Joke Central

[Madcombinepilot]

There are two Mexicans who have been lost in the desert for weeks, and
they're at death's door. As they stumble on, hoping for salvation in the form of an oasis or something similar, they suddenly spy, through the heat haze, a tree off in the distance.

As they get closer they can see that the tree is draped with rasher upon
rasher of bacon. There's smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy
nearly - raw bacon, all sorts.

"Hey, Pepe" says the first bloke "Ees a bacon tree!!! We're saved!!!"

"You're right, amigo!" says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of
food. But as he gets to within five feet of the tree, there's the sound of
machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets.

His friend quickly drops down on the sand and calls across to the dying
Pepe.

"Pepe!! Pepe!! Que pasa hombre?"

With his dying breath Pepe calls out... "Ugh, run, amigo, run!! Ees not a Bacon Tree!"


"Ees... a.... Ham bush"

[Cornuck]

Ham Bush - I get it - ONe of the funnier puns I've seen lately!

[rex19]

Two Indians and a Hillbilly
>
> Two Indians and a Hillbilly were walking in the woods.
> All of a sudden, one of the Indians ran up a hill to the mouth of a
> small cave.
>
> "Wooooo! Wooooo! Wooooo!" he called into the cave and then he
> listened very closely until he heard an answering, "Wooooo! Wooooo!
> Wooooo!" He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
>
> The Hillbilly was puzzled and asked the other Indian what that was all
> about. Was the other Indian crazy or what?
>
> "No," said the Indian. "It is our custom during mating season.
> When Indian men see cave, they holler,"Wooooo!
> Wooooo! Wooooo!" into the opening. If they get an answer back, it
> means there is a girl in there waiting to mate."
>
> Just then they saw another cave. The Indian ran up to the opening of
> the cave, stopped, and hollered, "Wooooo!
> Wooooo! Wooooo!" Immediately, there was an answering "Wooooo!
> Wooooo! Wooooo!" from deep inside the cave.
> He tore off his clothes and ran into the cave.
>
> The Hillbilly wandered around in the woods alone for a while, and then
> he came upon a great big cave. As he looked in amazement at the size
> of the huge opening, he was thinking, "Hoo, man!
> Look at the size of this cave! It is bigger than those the Indians found.
> There must be some really big, fine women in this cave!"
>
> He stood in front of the opening and hollered with all his might "Wooooo!
> Wooooo! Wooooo!" He grinned and closed his eyes in anticipation, and
> then he heard the answering call, "WOOOOOOOOO!
> WOOOOOOOOO! WOOOOOOOOO!" With a gleam in his eyes and a smile on his
> face, he raced into the cave, tearing off his clothes as he ran.
>
> The following day, the headline of the Local Newspaper read.....
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> Ready??????
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> '
> NAKED HILLBILLY RUN OVER BY FREIGHT TRAIN
>
>
rex

[Madcombinepilot]

Mick appeared on the Newfoundland version of "Who Wants To Be A Millionaire" and towards the end of the program had already won $500,000.00.

"You've done very well so far," said the show's presenter, but for 1 Million you've only got one lifeline left - phone-a-friend. Everything is riding on this question...will you go for it?"
"Sure," said Mick. "I'll have a go!"
"OK. The question is: Which of the following birds does NOT build it's own nest?
(a) Robin (b) Sparrow (c) Cuckoo or (d) Thrush."
"I hasn't got a clue," said Mick, "So I'll use my last lifeline and phone my friend Paddy back home in Come-Bye-Chance."

So, Mick called up his mate, told him the circumstances and repeated the question to him.
"Bloody Ell, Mick!" cried Paddy. "Dat's just simple lawgic....it's a Cuckoo."
"Are you sure, Paddy?" asked Mick.
"I'm Bloody sure" replied Paddy.
Mick hung up the phone and told the TV presenter, "I'll go with Cuckoo as my answer."
"Is that your final answer?" asked the host.
"Dat it is, Sir."
There was a long pause,a very long pause, then the presenter screamed,
" Cuckoo Is the correct answer! Mick, you've won $1,000,000.00!"

The next night, Mick invited Paddy to their local pub to buy him a drink.
"Tell me, Paddy? How in God's name did you know it was the cuckoo that doesn't build its own nest? I mean you know booger-all about birds."
"Bloody ell !" laughed Paddy.
"Everybody knows the stoopid cuckoo lives in a clock!"

[rex19]

Blonde Joke

You have to have lived in snow country to appreciate this one.

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for

another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and

the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street The trucker stops for
still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker
gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is
Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

rex

[Madcombinepilot]

English . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . I Love You
Spanish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Te Amo
French . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Je T'aime
German . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . lch Liebe Dich
Japanese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ai Shite Imasu
Italian . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Ti Amo
Chinese . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wo Ai Nin
Swedish . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jag Alskar
Saskatchewan . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .Nice Ass, Get in the truck.

[Madcombinepilot]

An old cowboy sat down at the bar and ordered a drink. As he sat sipping his drink, a young woman sat down next to him. She turned to the cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "Well, I've spent my whole life, breaking colts, working
cows, going to rodeos, fixing fences, pulling calves, bailing hay,
doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on tractors,
and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy."

She said, "I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about women. As soon as I get up in the morning, I think about women. When I shower, I think about women. When I watch TV, I think about women. I even think about women when I eat. It seems that everything makes me think of women."

