Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

Moderator: Referees

Postby mattola » Mon Oct 31, 2005 12:55 pm

User avatar
mattola
Moderator & MVP
Moderator & MVP
 
Posts: 1855
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 11:44 am

Postby MinnesotaCanuck » Mon Oct 31, 2005 1:44 pm

Three midgets are really down on their luck. They've barely got a dime between the three of them. One night, as they're sitting around bemoaning their financial troubles, one of them has an idea.

"You know what?" one of the midgets asked. "I've got really small hands. I saw this thing for the Guinness Book of World Records in the paper. Maybe if I can get in there, we can make some money doing that."

This idea gets the other two midgets excited. The second midget adds, "I've got really small feet. Maybe I could give that a try!"

While the first two midgets excitedly talk about their prospects, the third midget chimes in sheepishly. "I'm pretty embarrassed to admit this guys, but I've got a really small penis. I don't know what it's worth, but I could give that a shot, too."

All three midgets agree to pool their money to get to the Guinness Offices the next day. Once they arrive, the small-handed midget goes in for his appointment. The other two midgets wait an eternity for him to come out. Finally, he bursts through the office doors and exclaims, "I've got the world's smallest hands! I'm going to get my picture in the next edition. They said I get paid $500!"

The three midgets hug excitedly. The second midget, excited by this news, rushes into the office for his turn. He comes out some time later yelling, "I've got the smallest feet! I've got the smallest feet! I'm going to get my picture in the Guinness Book next to the guy with the biggest feet. They're going to pay me $500!"

Encouraged by the others' results, the final midget decides to give it a shot. The first two midgets chant his name as he walks into the office. After twenty minutes in the office, the third midget walks out and yells,

"WHO THE HELL IS GARY BETTMAN?!"
User avatar
MinnesotaCanuck
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 80
Joined: Fri Sep 30, 2005 11:21 am
Location: MN Wild Country, USA

Postby Molson Muscle » Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:35 pm

Symptoms of the BIRD FLU...


The Center for Disease Control has released a list of
symptoms of bird flu. If you experience any of the
following, please seek medical treatment immediately:

1. High fever
2. Congestion
3. Nausea
4. Fatigue
5. Aching in the joints
6. An irresistible urge to crap on someone's windshield
Rehab is for quitters
Molson Muscle
CC Veteran
 
Posts: 71
Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2005 4:19 pm
Location: Vancouver B.C.

Postby Molson Muscle » Mon Nov 14, 2005 6:39 pm

A couple has a dog who snores. Annoyed because she can't sleep, the
wife goes to the vet to see if he can help. The vet tells the woman to tie
a ribbon around the dog's testicles and he will stop Snoring
"Yeah right!" she says.
A few minutes after going to bed, the dog begins snoring,as usual.The
wife tosses and turns, unable to sleep. Muttering to herself, she goes to
the closet and grabs a piece of red ribbon and ties it carefully around
the dog's testicles. Sure enough, the dog stops snoring! The woman is
amazed!

Later that night, her husband returns home drunk from being out
drinking with his buddies. He climbs into bed, falls asleep and begins snoring
loudly. The woman thinks maybe the ribbon might work on him. So she
goes to the closet again, grabs a piece of blue ribbon and ties it around her
husband's testicles.
Amazingly, it also works on him! The woman sleeps soundly.

The husband wakes from his drunken stupor and stumbles into the
bathroom. As he stands in front of the toilet, he glances in the Mirror and sees
a blue ribbon attached to his privates. He is very confused and as he
walks back into the bedroom, he sees the Red ribbon attached to his dog's
testicles. He shakes his head and looks at the dog and whispers, "I
don't know where we were, or, what we did, but, by God, we took first and
second place."
Rehab is for quitters
Molson Muscle
CC Veteran
 
Posts: 71
Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2005 4:19 pm
Location: Vancouver B.C.

