Joke Central

[DavidPratt_]

Little Johnny came home from school to see the families pet rooster dead in the front yard. Rigormortis had set in and it was flat on its back with its legs in the air. When his Dad came home Johnny said, "Dad our roosters dead and his legs are sticking in the air. Why is his legs sticking in the air?"

His father thinking quickly said, "Son, that's so God can reach down from the clouds and lift the rooster straight up to heaven."

"Gee Dad that's great," said little Johnny. A few days later, when Dad came home from work, Johnny rushed out to meet him yelling, "Dad, Dad we almost lost Mom today!"

"What do you mean?" said Dad.

"Well Dad, I got home from school early today and went up to your bedroom and there was Mom flat on her back with her legs in the air screaming, "Jesus I'm coming, I'm coming" If it hadn't of been for Uncle George holding her down we'd have lost her for sure!"

[DavidPratt_]

One day in class the teacher brought a bag full of fruit. "Now class, I'm going to reach into the bag and describe a piece of fruit, and you tell what fruit I'm talking about. Okay, first: it's round, plumb and red." Of course, Johnny raised his hand high, but the teacher, wisely ignored him and picked Deborah, who promptly answered "An apple." The teacher replied, "No Deborah, it's a beet, but I like your thinking." Now for the second. It's soft, fuzzy,and colored red and brownish." Well, Johnny is hopping up and down in his seat trying to get the teacher to call on him. But she skips him again and calls on Billy. "Is it a peach?" Billy asks. "No, Billy, I'm afraid it's a potato. But I like your thinking," the teacher replys. Here's another: it's long, yellow, and fairly hard." By now Johnny is about to explode as he waves his hand frantically. The teacher skips him again and calls on Sally. "A banana," she says. "No," the teacher replies, "it's a squash, but I like your thinking." Johnny is kind of irritated now, so he speaks up loudly. "Hey, I've got one for you teacher; let me put my hand in my pocket. Okay, I've got it: it's round, hard, and it got a head on it." "Johnny!" she cries. "That's disgusting!" "Nope," answers Johnny, "it's a quarter, but I like your thinking!"

[Dixie]

Hey guys. This is my first post here....please be nice!!

Not sure if this is really a joke per se....but I did find it to be quite humorous!!

Denver may have bought its hockey team, but becoming a true Divealanche fan is not as easy as just buying a jersey. The following test can tell you if you really have what it takes.

Grab a pen and piece of paper and number it from 1 to 25. If you have to take off your shoes to count that high, give yourself an extra point. Answer each of the questions below to the best of your abilities. You'll get a point for every one you get right. The next post will contain the answers and scoring. Good luck!

1. What year was the National Hockey League started?
a) 1902
b) 1910
c) 1917
d) 1995

2. Which of the following is an example of interference?
a) impeding the progress of an opponent
b) restraining an opponent who is attempting to forecheck
c) checking a defensive player who is not in possession of the puck
d) brushing or touching Peter Forsberg in a manner that upsets him

3. Of the following NHL players, who will be remembered as the greatest?
a) Wayne Gretzky
b) Gordie Howe
c) Bobby Orr
d) Martin Skoula

4. What is the most important step toward winning the Stanley Cup?
a) hiring an experienced head coach
b) acquiring skillful players at each position
c) determining the proper strategy
d) determining the proper Canadian team to buy

5. The opposing team has been called for icing the puck. What should you do?
a) Jump up and down, cheering and flapping your arms
b) Hug the fans in the seats around you
c) Take a picture so you can all cherish the moment later
d) All of the above

6. After hockey, what is your favorite sport?
a) Nascar
b) WWF
c) Rodeo
d) Meth lab

7. Why is Scott Parker nicknamed "The Sheriff"?
a) Because he lays down the law when he's on the ice
b) Because he keeps the other team's bad guys in line
c) Because he commands respect whenever he appears in a game
d) Because he skates as though he's wearing cowboy boots

8. On average, which of the following will fly the farthest distance through the air?
a) a migrating goose
b) an owl in search of a mate
c) an eagle in search of prey
d) Peter Forsberg in search of a whistle

9. What originally drew you to the Divealanche?
a) Fast-paced hockey action
b) Skillful play of Joe Sakic and others
c) Fun, family atmosphere at hockey games
d) The Broncos weren't winning