The two sat sipping in silence.

A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, "Are you a real cowboy?"

He replied, "I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a lesbian."

[mattola]

this is hilarious

Wal-Mart Wine BENTONVILLE, ARK (AP) -- Some Wal-Mart customers soon will be able to sample a new discount item: Wal-Mart's own brand of wine. The world's largest retail chain is teaming up with E&J Gallo Winery of Modesto, California, to produce the spirits at an affordable price, in the $2 - $5 range. While wine connoisseurs may not be inclined to throw a bottle of Wal-Mart brand wine into their shopping carts, there is a market for cheap wine, said Kathy Micken, professor of marketing at Roger Williams University in Bristol, R.I. She said: "The right name is important." So, here we go: The top 12 suggested names for Wal-Mart Wine:

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel
10. Big Red Gulp
9. Grape Expectations
8. Domaine Wal-Mart "Merde du Pays"
7. NASCARbernet
6. Chef Boyardeaux
5. Peanut Noir
4. Chateau des Moines
3. ! I Can't Believe It's Not Vinegar!
2. World Championship Riesling And the number
1 name for Wal-Mart Wine... 1. Nasti Spumante
The beauty of Wal-Mart wine is that it can be served with white meat (Possum) and red meat (squirrel).

[Madcombinepilot]

LOL..

12. Chateau Traileur Parc
11. White Trashfindel

kinda reminds me of home ......

[Madcombinepilot]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask,
"Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

[mattola]

After the North American Beer Festival, all the brewery presidents decided to go out for a beer. The guy from Corona sits down and says, "Hey Senor, I would like the world's best beer, a Corona."

The bartender dusts off a bottle from the shelf and gives it to him.

The guy from Budweiser says, "I'd like the best beer in the world, give me 'The King Of Beers', a Budweiser." The bartender gives him one.

The guy from Coors says, "I'd like the only beer made with Rocky Mountain spring water, give me a Coors." He gets it.

The guy from Molson sits down and says, "Give me a Coke." The bartender is a little taken aback, but gives him what he ordered.

The other brewery presidents look over at him and ask,
"Why aren't you drinking a Molson's?"

The Molson president replies, "Well, I figured if you guys aren't drinking beer, neither would I."

still a classic

[Madcombinepilot]

A man walks up to a woman in his office each day, stands very close to her, draws in a large breath of air and tells her that her hair smells nice.



After a week of this, she can't stand it any longer, and goes to Human Resources.



Without identifying the guy, she tells them what the co-worker does, and that she wants to file a sexual harassment suit against him.



The HR supervisor is puzzled by this approach and asks, "What's sexually threatening about a co-worker telling you your hair smells nice?"



The woman replies, "It's Keith, the midget."

[rex19]

clean as a whistle.


Two guys were working for the city works department. One would dig a hole and
the other would follow behind him and fill the hole in. They worked up one side
of the street, then down the other, then moved on to the next street, working
furiously all day without rest, one guy digging a hole, the other guy filling
it in again.

An onlooker was amazed at their hard work, but couldn't understand what they
were doing. So he asked the hole digger, 'I'm impressed by the effort you two
are putting into your work, but I don't get it -- why do you dig a hole, only
to have your partner follow behind and fill it up again?'

The hole digger wiped his brow and sighed, 'Well, I suppose it probably looks
odd because we're normally a three-man team. But today the guy who plants the
trees called in sick.'

rex

[ZoSo]

Blonde Joke

You have to have lived in snow country to appreciate this one.

A trucker stops for red light and a blonde girl catches up. She knocks on
the door and the trucker lowers the window. The girl says "Hi, my name is
Heather and you are losing some of your load."

The trucker ignores her and proceeds down the street. The trucker stops for

another red light and the girl again catches up. She knocks on the door and

the trucker lowers the window and she says "Hi my name is Heather and you
are losing some of your load!"

He ignores her again and continues down the street The trucker stops for
still another red light and the girl catches up again all out of breath.
She knocks on the door and the trucker lowers the window. Again she says
"Hi, my name is Heather and you are losing some of your load!"

He dismisses her and starts off down the street, then stops. The trucker
gets out of the truck, approaches the blonde girl and says: "Hi, my name is
Kevin and I am driving a SALT TRUCK!"

rex

Good One rex..

It sounded familiar, I think I've heard it before somewhere...

[rex19]

A white haired man walked into a jeweler's shop late one Friday, with
> >a beautiful young lady on his side.
> >"I'm looking for a special ring for my girlfriend," he said.
> >
> >
> >The jeweler looks through his stock, and takes out an outstanding
> >ring priced at $5,000.
> >
> >
> >"I don't think you understand . I want something very unique," he said.
> >At that, the jeweler went and fetched his special stock from the safe.
> >"Here's one stunning ring at $40,000."
> >
> >
> >The girls' eyes sparkled, and the man said that he would take it.
> >
> >
> >"How are you paying?"
> >"I'll pay by check, but of course the bank would want to make sure
> >that everything is in order, so I'll write a check and you can phone
> >the bank tomorrow, then I'll fetch the ring on Monday."
> >
> >
> >Monday morning a very pissed off jeweler phones the man.
> >"You bastard, you lied there's no money in that account."
> >
> >
> >"I know, but can you imagine what a fantastic weekend I had?

rex
>
> _________________________________________________________________
>