Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby mattola » Tue Feb 01, 2005 10:53 am

oh my phak this is funny

Never question a drunk

A woman was shopping at her local supermarket where she selected:

1 half-gallon of 2% milk,
1 dozen eggs,
1 quart of orange juice,
1 head of romaine lettuce,
2 lbs. of coffee,
1 lb. package of bacon.

As she was unloading her items on the conveyor belt to check out, a
drunk standing behind her watched as she placed the items in front of the
cashier. While the cashier was ringing up her purchases, the drunk calmly
stated," You must be single."

The woman was a bit startled by this proclamation, but she was
intrigued by the derelict's intuition, since she was indeed single. She
looked at her six items on the belt and saw nothing particularly unusual
about her selections that could have tipped off the drunk to her marital
status.

Curiosity getting the better of her, she said "Well, you know what,
you're absolutely correct. But how on earth did you know that?"

The drunk replied, "Cause you're ugly."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Feb 01, 2005 11:12 am

A Canadian guy walks into a bar on a remote Greek island, and the barmaid takes his order, a Molson, and notices his accent. Over the course of the night they get talking and she tells him she's Canadian too.

At the end of the evening Joe asks Darlene if she wants to come back to his place and have sex with him. Although she is attracted to him she says no. He then offers to pay her $200 for sex.

Darlene is travelling the world and because she is short of funds she agrees.

The next night Joe turns up again, orders a Molson and after showing her plenty of attention throughout the night asks if she will sleep with him again for $200.

Darlene remembers the night before and is only too happy to agree.

This goes on for 5 nights. On the 6th night Joe comes in, orders his Molson and sits in the corner. Darlene thinks that if she pays him some more attention then maybe she can then shake some more cash out of him again, so she goes over and sits next to him.

She asks him where he's from and he tells her: "Calgary".

"So am I...Where in Calgary?"

"Montgomery" he replies.

"That's amazing..." she says, "So am I - what Street?"

"McCleod Street" he replies.

"This is unbelievable..." she says, "What number?"

He says "2460" and she is totally astonished.

"Whoa - You are not going to believe this but I'm from Number 2475! My parents still live there!"

"I know..." he says, "Your Father gave me $1,000 to give to you"

HE WHO DRINKS CANADIAN, THINKS LIKE A CANADIAN!........ SMART!!!!!
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Postby Mozy » Tue Feb 01, 2005 2:05 pm

damn straight :lol:
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Feb 02, 2005 8:10 am

What do Graham James and OJ Simpson have in common?


They both like to drive white Bronco's
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Postby mattola » Wed Feb 02, 2005 4:24 pm

take the source for the source that it is... the internet. but it does make me laugh

Subject: ACTUAL QUESTION ON CHEMISTRY EXAM,

The following is supposedly an actual question given on a, University
of Washington chemistry mid-term:,

The answer by one student was so "profound" that the professor shared
it, with colleagues, via the Internet, which is, of course, why we

now have the pleasure of enjoying it as well.

Bonus Question: Is Hell exothermic (gives off heat) or endothermic,
(absorbs heat)? Most of the students wrote proofs of their beliefs,
using Boyle's Law (gas cools when it expands and heats when it is
compressed) or some variant.,

One student, however, wrote the following:

First, we need to know how the mass of Hell is changing in time. So
we, need to know the rate at which souls are moving into Hell and the
rate, at which they are leaving. I think that we can safely assume
that
once a, soul gets to Hell, it will not leave.

Therefore, no souls are leaving. As for how many souls are entering,
Hell, let's look at the different Religions that exist in the world,
today. Most of these religions state that if you are not a member of,
their religion, you will go to Hell. Since there is more than one of,

these religions and since people do not belong to more than one,
religion, we can project that all souls go to Hell. With birth and,
death rates as they are, we can expect the number of souls in Hell
to,
increase exponentially. Now, we look at the rate of change of the
volume, in Hell because Boyle's Law states that in order for the
temperature and, pressure in Hell to stay the same, the volume of
Hell
has to expand, proportionately as souls are added.

This gives two possibilities:
1. If Hell is expanding at a slower rate than the rate at which souls,
enter Hell, then the temperature and pressure in Hell will increase,
until all Hell breaks loose.

2. If Hell is expanding at a rate faster than the increase of souls
in,
Hell, then the temperature and pressure will drop until Hell freezes
over.

So which is it?

If we accept the postulate given to me by Teresa during my Freshman
year, that, "it will be a cold day in Hell before I sleep with you,
and take into account the fact that I slept with her last night, then
number 2 must be true, and thus I am sure that Hell is exothermic and
has already frozen over. The corollary of this theory is that since
Hell has frozen over, it follows that it is not accepting any more
souls and is therefore, extinct...leaving only Heaven thereby proving
the existence of a divine being which explains why, last night, Teresa

kept shouting "Oh my God."
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Postby Mozy » Wed Feb 02, 2005 7:38 pm

Ive heard that one before, but it just never gets old :lol: :lol: :lol:
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Feb 04, 2005 11:14 am

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Austrailia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless Canadian Women


Just for you NG
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Postby Mozy » Fri Feb 04, 2005 5:40 pm

A woman goes into a tatoo parlor and she is a huge hockey fan. She tells the tattoo artist that she wants a tattoo of Wayne Gretzky on her inner thigh.

The guy figures it is a bit weird, but goes ahead and does the work. After about an hour he is finished and passes the woman a mirror. She looks down at the mirror and says with disgust...."That doesn't look a thing like Wayne Gretzky. Do it again on the other side, and this time get it right."

