Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby nucks_girl » Thu Sep 30, 2004 12:15 pm

LOL oh wow that was good!
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Postby F15 Driver » Thu Sep 30, 2004 3:23 pm

Two Hill-Billy women in the Ozarks are out in a garden picking vegetables.
One bends over and, with some difficulty, pulls a large carrot from the soil.
She holds it up and looks at it.
The second woman says, "Why are you looking at that carrot, Daisy-May?"
"It just reminds me of my beau, Cletus", she responds.
"Why? Is he that big?"
"Nope, he's that dirty".
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Postby tey » Thu Sep 30, 2004 7:31 pm

Short Essay - A+

In a college writing class, the students were instructed to write a short
story in as few words as possible.

They were to address three subjects in their assignment: Religion,
Sexuality, and Mystery.

The most concise story submitted, that met all three requirements, was
written by a young lady who received an A+ for her essay.

She had turned in the following story:



"Good God! I am pregnant. I wonder who did it?" :D :shock: :lol:
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Oct 01, 2004 2:02 pm

>"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?



LMFAO!!!!
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Oct 01, 2004 2:44 pm

A Texas woodpecker and a Louisiana woodpecker were arguing about which
state had the hardest trees.

The Texas woodpecker said that they had a tree in Texas that no woodpecker could peck.

The Louisiana woodpecker accepted the challenge and promptly pecked a hole in the tree with no problem.

The Texas woodpecker was in awe.

The Louisiana woodpecker then challenged the Texas woodpecker to peck a
tree in Louisiana that was absolutely un-peckable.

The Texas woodpecker expressed confidence that he could do it and accepted the challenge. After flying to Louisiana, the Texas woodpecker successfully pecked the tree with no problem.

The two woodpeckers were now confused. How is it that the Louisiana woodpecker was able to peck the Texas tree and the Texas woodpecker was
able to peck the Louisiana tree when neither one was able to peck the tree in their own state?

After much woodpecker-pondering, they both came to the same conclusion:

Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Sat Oct 02, 2004 4:39 am

Madcombinepilot wrote:Your pecker is always harder when you're away from home.


:lol: a true wisdom :D
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Oct 04, 2004 7:43 am

Workplace Dare Game
Who can get the most points by the end of the day?


ONE-POINT DARES
1. Run one lap around the office at top speed.
2. Ignore the first five people who say 'good morning' to you.
3. Phone someone in the office you barely know, leave your name and say,
"Just called to say I can't talk right now. Bye."
4. To signal the end of a conversation, clamp your hands over your ears and grimace.
5. When someone hands you a piece of paper, finger it, and whisper huskily,
"Mmmmmmm, that feels soooooo good!"
6. Leave your zipper open for one hour. If anyone points it out, say,
"Sorry, I really prefer it this way".
7. Walk sideways to the photocopier.
8. While riding the elevator, gasp dramatically every time the doors open.
9. Groan out loud in the toilet cubicle (at least one other 'non-player' must be in the toilet at the time).

THREE-POINT DARES

1. Say to your boss, "I like your style" and shoot him with double-barreled fingers.
2. Babble incoherently at a fellow employee then ask, "Did you get all that, I don't want to have to repeat it".
3. Page yourself over the intercom (do not disguise your voice).
4. Kneel in front of the water cooler and drink directly from the nozzle (there must be a 'non-player' within sight).
5. Shout random numbers while someone is counting.

FIVE POINT DARES
1. At the end of a meeting, suggest that, for once, it would be nice to conclude with the singing of the national anthem (extra points if you actually launch into it yourself).
2. Walk into a very busy person's office and while they watch you with growing irritation, turn the light switch on/off 10 times.
3. For an hour, refer to everyone you speak to as "Bob".
4. Announce to everyone in a meeting that you "really have to go do a number 2".
5. After every sentence, say 'Mon' in a really bad Jamaican accent. As in "the report's on your desk, Mon". Keep this up for one hour.
6. While an office mate is out, move their chair into the elevator.
7. In a meeting or crowded situation, slap your forehead repeatedly and mutter, "Shut up, damn it, all of you just shut up!"
8. At lunchtime, get down on your knees and announce, "As God as my witness, I'll never go hungry again".
9. In a colleague's diary, write in 10am: "See how I look in tights".
10. Carry your keyboard over to your colleague and ask, "You wanna trade?"
11. Repeat the following conversation 10 times to the same person: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, it's gone now".
12. Come to work in army fatigues and when asked why, say, "I can't talk about it".
13. Posing as a maitre d', call a colleague and tell him he's won a lunch for four at a local restaurant. Let him go.
14. Speak with an accent (French, German, Porky Pig, etc) during a very
important conference call.
15. Find the vacuum and start vacuuming around your desk.
16. Hang a two-foot long piece of toilet roll from the back of your pants and act genuinely surprised when someone points it out.
17. Present meeting attendees with a cup of coffee and biscuit, smash each
biscuit with your fist.
18. During the course of a meeting, slowly edge your chair towards the door.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby rex19 » Mon Oct 04, 2004 10:01 am

