Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Joke Central

Postby Jovorock » Sun Aug 15, 2004 7:19 am

An Englishman, an Irishman and a Scotsman are all playing golf with their wives. The Englishman's wife steps up to the tee; and, as she bends over to place her ball, a gust of wind blows her skirt up and reveals her lack of underwear. "Good God woman! Why aren't you wearing any knickers?" her husband demanded. "Well, you don't give me enough housekeeping money to afford to buy any." The Englishman immediately reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $50, go and buy yourself some underwear."

Next the Irishman's wife bends over to set her ball on the tee. Her skirt blows up to show that she is wearing no undies. "Blessed Virgin Mary, woman! You've no knickers - why not?" She replies, "I can't afford any on the money you give me." He reaches into his pocket and says, "For the sake of decency here's $20, go and buy yourself some underwear!"

Lastly, the Scotsman's wife bends over. The wind also takes her skirt over her head to reveal that she, too, is naked under it. "Hoots Mon, woman! Why are ye not wearing knickers?" She too explains, "You dinna give me enough housekeepin' money ta be able ta afforrrdany." The Scot reaches into his pocket and says, "Well, fer the sake of decency, here's a comb, tidy yurrrself up a bit."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Aug 16, 2004 8:41 am

:)

nice one.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Aug 17, 2004 9:55 am

These are ACTUAL supervisor quotes taken from employee performance evaluations.

1. "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."

2. "I would not allow this employee to breed."

3. "This employee is really not much of a has-been, but more of a definite won't be."

4. "Works well when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

5. "When she opens her mouth, it seems it is only to change feet."

6. "He would be out of his depth in a parking lot puddle."

7. "This young lady has delusions of adequacy."

8. "He sets low personal standards and then consistently fails to achieve them."

9. "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot.

10. "This employee should go far, and the sooner he starts, the better."

11. "Got a full 6-pack, but lacks the plastic thing to hold it all together."

12. "A gross ignoramus --- 144 times worse than an ordinary ignoramus."

13. "He doesn't have ulcers, but he's a carrier."

14. "I would like to go hunting with him sometime."

15. "He's been working with glue too much."

16. "He would argue with a signpost."

17. "He brings a lot of joy whenever he leaves the room."

18. "When his IQ reaches 50, he should sell."

19. "If you see two people talking and one looks bored, he's the other one."

20. "A photographic memory but with the lens cover glued on."

21. "A prime candidate for natural DE-selection."

22. "Donated his brain to science before he was done using it."

23. "Gates are down, the lights are flashing, but the train isn't coming."

24. "He's got two brains, one is lost and the other is out looking for it"

25. "If he were any more stupid, he'd have to be watered twice a week."

26. "If you gave him a penny for his thoughts, you'd get change."

27. "If you stand close enough to him, you can hear the ocean."

28. "It's hard to believe he beat out 1,000,000 other sperm."

29. "One neuron short of a synapse."

30. "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."

31. "Takes him 2 hours to watch 60 minutes.

32. "The wheel is turning, but the hamster is dead
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Aug 18, 2004 11:33 am

Memo to all employees:

In order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity
from employees, it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained
through our program of SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T)

We are trying to give our employees more S.H.I.T than anyone else. If
you feel that you do not receive your share of S.H.I.T on the course,
please see your supervisor. You will be immediately placed at the top of the
S.H.I.T list, and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing you
get all the S. H. I. T. you can handle.

Employees who don't take their S. H. I.T. will be placed in DEPARTMENTAL
EMPLOYEE EVALUATION PROGRAMS (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T).

Those who fail to take D.E.E.P. S.H.I.T seriously will have to go to
EMPLOYEE ATTITUDE TRAINING (E.A.T.S.H.I.T).

Since our supervisors took S.H.I.T before they were promoted, they don't
have to do S.H.I.T anymore, and are all full of S.H.I.T already. If you
are full of S.H.I.T, you may be interested in a job teaching others. We
can add your name to our BASIC UNDERSTANDING LIST of LEADERS
(B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T).

