Joke Central

[Madcombinepilot]

You know, every now and then I am killing some time for whatever reason, I pick a random page of this thread, read it, and sometimes I absolutley laugh my ass off. there are a couple gems in here....

[mattola]

25 SIGNS YOU HAVE GROWN UP

1. Your houseplants are alive, and you can't smoke any of them.
2. Having sex in a twin bed is out of the question.
3. You keep more food than beer in the fridge.
4. 6:00 a.m. is when you get up, not when you go to bed.
5. You hear your favorite song in an elevator.
6. You watch the Weather Channel.
7. Your friends marry and divorce instead of "hook up" and "break up."
8. You go from 130 days of vacation time to 14.
9. Jeans and a sweater no longer qualify as "dressed up."
10. You're the one calling the police because those %&@#ing kids next door won't turn down the stereo.
11. Older relatives feel comfortable telling sex jokes around you.
12. You don't know what time Taco Bell closes anymore.
13. Your car insurance goes down and your car payments go up.
14. You feed your dog Science Diet instead of McDonald's leftovers.
15. Sleeping on the couch makes your back hurt.
16. You take naps.
17. Dinner and a movie is the whole date instead of the beginning of one.
18. Eating a basket of chicken wings at 3 AM would severely upset, rather than settle, your stomach.
19. You go to the drug store for ibuprofen and antacid, not condoms and pregnancy tests.
20. A $4.00 bottle of wine is no longer "pretty good shit."
21. You actually eat breakfast food at breakfast time.
22. "I just can't drink the way I used to" replaces "I'm never going to drink t hat much again."
23. 90% of the time you spend in front of a computer is for real work.
24. You drink at home to save money before going to a bar.
25. When you find out your friend is pregnant you congratulate them instead of asking "Oh shit what the hell happened?"

Bonus:
26: You read this entire list looking desperately for one sign that doesn't apply to you and can't find one to save your sorry old ass. Then you forward it to a bunch of old friends 'cause you know they'll enjoy it & do the same

[Madcombinepilot]

Little Nancy was in the garden filling in a hole when her neighbour peered over the fence. Interested in what the cheeky-faced youngster was up to, he politely asked, "What are you doing there, Nancy?"

"My goldfish died," replied Nancy tearfully without looking up, "and I've just buried him."

The neighbour was very concerned. "That's an awfully big hole for a goldfish, isn't it?"

Nancy patted down the last heap of dirt then replied, "That's because he's inside your fucking cat."

[Madcombinepilot]

Not sure if this one is in here yet.... but its a good one


Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when
his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice
said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on
you!"

"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How
big is your army?"

"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the
entire darts team from the pub That makes eight!"

Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in
my army waiting to move on my command."

"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."

Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war
is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"

"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we
have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."

Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000
tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased
my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."

"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."

Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have
modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns
in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us
as well!"

Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to
200,000!"

"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you
back."

Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top O the mornin', Mr.
Chirac!
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."

"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"

"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000
prisoners."

[The_Pauser]

Q: What do you call a black man being chased by a whole bunch of white men?
A: The PGA tour

[tuzzi44]

I may be blonde, but a solid blonde joke doesnt hurt...

Two blondes sitting on a park bench at night star gazing. the one blonde turns to the other and asks "what is closer... the moon or florida??" and the blonde thinks about it and then replies "well you cant see Florida!"

[Madcombinepilot]