CINDERELLA
>
>Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let
>her. As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears,
>and promises to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the
>ball, but only on two conditions.
>
>"First, you must wear a diaphragm." Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
>"You must be home by 2 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn
>into a pumpkin." Cinderella agrees to be home by 2 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5 a.m., Cinderella shows up, looking
>love-struck and very satisfied. "Where have you been?" demands the fairy godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to have turned into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
>
>"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything." "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!" "I can't remember, exactly ...Peter Peter, something or other..."
>-------------------------------------------------
>
>PINOCCHIO
>
>Pinocchio had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about
>splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit
>Gepetto to see if he could help. Gepetto suggested he try a little
>sandpaper on his manhood and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened. A couple of weeks
>later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him,
>"How's the girlfriend?" Pinocchio replied,
>"Who needs a girlfriend?"
>
>~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
>
>RED RIDING HOOD
>
>Little Red Riding Hood was walking through the woods when suddenly the
>Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a Sword to her throat,
>said "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!" To that, Little Red
>Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a .44 magnum and
>pointed it at him and said,
>
>"No you're not! You're going to eat me, just like it says in the
>book!"
>
> rex 8-)
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Oct 07, 2004 10:30 am

CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby rex19 » Thu Oct 07, 2004 11:36 am

Madcombinepilot wrote:CHINESE SICK LEAVE - "I NO COME WORK TODAY!!!"

Hung Chow calls into work and says, "Hey, boss I no come work today, I really sick. I got headache, stomachache and my legs hurt, I no come work." The boss says, "You know Hung Chow, I really need you today. When I feel like this I go to my wife and tell her give me sex. That makes everything better and I go work. You try that." Two hours later Hung Chow calls again. "Boss, I do what you say and I feel great. I be at work soon. You got nice house."


LOL :lol:

Three blondes died and found themselves standing before St. Peter.



He told them before they could enter the Kingdom, they had to tell him what Easter was.



The first blonde said, "Easter is a holiday where they have a big feast and we give thanks and eat turkey."



St. Peter said, "Noooooooooo," and he banished her to hell.



The second blonde said, "Easter is when we celebrate Jesus' birth and exchange gifts."



St. Peter said, "Nooooooooooooo," and he banished her to hell.



The third blonde said she knew what Easter was, and St. Peter said,"So, tell me."



She said, "Easter is a Christian holiday that coincides with the Jewish festival of Passover.

Jesus was having Passover feast with His disciples when he was betrayed by Judas, and the Romans arrested Him. The Romans hung Him on the cross and eventually He died. Then they buried him in a borrowed tomb behind a very large boulder......."



St. Peter said "Verrrrrrrrrrry good! And then........?"



"Now every year the Jews roll away the boulder and Jesus comes out. If He sees His shadow, we have six more weeks of hockey."



St. Peter fainted.


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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Oct 08, 2004 11:30 am

THAT WAS THE BEST FUCKING JOKE I HAVE READ IN MONTHS!!!!!


thanks. :)
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Postby rex19 » Fri Oct 08, 2004 1:46 pm

Madcombinepilot wrote:THAT WAS THE BEST FUCKING JOKE I HAVE READ IN MONTHS!!!!!


thanks. :)


no probs... :lol:


A man and his wife are awakened at 3 o'clock in the morning by a
> > > > > loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where
> >a
> > > > > drunken stranger standing in a pouring down rain is asking for a push.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Not a chance" says the husband -- "It's three o'clock in the
> >morning!"
> > > > > He slams the door and returns to bed.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Who was it?" asks his wife.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Just a drunken stranger asking for a push" he answers.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Did you help him?" she asks.
> > > > >
> > > > > "NO, I didn't -- it's three in the morning and raining out!"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Well, you've got a short memory" says his wife. "Can't you
> > > > > remember about three months ago when we broke down on vacation and
> >those
> > > > > two guys helped us? I think you should help him."
> > > > >
> > > > > The man does as he is told and gets dressed and goes out into the
> > > > > pounding rain and calls out into the dark. "Hello -- are you still
> > > there?"
> > > > >
> > > > > "Yes," comes the answer.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Do you still want a push?" calls out the husband.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Where are you?" asks the husband.
> > > > >
> > > > > "Over here on the swing" the drunk replies.

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Postby Jovorock » Sun Oct 10, 2004 9:02 am

WOMEN ARE EVIL BY NATURE
> >>>
> >>> A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub...She
> >>> gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately.
>
> >>> She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to
> hers.
> >>> As he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the
> manager?"
> >>> she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands.
> >>> "Actually, no," he replied.
> >>> "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said,
> >>> running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair.
> >>> "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there
> anything I
> >>> can do?"
> >>> "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued,
> >>> running her
> >>> forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a
> couple
> >>> of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently.
> >>> "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say.
> >>> "! Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, hand
> soap,
> >>> or paper towels in the ladies room."
> >>> ~~~~~
> >>> Eeeewwww!
> >>>
> >>>
Keep your friends and your enemies very close
You never know when you might have to stab one
of them in the back!
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Postby NeoCanuck » Mon Oct 11, 2004 2:14 am

A Old One..

Which Sexual Position is the Best for making ugly babies?

Ask Your Mom.

^_^
Get Your Towels Out Boys!

What Would Happen If The Toronto Raptors Broadcaster Started Doing Canucks Games?

NASLUND DEKES, SCORES!!! THAT WAS SICK, WICKED AND NASTY!!
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Postby rex19 » Tue Oct 12, 2004 2:01 pm

NeoCanuck wrote:A Old One..

Which Sexual Position is the Best for making ugly babies?

Ask Your Mom.

^_^


you trying to make some kinda point here neo?? double posting same stoopid joke..

an aging prostitute walked into the bar. As she slid herself up on to the barstool she slowly sank to the ground....


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