Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby rex19 » Tue Oct 12, 2004 2:32 pm

I went to the store the other day, I was only in there for bout 5 minutes
and when I came out there was a damn motorcycle cop writing a
parking ticket. So I went up to him and said, 'Come on buddy, how
about giving a girl a break?'

He ignored me and continued writing the ticket.
So I called him a pencil necked nazi. He glared at me
and started writing another ticket for having bald tires!!
So I called him a horse's ass. He finished the second
ticket and put it on the car with the first. Then he started
writing a third ticket!!

This went on for about 20 minutes, the more I abused
him, the more tickets he wrote.

I didn't give a damn. My car was parked around the corner



rex :roll:
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Postby rex19 » Tue Oct 12, 2004 3:11 pm

The Pentagon recently found it had too many generals and offered an
early
retirement bonus.
They promised any general who retired immediately his full annual
benefits plus $10,000 for every inch measured in a straight line
between
any two points on the general's body, with the general getting to
select any pair of points he wished.
The first general was from the Air Force. He asked the pension clerk
to
measure from the top of his head to the tip of his toes. Six feet. He
walked
out with a check for $720,000.
The second man, an Army general, asked the pension
clerk to measure from
the tip of his up-stretched hands to his toes. Eight feet. He walked
out
with a check for $960,000.
The third general was a tough old Paratrooper from North Carolina. He
told the
pension man, "Son, I want you to measure from the tip
of my weenie all the way to my testicles."
The pension man suggested that perhaps the
general might like to
reconsider, pointing out the nice checks the previous
two generals had received.
The Paratrooper insisted, "No sir, you heard right.
Go ahead and measure."
The pension expert said that would be okay, but that he'd better get
a
medical officer to do the measuring.
The medical officer attended and asked the general to drop 'em.
He did.
The medical officer placed the tape on the tip of the general's
wiener
and began to work back.
"My God!" he said, "where are your testicles?"

"Vietnam," the general replied.



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Postby jchockey » Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:02 pm

What gender would you assign to your computer?
A marketing director for a prominent computer manufacturer was devising a new advertising campaign for his company. While searching consumer response to his product, he asked "Naval ships are commonly referred to as "she" or "her". What gender would you assign to your computer? Give four reasons to support your answer..."


# A large groups of women reported that the computers should be referred to in the masculine gender because:

1. In order to get their attention, you have to turn them on

2. They have a lot of data, but are still clueless

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they are the problem.

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realise that, if you had waited a little longer you could have had a better model.


The men, on the other hand, concluded that computers should be referred to in the feminine gender because:

1. No one but the Creator understands their internal logic

2. The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else

3. Even you smallest mistakes are stored in long-term memory for later retrieval

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself spending half your paycheque on accessories for it.
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Postby jchockey » Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:03 pm

Four men got together to play golf one sunny morning. As they
were heading out to the course, one of them was detained by a
phone call.

The other three were discussing their children while walking to
the first tee.

"My son," said one proudly, "has made quite a name for himself
in the home building industry. He began as a carpenter, but now
owns his own design and construction firm. He's so successful,
in fact in the last year he was able to give a good friend a
brand new home as a gift."

The second man, not to be outdone, boasts how his son began his
career as a car salesman, but now owns a multi-line dealership.
"He's so successful, in fact, in the last six months he gave a
friend two brand new cars as a gift."

The third man brags that his son has worked his way up through a
stock brokerage firm, and has become so successful that in the
last few weeks has given a good friend a large stock portfolio
as a gift.

As the fourth man arrives at the tee box, the three smugly tell
him that they have been discussing how successful their progeny
are, and ask what line of work his son is in.

"To tell the truth, I'm not very pleased how my son has turned
out," he replies. "For fifteen years, he's been a hairdresser,
and I've just recently discovered he's gay."

As the other three recoil in horror, he continues, "but on the
bright side, he must be good at what he does, because his last
three boyfriends have given him a brand new house, two new cars,
and a big stock portfolio."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:11 pm

:lol:
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby rex19 » Tue Oct 12, 2004 4:37 pm

Madcombinepilot wrote::lol:


here's an ass joke for ya MCP


What's the last thing to go through a bug's mind as it hits the windshield?




























His ass.