Postby Molson Muscle » Wed Nov 16, 2005 3:10 pm

A train hits a bus load of Catholic school girls and they all perish.
They are all in heaven trying to enter the pearly gates past St. Peter.
St. Peter asks the first girl, "Jessica, have you ever had any contact
with a penis?" She giggles and shyly replies, "Well I once touched the
head of one with the tip of my finger." St. Peter says, "OK, dip the tip
of your finger in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." St. Peter
asks the next girl the same question,"Jennifer have you ever had any
contact with a penis?" The girl is a little reluctant but replies, "Well
once I fondled and stroked one." St. Peter says, "OK, dip your whole
hand in The Holy Water and pass through the gate." All of a sudden there
is a lot of commotion in the line of girls; one girl is pushing her way
to the front of the line. When she reaches the front of the line St.
Peter says, "Lisa! What seems to be the rush?" The girl replies, "If I'm
going to have to gargle that Holy Water, I want to do it before Tiffany
sticks her ass in it."
Rehab is for quitters
Molson Muscle
CC Veteran
 
Posts: 71
Joined: Wed Aug 03, 2005 4:19 pm
Location: Vancouver B.C.

Postby mattola » Wed Nov 16, 2005 4:09 pm

In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill.
Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and somber.
"I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news," he said as he surveyed the worried faces.
"The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant.
It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope.
Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves."

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news.
After a great length of time, someone asked, "Well, how much does a brain
cost?"
The doctor quickly responded, "$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain."
The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked.

A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,
"Why is the male brain so much more?"
The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, "It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used."
User avatar
mattola
Moderator & MVP
Moderator & MVP
 
Posts: 1855
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 11:44 am

Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Nov 29, 2005 10:28 am

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN BRITISH COLUMBIA
1. Vancouver: 1.5 million people and two bridges.
2. Your $400,000 Vancouver home is just 5 hours from downtown.
3. You can throw a rock and hit three Starbucks locations.
4. There's always some sort of deforestation protest going on.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ALBERTA
1. Big Rock between you and B.C.
2. Ottawa who?
3. Tax is 7 percent instead of approximately 200 percent for the rest of the country.
4. Flames vs. Oilers.
5. Stamps vs. Eskies.
6. You can exploit almost any natural resource you can think of.
7. You live in the only province that could actually afford to be its own country.
8. The Americans below you are all in anti-government militia groups.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN SASKATCHEWAN
1. You never run out of wheat.
2. Cruise control takes on a whole new meaning.
3. Your province is really easy to draw.
4. You never have to worry about car roll-back if you have a standard transmission.
5. It takes you two weeks to walk to your neighbour's house.
6. You can watch the dog run away from home for hours.
7. People will assume you live on a farm.
8. Buying a huge John Deere mower makes sense.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN MANITOBA
1. You wake up one morning to find you suddenly have beachfront property.
2. The only province to ever violently rebel against the federal government.
3. Hundreds of huge, horribly frigid lakes.
4. Nothing compares to a wicked Winnipeg winter.
5. You don't need a car, just take the canoe to work.
6. You can be an Easterner or a Westerner depending on your mood.
7. Because of your license plate, you are still friendly even when you cut someone off.
8. Pass the time watching trucks and barns float by.
TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN ONTARIO

1. You live in the centre of the universe.
2. Your $400,000 Toronto home is actually a dump.
3. You and you alone decide who will win the federal election.
4. There's no such thing as an Ontario Separatist. Separate from what? You are the centre of the universe.
5. The only province with hard-core American-style crime.
6. Much Music's Speaker's Corner - rant and rave on national TV for a dollar.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN QUEBEC
1. Racism is socially acceptable.
2. The only province to ever kidnap federal politicians.
3. You can take bets with your friends on which English neighbour will move out next.
4. Other provinces basically bribe you to stay in Canada.
5. You can blame all your problems on the "Anglo *#!%".

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEW BRUNSWICK

1. One way or another, the government gets 98 per cent of your income.
2. You're poor, but not as poor as the Newfies.
3. When listing the provinces, everyone forgets to mention yours.
4. The economy is based on fish, cows, and ferrying Ontario motorists to Boston.
5. No one ever blames anything on New Brunswick.
6. Everybody has a Grandfather who runs a lighthouse.
7. Just as charming as Maine, but with more unemployed fishermen.
8. You probably live in a small seaside cottage with no television.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NOVA SCOTIA
1. Everyone can play the fiddle. The ones who can't, think they can.
2. You are the "only" reason Anne Murray makes money.
3. You can pretend you have Scottish heritage as an excuse to get drunk and wear a kilt.
4. The economy is based on lobster and fiddle music.
5. Even though it smells like dead sea animals, Halifax is considered Canada's most beautiful city.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN PRINCE EDWARD ISLAND
1. Even though more people live on Vancouver Island, you still got the big, new bridge.
2. You can walk across the province in half an hour.
3. You were probably once an extra on "Road to Avonlea".
4. This is where all those tiny red potatoes come from.
5. The economy is based on fish, potatoes, and CBC TV shows.
6. Tourists arrive, see the "Anne of Green Gables" house, then promptly leave.
7. You can drive across the province in two minutes.
8. It doesn't matter to you if Quebec separates.
9. You don't share a border with the Americans, or with anyone for that matter.
10. You can confuse ships by turning your porch lights on and off at night.