Manlaws - Version 2006
1: Under no circumstances may two men share an umbrella.
2: It is OK for a man to cry ONLY under the following circumstances:
(a) When a heroic dog dies to save its master.
(b) The moment Angelina Jolie starts unbuttoning her blouse.
(c) After wrecking your boss's car.
(d) One hour, 12 minutes, 37 seconds into "The Crying Game".
(e) When she is using her teeth.
3: Any Man who brings a camera to a bachelor party may be legally killed and
eaten by his buddies.
4: Unless he murdered someone in your family, you must bail a friend out of
jail within 12 hours.
5: If you've known a guy for more than 24 hours, his sister is off limits
forever unless you actually marry her.
6: Moaning about the brand of free beer in a buddy's fridge is orbidden.
However complain at will if the temperature is unsuitable.
7: No man shall ever be required to buy a birthday present for another man.In fact, even remembering your buddy's birthday is strictly optional. At that point, you must celebrate at a strip bar of the birthday boy's choice.
8: On a road trip, the strongest bladder determines pit stops, not the weakest.
9: When stumbling upon other guys watching a sporting event, you may ask the
score of the game in progress, but you may never ask who's playing.
10: You may flatulate in front of a woman only after you have brought her to
climax. If you trap her head under the covers for the purpose of flatulent
entertainment, she's officially your girlfriend.
11: It is permissible to drink a fruity alcohol drink only when you're sunning on a tropical beach... and it's delivered by a topless model and only when it's free.
12: Only in situations of moral and/or physical peril are you allowed to kick another guy in the nuts.
13: Unless you're in prison, never fight naked.
14: Friends don't let friends wear Speedos. Ever. Issue closed.
15: If a man's fly is down, that's his problem, you didn't see anything.
16: Women who claim they "love to watch sports" must be treated as spies
until they demonstrate knowledge of the game and the ability to drink as much as the other sports watchers.
17: A man in the company of a hot, suggestively dressed woman must remain
sober enough to fight.
18: Never hesitate to reach for the last beer or the last slice of pizza, but not both, that's just greedy.
19: If you compliment a guy on his six-pack, you'd better be talking about his choice of beer.
20: Never join your girlfriend or wife in discussing a friend of yours, except if she's withholding sex pending your response.
21: Phrases that may NOT be uttered to another man while lifting weights:
a) Yeah, Baby, Push it!
b) C'mon, give me one more! Harder!
c) Another set and we can hit the showers!
22: Never talk to a man in a bathroom unless you are on equal footing: i.e.,
both urinating, both waiting in line, etc. For all other situations, an almost imperceptible nod is all the conversation you need.
23: Never allow a telephone conversation with a woman to go on longer than
you are able to have sex with her. Keep a stopwatch by the phone. Hang up if
necessary.
24: The morning after you and a girl who was formerly "just a friend" have
carnal, drunken monkey sex, the fact that you're feeling weird and guilty is no reason for you not to nail each other again before the discussion occurs about what a big mistake it was.
25: It is acceptable for you to drive her car. It is not acceptable for her to drive yours.
26: Thou shalt not buy a car in the colors of brown, pink, lime green, orange or sky blue.
27: The girl who replies to the question "What do you want for Christmas?"
with "If you loved me, you'd know what I want!" gets an Xbox. End of story.
28: There is no reason for guys to watch Ice Skating or Men's Gymnastics.
Ever.
We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know
the difference between them? In an effort to keep you informed, the
definition of each is listed below:

GUTS" is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being assaulted by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to say, "are you still cleaning or are you flying somewhere?"

"BALLS" is coming home late after a night out with the guys smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the ass and having the balls to say, "You're next!"

We hope this clears up any confusion.

[Canuck-One]

The Newfie saw the sign at the restaurant.

It read " Happy hour special: Lobster Tail & Beer."

"Laird 'Tunderin' Jaises ! ..." he says to himself, "Me tree favourite 'tings".

[UK Canuck]

whats the diffrence between muff and apple pie?


you can eat your mums apple pie.

[juhuu]

i likr them all!!!!!!!!!!

[Madcombinepilot]

Little Carol came into the kitchen where her mother was making dinner.
Her birthday was coming up and she thought this was a good time to tell her
mother what she wanted. "Mom, I want a bike for my birthday." Now, Little
Carol was a bit of a troublemaker. She had gotten into trouble at school and
at home. Carol's mother asked her if she thought she deserved to get a bike
for her birthday. Little Carol, of course, thought she did.

Carol's mother, being a Christian woman, wanted her to reflect on her behaviour over the last year, and write a letter to God and tell him why she deserved a bike for her birthday. Little Carol stomped up the steps to her room and sat down to write God a letter.

LETTER 1:
Dear God:
I have been a very good girl this year and I would like a bike for my birthday. I want a red one.

Your friend,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true. She had not been a very good girl this year, so she tore up the letter and started over.

LETTER 2:
Dear God:
This is your friend Carol. I have been a pretty good girl this year, and I would like a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew this wasn't true either. She tore up the letter and started again.