10. How long have you been an avid Divealanche supporter?
a) Since their first game in Colorado
b) Since the middle of their first season
c) Since the start of the 95-96 Stanley Cup playoffs
d) Since the start of the 95-96 Stanley Cup parade

11. What is a goon?
a) a player of dubious talent whose purpose is to disrupt the opposition
b) a player who taunts the opposition
c) a player whose only talent is fighting
d) every player from every other team except the Dives

12. Male Divesfans Only: which of the following describes your hair?
a) shaved/bald
b) very short, businesslike
c) medium length, wavy
d) M-U-L-L-E-T

13. Female Divesfans Only: which of the following describes your hair?
a) short
b) long and straight
c) curly
d) "It rubs the lotion on its skin..."

14. What is a sure sign that a penalty has been called against the opposing team?
a) the referee has blown his whistle and is pointing at a visiting player
b) a player is skating toward the visitor's penalty box
c) the visiting team's captain is arguing with the officials
d) Peter Forsberg is no longer lying unconscious on the ice, but is now miraculously cured and ready to start the power play

15. Where did the Avalanche play hockey prior to coming to Denver?
a.) Quebec
b.) Long Beach
c.) Calgary
d.) There was hockey before the Avalanche came to Denver?

16. The crowd is chanting "Red Wings Suck" over and over. What team is visiting Denver?
a) Dallas Stars
b) Kansas City Chiefs
c) Seattle Mariners
d) Any of the above

17. What is a hat trick?
a.) Player scores three goals in one game
b.) Goalie stops the puck with his head
c.) An elaborately executed scoring play
d.) Wearing an Avalanche cap to Coors Field because the Rockies suck

18. What is the "Miracle on Ice?"
a.) The U.S. Olympic team's improbable win over the Soviet Union in 1980
b.) The Kings rallying from a 5-goal deficit in a playoff game in 1982
c.) Wayne Gretzky scoring ten goals in a game
d.) A Dives fan knowing the difference between a legal and illegal hand pass

19. Why doesn't Scott Parker get more ice time?
a) He's not a very skilled skater
b) He doesn't skate as well as he should
c) He has a degree of difficulty skating
d) Parker is so big and mighty that the NHL limits his playing time to prevent the Divealanche from frightening other teams into submission, winning all of their games, and establishing a monopoly of sheer dominance over the entire National Hockey League forever and ever!!!

20. Which of the following constitutes an obvious major penalty plus game misconduct?
a) leaving the bench during an altercation
b) butt ending an opponent
c) boarding an opponent in a manner that causes him to be injured
d) touching Peter Forsberg in a manner that causes him to lose the puck

21. How many active players in the NHL grew up playing hockey in Colorado?
a) 0
b) 2 or 3?
c) about the same number as grew up playing hockey in Alabama
d) uh... er... Red Wings Suck!

22. Who won the 1931 Stanley Cup?
a) Boston
b) Detroit
c) Toronto
d) I think it would have been the Divealanche if they had been around then.

23. What's the best way for a Divealanche player to ensure that he'll be healthy enough to show up during the playoffs?
a) maintain a strict regimen of weight training
b) eat a healthy diet and get plenty of sleep between games
c) jog and ride the stationary bike to improve cardiovascular health
d) spend the regular season watching television in Sweden

24. What is "clutching and grabbing"?
a) excessive physical play bordering on interference
b) physically taking hold of a superior offensive player
c) a strategy that crappy teams use
d) something Mike Haynes does to his unit whenever the Dives score

25. What's the most exciting time of the year?
a) the first NHL game
b) the NHL All Star game
c) the Stanley Cup playoffs
d) Broncos season

[Dixie]

Answers and Scoring

Answers:

1) D, 2) D, 3) D, 4) D, 5) D... uh, they're all D.

How You Rate:

0 - 5 correct:
You have a wealth of common sense and know quite a bit about the NHL. What you're doing visiting a Colorado Avalanche web site is anyone's guess. Go find another team to follow, Mr. Hockey. You probably already hate the Dives, anyway.