For employees who are intending to pursue a career in management and
consulting, we will refer you to the department of MANAGERIAL
OPERATIONAL RESEARCH EDUCATION (M.O.R.E.S.H.I.T). This course emphasizes
how to manage M.O.R.E. S.H.I.T

If you have further questions, please direct them to our HEAD OF
TEACHING, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (H.O.T.S..H.I.T).

Thank you,

BOSS IN GENERAL, SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (B.I.G.S.H.I.T)

P.S. Now send this S.H.I.T to 5 people who need S.H.I.T in their life,
just not the same person who sent you this S.H.I..T They have already had
their fill of S.H.I.T
Thank you for your time.

Sincerely,


The Director U nder the Main Bureau of Super High Intensity Training.
(The D.U.M.B.S.H.i.T)
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Postby Jovorock » Wed Aug 18, 2004 12:24 pm

9. This employeeis depriving a village somewhere of an idiot. LMAO :D
Keep your friends and your enemies very close
You never know when you might have to stab one
of them in the back!
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Wed Aug 18, 2004 11:08 pm

S.H.I.T. :lol: :D :mrgreen: GREAT !!!
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Aug 19, 2004 10:56 am

Compliments of Mrs.CombinePilot:



A three year old little boy was examining his testicles while taking a bath.

"Mama," he asked, "Are these my brains?"

Mama answered, "Not yet."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Cornuck » Thu Aug 19, 2004 12:17 pm

A guy walks by a woman co-worker in his his office and says, "hey - your hair smells great today!"
The woman storm off and goes to her supervisor's office to complain. "Sir", she says "Jones just walked by and told me my Hair smells nice!"
The supervisor replies, "Don't you think your getting a little worked up? That sounds like a nice compliment".
The woman replies, "But sir, you don't understand - Jones is midget!"
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Postby mattola » Fri Aug 20, 2004 2:21 pm

A guy has a boil on his ass. He goes to his doctor, and the doctor says, "There's nothing I can do. I'm gonna refer you to a private doctor. It looks to me like you should go, because this thing could get infected." So, he goes to this private doctor and the private doctor looks and says, "Gee, there's nothing that I can do. This thing is out of control, but I know this specialist you should go to." He refers him to this specialist. The specialist has a look.The specialist is appalled. He says, "OK. There's nothing I can do, but I can refer you to this one guy who I think might be able to help you" and he writes the name down.

The guy follows this address. It takes him down to these docks. He's wandering around these docks and he finds this old wooden door with a name. It says on the front "Peter Puss-sucker." He opens it up and there's this guy in there who has one tooth. He says, "Let me have a look." The guy pulls down his pants and there's this huge boil on his ass. He says, "That's fine. Bend over. What I'm going to do is bite into this boil and I'm gonna suck out the poison... It's the only thing we can do."

So, he bends over and the guy bites into it and is sucking the poison out. The guy can't help it, he farts in his face. Pete stands up and says, "Jesus, man! Blokes like you make this job disgusting!!!"
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Postby mattola » Fri Aug 27, 2004 11:35 am

I haven't been able to verify if this is a true story or not but I still rolflmao.

:)

=======================================================

Toronto Globe & Mail

March 30, 2004


In most of the Canadian Provinces, there is a policy of checking on any stalled vehicle on the highway when the temperatures drop in the single digits or below.

One morning in March 2004 about 3 a.m. RCMP Constable Bill Wisen was awakened to respond to such a call of a car off the shoulder on the Trans Canada Highway outside of Medicine Hat, Alberta. Constable Wisen located the car still running, stuck in deep snow alongside the highway. Pulling in behind it with his emergency lights on, Constable Wisen walked to the driver's door to find an older man passed out behind the wheel and a near empty bottle of vodka in the seat. He tapped on the window and the driver woke up, seeing the rotating lights in his rear view mirror and the RCMP Constable standing next to his car. The man panicked, and he jerked the gearshift into drive and hit the gas. The car's speedometer was showing 20-30-40 then 50 KPH, but it's still stuck in the snow. Constable Wisen , having a sense of humour, began running in place next to the speeding but still stationary car. The driver was totally freaked thinking the officer is actually keeping up with him.

This goes on for about 20 seconds when Constable Wisen yelled at the man ordering him to "pull over". This man obeyed and turned his wheel and stopped the engine. Once out of the car the drunken driver asked about the RCMP's special training and just how could the Constable run 50 KPH. The man, Mr. Robert Duport of Medicine Hat was arrested still believing that an RCMP Constable had outrun his car.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Aug 27, 2004 12:33 pm

LMFAO!!!!!