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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Oct 13, 2004 8:47 am

A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecture smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly : "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby rex19 » Wed Oct 13, 2004 11:26 am

Madcombinepilot wrote:A university lecturer reminds her students of tomorrow's final exam "Now, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow. I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!"

A smart-arse bloke in the back of the room raised his hand and asks, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?"

The entire class does its best to stifle their laughter. When silence is restored, the lecture smiles sympathetically at the student, shakes her head, and says sweetly : "Well, I suppose you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."


i ilked that one..


:lol: :lol:

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Postby nucks_girl » Thu Oct 14, 2004 9:13 am

Sorry for any biblical mistakes in this one folks:

Three guys show up at Heaven's Gate wanting to get in. St. Peter, however, is in quite the mood. "Look, we're getting pretty backed up here guys, so you're going to have to tell me how you died, and then I'll see if I should let you in or not."

So, St. Peter calls the first man forward. "How did you die?"
The man starts to tell his story, "Well, I had just come home from a long day at the office. I was walking around my place looking for my wife, and finally I found her lying naked in the bed. I knew something was wrong because she's got the sex drive of a peanut, and she's never naked. So, I start tearing the place up, looking for the guy she must be having an affair with. Well, I looked everywhere, but I couldn't find him anywhere, so I figured he must have just left. So I step out on the balcony to get some fresh air. While I'm out there, I happen to look down, and I see fingers hanging off the side of the ledge! This bastard is actually hanging off the side of my balcony! So, I do what any sane man would do. I grab my hammer and start hammering his hands. So the guy falls, but he lands in a bush, and he's ok! So, basically, I picked up the fridge and threw it at him. Problem is, the cord wrapped around my ankle, and I went down with the fridge and died instantly."

"Well, that's quite the unfortunate set of events. I think I'll let you in.", says St. Peter. So the guy skips off happily into heaven. Then St. Peter asks for the next guy in line.

"Good afternoon St Peter.", says the second gentleman. "I'd love to tell you my story. See, I live in an apartment building, but my apartment isn't very big. So, once in a while, when I'm exercising, I like to do so out on the balcony because there's a bit more room out there and I get nice fresh air. Well, while I was exercising, I happened to slip and fall. But it was ok, because I happened to catch the balcony on the floor below me. Then while I was trying to pull myself up, this psycho comes out and starts hammering my hands, and I fall. It must have been a string of good luck though, because I landed in some bushes and I was ok, except for a few broken bones. Then this idiot comes out of nowhere and throws a fridge on me!! A FRIDGE!!!!! Obviously, my luck ran out, and that's how i got here."

St. Peter, very sympathetically, says, "That really is quite upsetting for such a thing to happen. Well, you better get to happier times in heaven, enjoy." And the guy skips off into heaven. Then St. Peter asks for the last gentleman. "So, what is your story?"

He starts off, "Ok, so I'm hiding in a fridge..."
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Postby Momesso » Thu Oct 14, 2004 1:11 pm

LOL, that's one of my faves....

here's one I saw recently.....

This is an actual job application that a 75 year
old senior citizen submitted to Wal-Mart in Arkansas.
They hired him because he was so funny.

NAME: George Martin
SEX: Not lately, but I am looking for the right
woman (or at least, one who'll cooperate).
DESIRED POSITION: Company's President or Vice
President. But seriously, whatever's available. If I
was in a position to be picky, I wouldn't be applying
here in the first place.
DESIRED SALARY: $185,000 a year plus stock
options and a Michael Ovitz style severance package. If
that's not possible, make an offer and we can haggle.
EDUCATION: Yes.
LAST POSITION HELD: Target for middle management
hostility.
PREVIOUS SALARY: A lot less than I'm worth.
MOST NOTABLE ACHIEVEMENT: My incredible
collection of stolen pens and post-it notes.
REASON FOR LEAVING: It sucked.
HOURS AVAILABLE TO WORK: Any.
PREFERRED HOURS: 1:30-3:30 p. m. Monday,Tuesday,
and Thursday.
DO YOU HAVE ANY SPECIAL SKILLS?: Yes, but
they're better suited to a more intimate environment.
MAY WE CONTACT YOUR CURRENT EMPLOYER?: If I had
one, would I be here?
DO YOU HAVE ANY PHYSICAL CONDITIONS THAT WOULD
PROHIBIT YOU FROM LIFTING UP TO 50 lbs.?: Of what?
DO YOU HAVE A CAR?: I think the more appropriate
question here would be "Do you have a car that runs?"
HAVE YOU RECEIVED ANY SPECIAL AWARDS OR
RECOGNITION?: I may already be a winner of the
Publishers Clearing House Sweepstakes, so they tell
me.
DO YOU SMOKE?: On the job - no, on my breaks - no.
WHAT WOULD YOU LIKE TO BE DOING IN FIVE YEARS?:
Living in the Bahamas with a fabulously wealthy dumb
sexy blonde supermodel who thinks I'm the greatest
thing since sliced bread. Actually, I'd like to be
doing that now.
DO YOU CERTIFY THAT THE ABOVE IS TRUE AND
COMPLETE TO THE BEST OF YOUR KNOWLEDGE?: Oh yes, absolutely.