5 - 10 correct:
For the most part, you're fairly knowledgeable about hockey, though somewhat dopey. You enjoy going to Dives games, but you are generally too embarrassed by the behavior of the people you see there to climb on the Divemobile. You are too thoughtful and objective to fit in at the Pepsi Center. Assuming you don't contract a degenerative brain disease, you will never be a true Divealanche fan.

10 - 15 correct:
You have a Divealanche cap, maybe even a jersey (Forsberg, Roy or Sakic). You cheer for icing calls and yell "interference!" whenever a Dive loses the puck. The first time you saw a game in person you were surprised to see that the puck didn't actually glow red like it did on television. You join in the chants of "Red Wings Suck", but you won't do it unless the Red Wings are actually in the arena. Too bad. You'll find your seat exactly in the middle of the Dives bandwagon.

15 - 20 correct:
You are the proud owner of a finely tended and luxurious mullet. You have a Scott Parker jersey and drive a maroon Toyota pickup with a cruddy, hand-painted Avalanche logo on the tailgate. You are at least 90 pounds overweight or 90 pounds underweight. You drink Keystone tallboys. Your girlfriend gets in fights a lot. She drinks Keystone Light tallboys. Your love of the Dives is exceeded only by your hatred of the Red Wings, and you've been seen chanting "Red Wings Suck" at high school basketball games. You do handsprings and jumping jacks whenever icing is called. You are completely and absolutely clueless about nearly every aspect of NHL hockey.

20 - 25 Correct:
There is a job waiting for you at Denver's AM 950 "The Fan".

[Dixie]

Hangover Rating System

One Star Hangover (*)

No pain. No real feeling of illness. You're able to function relatively well. However, you are still parched. You can drink 5 sodas and still feel this way. For some reason, you are craving a steak & fries.

Two Star Hangover (**)

No pain, but something is definitely amiss. You may look okay, but you have the mental capacity of a staple gun. The coffee you are chugging is only increasing your rumbling gut, which is still tossing around the fruity pancake from the 3:00 AM Waffle House excursion. There is some definite havoc being wreaked upon your bowels.

Three Star Hangover (***)

Slight headache. Stomach feels crappy. You are definitely not productive. Anytime a girl walks by you gag because her perfume reminds you of the flavored schnapps shots your alcoholic friends dared you to drink. Life would be better right now if you were home in your bed watching Lucy reruns. You've had 4 cups of coffee, a gallon of water, 3 iced teas and a diet Coke --- yet you haven't peed once.

Four Star Hangover (****)

Life sucks. Your head is throbbing. You can't speak too quickly or else you might puke. Your boss has already lambasted you for being late and has given you a lecture for reeking of booze. You wore nice clothes, but that can't hide the fact that you only shaved one side of your face. (For the ladies, it looks like you put your make-up on while riding the bumper cars.) Your eyes look like one big red vein, and even your hair hurts. Your sphincter is in perpetual spasm, and the first of about five s*its you take during the day brings water to the eyes of everyone who enters the bathroom.

Five Star Hangover (*****)

You have a second heartbeat in your head, which is actually annoying the employee who sits in the next cube. Vodka vapor is seeping out of every pore and making you dizzy. You still have toothpaste crust in the corners of your mouth from brushing your teeth in an attempt to get the remnants of the poop fairy out. Your body has lost the ability to generate saliva so your tongue is suffocating you. You don't have the foggiest idea who the hell the stranger was passed out in your bed this morning. Any attempt to defecate results in a fire hose like discharge of alcohol-scented fluid with a rare "floater" thrown in. The sole purpose of this "floater" seems to be to splash the toilet water all over your ass.

Death sounds pretty good about right now...


THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Indubitably
Innovative
Preliminary
Proliferation
Cinnamon

THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Specificity
British Constitution
Passive-aggressive disorder
Loquacious Transubstantiate


THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN YOU'RE DRUNK:

Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
Nope, no more booze for me.
Sorry, but you're not really my type.
Good evening officer, isn't it lovely out tonight.
Oh, I just couldn't.
No one wants to hear me sing.

[Madcombinepilot]

An old Indian chief sat in his hut on the reservation, smoking a ceremonial pipe and eyeing two U.S.government officials sent to interview him.

" Chief Two Eagles " asked one official, " You have observed the white man for 90 years. You've seen his wars and his technological advances. You've also seen his progress, and the damage he's done."

The Chief nodded in agreement.

