Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Mozy » Thu Dec 23, 2004 9:49 pm

T'was the night before christmas -- Old santa was pissed
he cussed out the elves and threw down his list
Miserable little brats, ungrateful little jerks
I have a good mind to scrap the works

Ive busted my arse for damn near a year
Instead of "Thanks Santa" -- what do I hear?
THe old lady complains cause I have to work late at night...
The elves want more money -- the reeindeer all fight

Rudolph got drunk and goosed all the maids
Donner is pregnant and Vixen has AIDS
And just when I thought that things would get better
Revenue Canada decides to send me a letter

They say I owe taxes -- it that aint dame funny
Who the hell sent Santa Claus any money?
And the kids these days -- they are all the pits
They want the impossible... those damn little twits

I spent a whole year making wagons and sleds
Assembling dolls.... their arms legs and heads
I made a ton of yoyo's -- No request for them
They want computers and robots ... they think I'm IBM

Flying through the air .. dodging the trees
Falling down chimneys adn skinning my knees
I'm quitting this job... there's just no enjoyment
I'll sit on my fat arse and draw unemployment

There's no Christmas this year... now you knwo the reason...
I found me a blonde, Im going SOUTH for the season!
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Jovorock » Mon Dec 27, 2004 12:01 pm

What's the difference between Courtney Love and Wayne Gretzky?



Gretzky showers after three periods! :lol: :lol:
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Dec 28, 2004 11:08 am

I approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me For a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Mozy » Tue Dec 28, 2004 3:20 pm

Daddy, how was I born?
DAD SAYS:

Ah, my son, I guess one day you will need to find out anyway! Well, you see your Mom and I first got together in a chat room on MSN. Then I set up a date via e-mail with your Mom and we met at a cyber-cafe. We sneaked into a secluded room, where your mother agreed to a download from my hard drive. As soon as I was ready to upload, we discovered that neither one of us had used a firewall, and since it was too late to hit the delete button, nine months later a blessed little Popup appeared and said:

You've Got Male!
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Jovorock » Wed Dec 29, 2004 9:48 am

Madcombinepilot wrote:I approached a very beautiful woman in the large supermarket and said, "I've lost my wife here in the supermarket. Can you talk to me For a couple of minutes?"

The woman looked puzzled. "Why talk to me?" she asked.

"Because every time I talk to a woman with tits like yours, my wife appears out of nowhere!!"

Good one MCP :lol: That's very true, you get some eye candy and your wife catches you!

feriflame, that's why I don't go onto MSN, I have one teenage male and that's enough!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jan 03, 2005 10:56 am

Instructions on how to clean your toilet


1. Put both lids of the toilet up and add 1/8 cup of pet shampoo to the water in the bowl.

2. Pick up the cat and soothe him while you carry him towards the bathroom.

3. In one smooth movement, put the cat in the toilet and close both lids. You may need to stand on the lid.

4. The cat will self agitate and make ample suds. Never mind the noises that come from the toilet, the cat is actually enjoying this.

5. Flush the toilet three or four times. This provides a "power-wash and rinse".

6. Have someone open the front door of your home. Be sure that there are no
people between the bathroom and the front door.

7. Stand behind the toilet as far as you can, and quickly lift both lids.

8. The cat will rocket out of the toilet, streak through the bathroom, and run outside where he will dry himself off.

9. Both the commode and the cat will be sparkling clean.

Sincerely,

The Dog
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Postby Mozy » Mon Jan 03, 2005 3:22 pm

Jovorock wrote:feriflame, that's why I don't go onto MSN, I have one teenage male and that's enough!


LMAO
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Jan 06, 2005 11:17 am

A monkey is sitting in a tree smoking a joint when a lizard walks past and looks up and says to the monkey "hey! what are you doing?"

The monkey says "smoking a joint, come up and have some."

So the lizard climbs up and sits next to the monkey and they have a few joints. After a while the lizard says his mouth is dry and is going to get a drink from the river.

The lizard is so stoned that he leans too far over and falls into the river.

A Crocodile sees this and swims over to the lizard and helps him to the side, then asks the lizard, "whats the matter with you?"

The lizard explains to the crocodile that he was sitting smoking a joint with the monkey in the tree, got too stoned and then fell into the river while taking a drink.

The crocodile says he has to check this out and walks into the jungle, finds the tree were the monkey is sitting, finishing a joint, and he looks up and says "hey!"

The Monkey looks down and says "Fuuuuuuuck.......how much water did you drink?!!"
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Jan 07, 2005 7:42 am

Dear Mom and Dad,

Our Scoutmaster told us to write to our parents in case you saw the flood on TV and are worried.

We are okay. Only one of our tents and 2 sleeping bags got washed away. Luckily, none of us got drowned because we were all up on the mountain looking for Adam when it happened.

Oh yes, please call Adam's mother and tell her he is okay. He can't write because of the cast.
I got to ride in one of the search and rescue jeeps. It was neat. We never would have found Adam in the dark if it hadn't been for the lightning.

Scoutmaster Keith got mad at Adam for going on a hike alone without telling anyone. Adam said he did tell him, but it was during the fire so he probably didn't hear him. Did you know that if you put gas on a fire, the gas will blow up? The wet wood didn't burn, but one of the tents did and also some of our clothes.

Mathew is going to look weird until his hair grows back.