The guy is a little frustrated but gets back to work and does the job again, and in an hour and a half wipes his brow and hands the lady the mirror. "I am sure you will be pleased this time."

The lady looks down at the mirror and says "I can't believe it. What a terrible job. That again looks nothing like the Great One, you're pathetic."

The guy is flabbergasted. He grabs the woman by the arm and drags her out front of the store and stops the first man he sees. He points to the tattoos and says....

"NOW WHO'S THAT???!!!"

The man says..."I don't know who the two wingers are but the centre sure looks like Lanny McDonald."
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Fri Feb 04, 2005 5:43 pm

Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Feb 07, 2005 10:05 am

How To Shower Like A Woman

Take off clothing and place it in sectioned laundry hamper according to lights and darks. Walk to bathroom wearing long dressing gown. If you see husband along
the way, cover up any exposed areas. Look at your womanly physique in the mirror - make mental note to do more sit-ups / leg-lifts, etc. Get in the shower. Use
face cloth, arm cloth, leg cloth, long loofah, wide loofah and pumice stone. Wash your hair once with cucumber and sage shampoo with 43 added vitamins. Washyour hair again to make sure it's clean. Condition your hair with grapefruit mint enhanced conditioner. Wash your face with crushed apricot facial scrub for 10 minutes until red. Wash entire rest of body with ginger nut and jaffa cake body wash. Rinse conditioner off hair. Shave armpits and legs. Turn off shower. Squeegee off all wet surfaces in shower. Spray mold spots with Tilex. Get out of shower. Dry with towel the size of a small country. Wrap hair in super absorbent towel. Return to bedroom wearing long dressing gown and towel on head. If you see husband along the way, cover up any exposed areas.

How To Shower Like A Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Mozy » Mon Feb 07, 2005 1:20 pm

How To Shower Like A Man

Take off clothes while sitting on the edge of the bed and leave them in a pile. Walk naked to the bathroom. If you see wife along the way, shake wiener at her making the 'woo-woo' sound. Look at your manly physique in the mirror. Admire the size of your wiener and scratch your ass. Get in the shower. Wash your face. Wash your armpits. Blow your nose in your hands and let the water rinse them off. Fart and laugh at how loud it sounds in the shower. Spend majority of time washing privates and surrounding area. Wash your butt, leaving those coarse butt hairs stuck on the soap. Wash your hair. Make a Shampoo Mohawk. Pee. Rinse off and get out of shower. Partially dry off. Fail to notice water on floor because curtain was hanging out of tub the whole time. Admire wiener size in mirror again. Leave shower curtain open, wet mat on floor, light and fan on. Return to bedroom with towel around waist. If you pass wife, pull off towel, shake wiener at her and make the 'woo-woo' sound again. Throw wet towel on bed.


Maybe you MCP :lol:
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Feb 08, 2005 9:01 am

Maybe you MCP


Ferit, its titled "how to shower like a man", not "how to shower like a little boy"...

:whistle:
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Postby Mozy » Tue Feb 08, 2005 11:30 pm

Wow, you just love to throw out the harsh burns dont you...

meh, i guess thats what people who dont have a job do, stay on forums all the time and diss kids half their age :twisted:
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Feb 09, 2005 7:37 am

LETTER FROM A FARM KID, NOW AT SAN DIEGO MARINE CORPS RECRUIT DEPOT.

Dear Ma and Pa:

I am well. Hope you are. Tell Brother Walt and Brother Elmer the Marine Corps beats working for old man Minch by a mile. Tell them to join up quick before maybe all of the places are filled.
I was restless at first because you got to stay in bed till nearly 6 a.m., but am getting so I like to sleep late.
Tell Walt and Elmer all you do before breakfast is smooth your cot and shine some things. No hogs to slop, feed to pitch, mash to mix, wood to split, fire to lay. Men got to shave but it is not so bad, there's warm water.
Breakfast is strong on trimmings like fruit juice, cereal, eggs, bacon, etc., but kind of weak on chops, potatoes, ham, steak, fried eggplant, pie and other regular food, but tell Walt and Elmer you can always sit by the two city boys that live on coffee. Their food plus yours holds you till noon when you get fed again.
It's no wonder these city boys can't walk much. We go on "route marches", which the platoon sergeant says are long walks to harden us. If he thinks so, it's not my place to tell him different. A "route march" is about as far as to our mailbox at home. Then the city guys get sore feet and we all ride back in trucks. The country is nice but awful flat.
The sergeant is like a school teacher. He nags a lot. The Capt. is like the school board. Majors and colonels just ride around and frown. They don't bother you none.
This next will kill Walt and Elmer with laughing. I keep getting medals for shooting. I don't know why. The bulls-eye is near as big as a chipmunk head and don't move, and it ain't shooting at you like the Higgett boys at home. All you got to do is lie there all comfortable and hit it You don't even load your own cartridges. They come in boxes.
Then we have what they call hand-to hand combat training. You get to wrestle with them city boys. I have to be real careful though, they break real easy. It ain't like fighting with that ole bull at home. I'm about the best they got in this except for that Tug Jordan from over in SilverLake. I only beat him once. He joined up the same time as me, but I'm only 5'6" and 130 pounds, and he's 6'8" and weighs near 300 pounds dry.
Be sure to tell Walt and Elmer to hurry and join before other fellers get onto this setup and come stampeding in.

Your loving daughter,
Gail
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Feb 09, 2005 7:47 am

feritflame wrote:Wow, you just love to throw out the harsh burns dont you...



yup.

If your gonna play with the big boys..... :roll:
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