The official continued, "Considering all these events, in your opinion, where did the white man go wrong ? "

The Chief stared at the government officials for over a minute and then calmly replied ..

"When white man found the land, Indians were running it.
No taxes,
No debt,
Plenty buffalo,
Plenty beaver,
Women did all the work,
Medicine man free,
Indian man spent all day hunting and fishing,
All night having sex."

Then the chief leaned back and smiled .
" Only white man dumb enough to think he could improve on a system like that. "

[Madcombinepilot]

The Perfect Couple

Once: upon a time, a perfect man and a perfect woman met. After a perfect courtship, they had a perfect wedding. Their life together was, of course, perfect.
One snowy, stormy Christmas Eve, this perfect couple was driving their perfect car along a winding road, when they noticed someone at the side of the road in distress. Being the perfect couple, they stopped to help.
There stood Santa Claus with a huge bundle of toys. Not wanting to disappoint any children on the eve of Christmas, the perfect couple loaded Santa and his toys into their vehicle. Soon they were driving along delivering the toys.
Unfortunately, the driving conditions deteriorated and the perfect couple; and Santa Claus had an accident. Only one of them survived the accident.

Question: Who was the survivor?



































Answer: The perfect woman survived. She's the only one who really existed in the first place. Everyone knows there is no Santa Claus and there is no such thing as a perfect man.

**** Nucksgirl, stop reading here, this is the end of the joke.
**** Men keep scrolling.
































So, if there is no perfect man and no Santa Claus, the woman must have been driving. This explains why there was a car accident.

Men Keep scrolling





































By the way, if you're a woman and you're still reading, this illustrates another point: Women never listen.

[nucks_girl]

i do too listen!

[Madcombinepilot]

[Madcombinepilot]

I was riding to work yesterday when I observed a female driver cut right in front of a pickup truck, causing him to have to drive on to the shoulder to avoid hitting her.

This evidently angered the driver enough that he hung his arm out his window and "flipped" the woman off. Man, that guy is stupid," I thought to myself.

I ALWAYS smile nicely and wave in a sheepish manner whenever a female does anything to me in traffic, and I drive 48 miles each way every day to work.

That's 96 miles each day. Of these, 16 miles each way is bumper-to-bumper.

Most of the bumper-to-bumper is on an 8-lane highway. There are 7 cars every 40 feet for 32 miles. That works out to be 982 cars every mile, or 31,424 cars.

Even though the rest of the 32 miles is not bumper-to-bumper, I figure I pass at least another 4000 cars.

That brings the number to something like 36,000 cars that I pass every day. Statistically, females drive half of these. That's 18,000 women drivers.

In any given group of females, 1 in 28 has PMS. That's 642.

According to Cosmopolitan, 70% describe their love life as dissatisfying or unrewarding. That's 449.

According to the National Institute of Health, 22% of all females have seriously considered suicide or homicide. That's 98.

And 34% describe men as their biggest problem. That's 33.

According to the National Rifle Association, 5% of all females carry weapons, and this number is increasing.

That means that EVERY SINGLE DAY, I drive past at least one female that has a lousy love life, thinks men are her biggest problem, has seriously considered suicide or homicide, has PMS, and is armed.

Flip one off? ....... I think not!

[Mozy]

Believe it or not..!!!

Recently reported in the Massachusetts Bar Association Lawyers Journal, the following are 22 questions ACTUALLY asked of witnesses by attorneys during trials and, in certain cases, the responses given by insightful witnesses:

1. "Now doctor isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?"

2. "The youngest son, the twenty-year old, how old is he?"

3. "Were you present when your picture was taken?"

4. "Were you alone or by yourself?"

5. "Was it you or your younger brother who was killed in the war?"

6. "Did he kill you?"

7. "How far apart were the vehicles at the time of the collision?"

8. "You were there until the time you left, is that true?"

9. "How many times have you committed suicide?"

10. Q: "So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And what were you doing at that time?"

11. Q: "She had three children, right?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "How many were boys?"
A: "None."
Q: "Were there any girls?"

12. Q: "You say the stairs went down to the basement?"
A: "Yes."
Q: "And these stairs, did they go up also?"

13. Q: "Mr. Slatery, you went on a rather elaborate honeymoon, didn't you?"
A: "I went to Europe, Sir."
Q: "And you took your new wife?"