We will be home on Saturday if Scoutmaster Keith gets the bus fixed. It wasn't his fault about the wreck. The brakes worked okay when we left. Scoutmaster Keith said that with a bus that old you have to expect something to break down; that's probably why he can't get insurance. We think it's a neat bus. He doesn't care if we get it dirty, and if it's hot, sometimes he lets us ride on the fenders. It gets pretty hot with 45 people in a bus. He let us take turns riding in the trailer until the highway patrol man stopped and talked to us.

Scoutmaster Keith is a neat guy. Don't worry, he is a good driver. In fact, he is teaching Jessie how to drive on the mountain roads where there isn't any traffic. All we ever see up there are logging trucks.

This morning all of the guys were diving off the rocks and swimming out in the lake. Scoutmaster Keith wouldn't let me because I can't swim, and Adam was afraid he would sink because of his cast, so he let us take the canoe across the lake. It was great. You can still see some of the trees under the water from the flood.

Scoutmaster Keith isn't crabby like some scoutmasters. He didn't even get mad about the life jackets. He has to spend a lot of time working on the bus so we are trying not to cause him any trouble.

Guess what? We have all passed our first aid merit badges. When Andrew dived into the lake and cut his arm, we got to see how a tourniquet works. Steven and I threw up, but Scoutmaster Keith said it probably was just food poisoning from the leftover chicken. He said they got sick that way with food they ate in prison.

I'm so glad he got out and became our scoutmaster. He said he sure figured out how to get things done better while he was doing his time. By the way, what is a pedal-file?

I have to go now. We are going to town to mail our letters and buy some more beer. Don't worry about anything. We are fine.

Love,

Chris
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Sun Jan 09, 2005 9:15 pm

A mother and her young son were flying WestJet from Halifax to Calgary. The son turned to his mother and asked, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The mother, who couldn't think of an answer that wouldn't lead to things she was not prepared to discuss with her young son, told him to ask the stewardess.

So the boy asked the stewardess, "If big dogs have baby dogs and big cats have baby cats, why don't big planes have baby planes?"

The stewardess responded, "Did your mother tell you to ask me?"

The boy admitted that this was the case.

"Well, then, tell your mother that there are no baby planes because WestJet always pulls out on time. Your mother can explain that to you."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jan 10, 2005 2:46 pm

A guy sees his friend walking down the street with a penguin waddling beside him. He says to his friend, "You know, you really ought to take him to the zoo."
His friend says that he will do this, but the very next day, he's back on the same street, the penguin still beside him. The guy goes up to his friend and says,
"Hey, I thought you were going to take him to the zoo!" His friend says,
"I did, and we had so much fun that today we're going to a ball game."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Jan 11, 2005 9:24 am

A penguin took his car in for repair. While they were checking it out he went across the street for an ice cream cone. When he got back the mechanic said "You blew a seal".

The penguin wiped his mouth off and said, "No, vanilla ice cream".
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jan 17, 2005 3:18 pm

Two men were sitting next to each other at a bar.

After a while, one guy looks at the other and says, "I can't help but think, from listening to you, that you're from Ireland."

The other guy responds proudly, "Yes, that I am!"

The first guy says, "So am I! And where about from Ireland might you be?"

The other guy answers, "I'm from Dublin, I am."

The first guy responds, "Sure and begora, and so am I! And what street did you live on in Dublin?"

The other guy says, "A lovely little area it was, I lived on McCleary Street in the old central part of town."

The first guy says, "Faith & it's a small world, so did I! And to what school would you have been going?"

The other guy answers, "Well now, I went to St. Mary's of course."

The first guy gets really excited, and says, "And so did I. Tell me, what year did you graduate?"

The other guy answers, "Well, now, I graduated in 1964."

The first guy exclaims, "The Good Lord must be smiling down upon us! I can hardly believe our good luck at winding up in the same bar tonight. Can you believe it, I graduated from St. Mary's in 1964 my own self."

About this time, another guy walks into the bar, sits down, and orders a beer.


The bartender walks over shaking his head & mutters, "It's going to be a long night tonight, the Murphy twins are drunk again."
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Postby Mozy » Fri Jan 21, 2005 3:44 pm

A Blackhawks fan was driving home from work and he passed by the local priest. He stops and offers him a lift. The priest thanks him kindly and together they proceed to the church to drop the priest off.

On the way they pass a man walking his dog on the other side of the road. On closer inspection the man was seen to be wearing a replica Red Wings sweater. Now, the Hawks fan that was driving just hated the Wings, and he suddenly felt an uncontrollable urge to run his car into him. He put his foot down on the accelerator and tried to hit him. At the last minute the Red Wings fan jumped out of the way, the driver of the car heard a bang, but he was sure he'd missed him.

The two men proceeded to the church in silence. The Hawks fan pulled up and said, "Look Father, I'm really sorry about that incident back there. I don't know what came over me. Can you forgive me, Father??"

The Priest replied, "Of course I can forgive you, my son. Don't worry - I GOT HIM WITH THE CAR DOOR."
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby mattola » Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:43 pm

Tim Allen on Martha Stewart:

"Boy, I feel safer now that Martha Stewart is behind bars. O.J. & Kobe are walking around; Osama Bin Laden is still out there, and they take the one woman in America willing to cook, clean and work in the yard and haul her off to jail."
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