LETTER 3:
Dear God:
I know I haven't been a good girl this year. I am very sorry. I will be a good girl if you just send me a red bike for my birthday.
Thank you,
Carol

Carol knew, even if it was true, this letter was not going to get her a bike. By now, she was very upset. She went downstairs and told her mother she wanted to go to church. Carol's mother thought her plan had worked because Carol looked very sad.
"Just be home in time for dinner," her mother said.
Carol walked down the street to the church and up to the altar. She looked around to see if a nyone was there. She picked up a statue of the Virgin Mary, slipped it under her jacket and ran out of the church, down the street, into her house, and up to her room. She shut the door and sat down and wrote her letter to God.

LETTER 4:
Dear God:
I GOT YOUR MAMA.
IF YOU WANT TO SEE HER AGAIN, SEND THE BIKE.
Signed,
YOU KNOW WHO

[dangler]

A lady is browsing in a jewelry store, as she bends over to admire a diamond necklace she accidentally lets a fart slip out. Noticing a sales clerk standing behind her,she quickly asks him the price of the necklace hoping to defer attention away from her flatulence. The clerk calmly replied " if you farted just looking at it your gonna shit when I tell you the price"

[MinnesotaCanuck]

A man walks into a pub in Florida and sits down at the bar. Behind the bar, he sees a big glass jar filled with $20 bills. He asks the bartender, "What's the story with the jar back there?"

The bartender replies, "Well, at our bar here, we have a little challenge. It's been going on for a while. Anybody who's interested puts up twenty bucks. If they complete the challenge, they win all the money in the jar."

This catches the interest of the man. "So, what exactly is the challenge?" he asks.

"Well, the challenge has three parts. See that ornery looking guy down at the end of the bar? That's Old Jim. He used to be a bareknuckle boxer and - as far as I know - he's never lost. If you can knock him down with a punch, you're done with part one."

The man looks down at Old Jim. "He's a monster! He's gotta be six and a half feet tall. I don't know if I can do that. What's the second part?"

"Well, we've got a pet alligator in the back. He's kind of our mascot. But, he's mean as hell because he's got a sore tooth. The next challenge is to wrestle that bad tooth out of the gator's mouth."

By now, Jim is thinking about giving up. "Even if I managed to knock down Old Jim, I don't see how I'm going to wrestle a tooth out of the mouth of a damn alligator! I could lose a hand! But, just out of curiosity, what's the third part of the challenge?"

The bartender leans in close to him. "This place is owned by the ugliest woman you've ever seen. She lives upstairs. If you knock down Old Jim and show me that gator's tooth, all you've got to do is go have sex with that old hag."

The man thanks the bartender for the information and orders a beer. And another. And a third. Pretty soon, he starts taking shots and his courage starts to grow. He turns to the man next to him at the bar and says, "I've been eyeing up Old Jim over there. I don't think he looks that tough. I'm going to give it a shot."

With that, he polishes off his last shot, screams, and throws a twenty down on the bar. Everyone turns to look just in time to see him throw a punch right into the side of Old Jim's mouth. Jim's head cocks back, and he falls right off his stool - out cold.

Everyone in the bar cheers, and the man screams again before running into the back of the bar. He sees the gator in the water and jumps right in. Everyone rushes to watch him. The alligator starts thrashing like crazy, and the man looks like he's hanging on for dear life.

After a few minutes, the thrashing stops and the man climbs out of the water and says, "Alright, now where's that old whore with the sore tooth?!"

[Soapy]

my mom, a midget, a priest & the president walk into a bar......the bartender says "what is this..some kind of joke'

Long live Dangerfield

[rats19]

Polish immigrant went to the DMV to apply for a driver's license.

First, of course, he had to take an eyesight test. The optician showed him a card with the letters:

'C Z W I X N O S T A C Z.'

"Can you read this?" the optician asked.

"Read it?" the Polish guy replied, "I know the guy."



For you MCP...

A female officer arrested a man for drunk driving.

The female officer tells the man, "Sir, you have the right to remain silent. Anything you say can and will be held against you."

"Great idea," the drunk replies. "Tits!"