14. Q: "How was your first marriage terminated?"
A: "By death."
Q: "And by who's death was it terminated?"

15. Q: "Can you describe the individual?"
A: "He was about medium height and had a beard."
Q: "Was this a male, or a female?"

16. Q: "Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?"
A: "No, this is how I dress when I go to work."

17. Q: "Doctor, how many autopsies have you performed on dead people?"
A: "All my autopsies are performed on dead people."

18. Q: "All your responses must be oral, OK? What school did you go to?"
A: "Oral."

19. Q: "Do you recall the time that you examined the body?"
A: "The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.."
Q: "And Mr. Dennington was dead at the time?"
A: "No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was an autopsy."

20. Q: "You were not shot in the fracas?"
A: "No, I was shot midway between the fracas and the navel."

21. Q: "Are you qualified to give a urine sample?"
A: "I have been since early childhood."

22. Q: "Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for blood pressure?"
A: "No."
Q: "Did you check for breathing?"
A: "No."
Q: "So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?"
A: "No."
Q: "How can you be so sure, Doctor?"
A: "Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar."
Q: "But could the patient have still been alive nevertheless?"
A: "It is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law somewhere."

[Madcombinepilot]

A woman was walking down the street when she was approached by a man.

The man said, " I must have you right now! I'll drop 500 dollars on the ground at your feet and in the time it takes for you to pick it up I can have my way with you from behind!"

The woman thought it over and told the man to wait a minute. She called her girlfriend on her cell phone and told her about the man's proposition. Her girlfriend
said " When he drops the $500 on the ground I'm sure you can pick it up and run before he gets his pants down. Call me back and tell me what happened."

An hour and a half later the lady called her girlfriend back. "What happened?" the girlfriend asked.

The lady said " That M.F. had $500 in quarters!"

[Mozy]

A city cop was on his horse waiting to cross the street when a little girlon her new shiny bike stopped beside him.

"Nice bike" said the cop " Did Santa bring it to you?" "Yep" the little girl said, " he sure did!"

THe cop looked the bike over and handed the girl a $5 ticket for a safety violation. THe cop then said "Next year tell Santa to put a reflector light on the back of it"

The young girl looked up and said " Nice horse you got sir, did Santa bring it to you?" "yes he sure did" chuckled the cop.

The little girl looked up at the cop and said " Next year tell Santa teh dick goes underneath the horse, not on top."

[Mozy]

A Scottish Sana, on duty at the local department store, was dressed in a kilt -- in Regimental fashion (nothing on under it). A young boy on approaching the venerable old gent, noticed this and when asked what he wanted for Chritmas he was hesitant to say. His mother prompted him not to be shy. " Tell Santa what you want for Christmas dear"

The lad squirmed and finally blurted out "Well Santa if you can grant my wish I'd be so happy"

"What is it you would like" Santa asked

To that the boy replied " I'd like a wee set of bagpipes just like the one I saw under your kilt!"

[Madcombinepilot]

Police today warned all men who frequent clubs and parties to stay cautious when offered drinks by women. Females are using a date rape drug called “Beerâ€￾ to target unsuspecting men. This drug comes in liquid form and is available everywhere. “Beerâ€￾ is used by female predators to persuade helpless male victims to go home with them. Women only need to persuade a man to consume a few of these “Beersâ€￾ and then ask him home for no-strings-attached sex, a simple approach that renders most men helpless. After several “Beers,â€￾ men will sex with even unattractive women.

Often men awaken with only hazy memories of the night before, a horrible headache, and a vague feeling that something bad happened. Some really unfortunate men are even separated from their life’s savings in a scam called “a relationshipâ€￾. In extreme cases, female have entrapped unsuspecting males into long-term servitude through a punishment called “Marriageâ€￾. Apparently, men are much more susceptible to this scam once “Beerâ€￾ is administered.

Forward this warning to every male you know. And if you, or some man you know, have fallen victim to this insidious “Beerâ€￾ and the predatory women who administer it, rest assured: male support groups exist in every major city where you can discuss the ugly details of your encounter in an open and frank manner with similarly affected, like minded guys. For the support group near you, look in the Yellow Pages under: “Golf Courses.â€￾