Not sure if this one is in here yet.... but its a good one
Jacques Chirac, The French President, is sitting in his office when
his telephone rings. "Hallo, Mr. Chirac!" a heavily accented voice
said. "This is Paddy Down at the Harp Pub in County Clare, Ireland.
I am ringing to inform you that we are officially declaring war on
"Well, Paddy," Chirac replied, "This is indeed important news! How
big is your army?"
"Right now," says Paddy, after a moment's calculation, "there is
myself, me Cousin Sean, me next door neighbour Seamus, and the
entire darts team from the pub That makes eight!"
Chirac paused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 100,000 men in
my army waiting to move on my command."
"Begoora!" says Paddy. "I'll have to ring you back."
Sure enough, the next day, Paddy calls again. "Mr. Chirac, the war
is still on. We have managed to get us some infantry equipment!"
"And what equipment would that be Paddy?" Chirac asks. "Well, we
have two combines, a bulldozer, and Murphy's farm tractor."
Chirac sighs amused. "I must tell you, Paddy, that I have 6,000
tanks and 5,000 armored personnel carriers. Also, I have increased
my army to 150,000 since we last spoke."
"Saints preserve us!" says Paddy. "I'll have to get back to you."
Sure enough, Paddy rings again the next day. "Mr. Chirac, the war is
still on! We have managed to get ourselves airborne! We have
modified Jackie McLaughlin's ultra-light with a couple of shotguns
in the cockpit, and four boys from the Shamrock Bar have joined us
Chirac was silent for a minute and then cleared his throat. "I must
tell you, Paddy, that I have 100 bombers and 200 fighter planes. My
military bases are surrounded by laser-guided, surface-to-air
missile sites. And since we last spoke, I have increased my army to
"Jesus, Mary, and Joseph!" says Paddy, "I will have to ring you
Sure enough, Paddy calls again the next day. "Top O the mornin', Mr.
I am sorry to inform you that we have had to call off the war."
"Really? I am sorry to hear that," says Chirac. "Why the sudden
change of heart?"
"Well," says Paddy, "we had a long chat over a few pints of
Guinness, and decided there is no fookin' way we can feed 200,000
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.