Thats the Best!
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Sat Sep 04, 2004 1:58 pm

A lawyer and a blonde are sitting next to each other on a long flight from LA to NY.

The lawyer leans over to her and asks if she would like to play a fun game.The blonde just wants to take a nap, so she politely declines and rolls over to the window to catch a few winks.

The lawyer persists and explains that the game is really easy and a lot of fun. He explains" I ask you a question, and if you don't know the answer, you pay me $5, and vice-versa." Again, she politely declines and tries to get some sleep.

The lawyer, now somewhat agitated, says, "Okay, if you don't know the answer you pay me $5, and if I don't know the answer that you'll ask me, I will pay you $500!." Figuring that since she is a blonde that he will easily win the match.

This catches the blonde's attention and, figuring that there will be no end to this torment unless she plays, agrees to the game.

The lawyer asks the first question. "What's the distance from the earth to the moon?" The blonde doesn't say a word, reaches in to her purse, pulls out a five dollar bill and hands it to the lawyer. Now, it's the blonde's turn.

She asks the lawyer: "What goes up a hill with three legs, and comes down with four?" The lawyer looks at her with a puzzled look. He takes out his laptop computer and searches all his references.He taps into the Airphone with his modem and searches the Net and the Library of Congress.

Frustrated, he sends E-mails to all his coworkers and friends he knows. All to no avail. Afterover an hour, he wakes the blonde and hands her $500. The blonde politely takes the $500 and turns away to get back to sleep.

The lawyer, who is more than a little miffed, wakes the blonde and asks, "Well, so what IS the answer!?" Without a word, the blonde reaches into her purse, hands the lawyer $5, and goes back to sleep.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Sep 08, 2004 12:39 pm

There was a man named Tom who got a new job. His fellow employees always met for a round of golf every Saturday. They asked Tom to meet them at 10:00 Saturday morning. Tom replied that he would love to meet them, but he may be 6 minutes late.

On Saturday morning Tom was there at exactly 10:00. He golfed right handed and won the round. Following Saturday rolls around, and Tom says that he will be there, but he may be 6 minutes late again. He shows up right on time, golf's left handed, and wins the round.

This continues for the next few weeks, with Tom always saying that he may be 6 minutes late, and then always winning the round golfing, either left or right handed.

The other employees are getting tired of this, and decided to ask him what the deal was. They said, ''Tom, every Saturday you say you may be six minutes late. You never are. Then you show up and golf with either right handed or left handed, and always win. What is up with that?"

Tom replies, ''Well, I am a very superstitious kind of guy. Every Saturday when I wake up, I look over at my wife. If she is sleeping On her left side, I golf left handed. If she is sleeping on her right side, I golf right handed.''
"'Well," one of the employees questioned, ''What happens if she is laying on her back?''

Tom replies, ''Then I am 6 minutes late."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Sep 13, 2004 9:14 am

Jesus is watching you!



A burglar broke into a house one night. He shone his flashlight around looking for valuables and when he picked up a CD player to place in his sack, a strange, disembodied voice echoed from the dark saying, "Jesus is watching you." He nearly jumped out of his skin, clicked his flashlight off and froze.

When he heard nothing more after a bit, he shook his head, promised himself a vacation after the next big score, then clicked the light on and began searching for more valuables.

Just as he pulled the stereo out so he could disconnect the wires, clear as a bell he heard, "Jesus is watching you." Freaked out, he shone his light around frantically, looking for the source of the voice.

Finally, in the corner of the room, his flashlight beam came to rest on a parrot. "Did you say that?" he hissed at the parrot. "Yep," the parrot confessed and then squawked, "I'm just trying to warn you."

The burglar relaxed. "Warn me, huh? Who in the world are you?"

"Moses," replied the bird.

"Moses?" the burglar laughed. "What kind of people would name a bird Moses?"

"The kind of people that would name a Rottweiler Jesus."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Mon Sep 13, 2004 11:08 pm

oh jesus :D :lol: :mrgreen: :mex: great !!!
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