SIGN HERE: Sagittarius
Eyes on the Prize
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Oct 15, 2004 10:56 am

George Bush goes to a primary school to talk about the war. After his talk he offers question time. One little boy puts up his hand and George asks him what his name is.
"Billy."
"And what is your question, Billy?"
"I have 3 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? And third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden?" .

Just then the bell rings for recess. George Bush informs the kiddies that they will continue after recess. When they resume George says, "OK, where were we? Oh that's right -- question time. Who has a question?"
Another little boy puts up his hand. George points him out and asks him what his name is.
"Steve"
"And what is your question, Steve?"
"I have 5 questions. First, why did the USA invade Iraq without the support of the UN? Second, why are you President when Al Gore got more votes? Third, whatever happened to Osama Bin Laden? Fourth, why did the recess bell go 20 minutes early? And fifth, what the f**k happened to Billy?"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Oct 19, 2004 9:59 am

Patrick O'Leary showed up at Mass one Sunday and the priest almost fel down when he saw him. O'Leary had never been seen in church in his adult life.
After Mass, the priest caught up with O'Leary and said, "Mr. O'Leary, I am so glad you decided to come to Mass. What made you come?"

O'Leary said, "I've got to be honest with you, Father. A while back, I misplaced me cap. I really, really love that cap. I knew that Donald Shaunessy had one just like mine, and I knew that Shaunessy came to church every Sunday. I also knew that Shaunessy had to take off his cap during Mass, and I figured he would leave it in the back of church. So, I was going to leave after Communion and steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest said, "Well, Mr. O"Leary, I notice that you didn't steal Mr.Shaunassy's cap. What changed your mind?"

O'Leary said, "Well, after I heard your sermon on the Ten Commandments, I
decided that I didn't need to steal Shaunessy's cap."

The priest gave O'Leary a big smile and said, "Ah, after I talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Steal,' you decided you would rather do without your cap than burn in Hell, right?"

O'Leary shook his head and said, "No, Father. After you talked about 'Thou Shalt Not Commit Adultery,' I remembered where I left me cap."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Oct 20, 2004 9:19 am

Yesterday I came home and was greeted by my wife dressed in a very sexy nightie.
"Tie me up," she purred, "and you can do anything you want."
So, I tied her up and went golfing.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Nov 02, 2004 4:18 pm

A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise
you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wanna ... numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.........

"You want... Beef wif Bwoccori?"
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Postby jchockey » Tue Nov 02, 2004 5:04 pm

Madcombinepilot wrote:A Chinese couple gets married - and she's a virgin. Truth be told, he is none too experienced either. On the wedding night, she cowers naked under the bed sheets as her husband undresses. He climbs in next to her and tries to be reassuring:
"My darring" he says, "I know dis you fus time and you berry frighten. I plomise
you, I give you anyting you wan, I do anyting jus anyting you wan, you say. Whatchou wan?" he says, trying to sound experienced, which he hopes will impress his virgin bride. A thoughtful silence follows and he waits patiently (and eagerly for her request.

She eventually replies shyly and unsure, "I wanna ... numba 69."

More thoughtful silence, this time from him. Eventually, in a puzzled tone he queries.........

"You want... Beef wif Bwoccori?"


LOL :D one of the better asian jokes i've heard.
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