TOP REASONS TO LIVE IN NEWFOUNDLAND
1. If Quebec separates, you will float off to sea.
2. In the rare case when someone moves to the Rock, you can make them kiss dead cod.
3. The economy is based on fish, seafood, and fish-related products.
4. If you do something stupid, you have a built-in excuse.
5. You and only you understand the meaning of Great Big Sea's lyrics.
6. The workday is about two hours long.
7. You are credited with many great inventions, like the solar-powered flashlight and the screen door for submarines.
8. It is socially acceptable to wear your hip waders to your wedding.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
User avatar
Madcombinepilot
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 1932
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
Location: Saskatoon, Sk.

Postby magnum44 » Thu Dec 08, 2005 7:58 am

What did George Bush get on his S.A.T's?












Drool
User avatar
magnum44
CC Veteran
 
Posts: 134
Joined: Mon Aug 08, 2005 4:20 pm
Location: saskatchewan

Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Jan 13, 2006 8:28 am

A lady walks into a Jaguar dealership and browses around.

Suddenly she spots the most perfect, beautiful car and walks over to inspect it. As she bends forward to feel the fine leather upholstery, an unexpected little fart escapes her. Very embarrassed, she anxiously looks around to see if anyone has noticed and hopes a sales person doesn't pop up right now. As she turns back, there standing next to her is a salesman.

With a pleasant smile he greets her,"Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?"

Trying to maintain an air of sophistication and acting as though nothing had happened, she smiles back and asks, "Sir, what is the price of this lovely vehicle?"

Still smiling pleasantly, he replies, "Madam, I'm very sorry to say that if you farted just touching it, you're going to positively shit yourself when you hear the price."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
User avatar
Madcombinepilot
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 1932
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
Location: Saskatoon, Sk.

Postby mattola » Wed Jan 25, 2006 5:02 pm

Lipstick at School

According to a news report, a certain private school in Washington DC recently was faced with a unique problem.

A number of 12-year-old girls were beginning to use lipstick and would put it on in the bathroom. That was fine, but after they put on their lipstick they would press their lips to the mirror leaving dozens of little lip prints.

Every night the lonely maintenance man would remove them and the next day, the girls would put them back. Finally the principal decided that something had to be done.

She called all the girls to the bathroom and met them there with the maintenance man. She explained that all these lip prints were causing a major problem for this custodian who had to clean the mirrors every night.

To demonstrate how difficult it had been to clean the mirrors, she asked the maintenance man to show the girls how much effort was required. He took out a long-handled squeegee, dipped it in the toilet, and cleaned the mirror with it.

Since then, there have been no lip prints on the mirror.

There are teachers, and then there are educators.
User avatar
mattola
Moderator & MVP
Moderator & MVP
 
Posts: 1855
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 11:44 am

Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Feb 02, 2006 4:19 pm

Batman and Robin are camping in the desert, set up their tent and are asleep. Some hours later, Batman wakes his faithful friend. "Robin, look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
Robin replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?" asks Batman.
Robin ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Chronologically, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and
insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you, Batman?"
Batman is silent for a moment, then speaks: "Robin, you f***ing idiot, someone has stolen our tent."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
User avatar
Madcombinepilot
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 1932
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
Location: Saskatoon, Sk.

Postby Madcombinepilot » Sun Feb 12, 2006 9:38 am

A Scotsman walks into his bedroom late one night with a sheep tucked up under his arm. His wife, who is already in bed, looks up speechless at him.
"Ah Lassie," Says the Scotsman, " ere is a pig I tole ya I bin sleepin with"
The wife, just regaining composer replies "but honey, thats a sheep, not a pig!"
The Scot Replies: "I wasna talkin to ya!"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
User avatar
Madcombinepilot
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 1932
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
Location: Saskatoon, Sk.

Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Mar 02, 2006 9:34 pm

Ole went hunting one day in northern Wisconsin and bagged three ducks. He put them in the bed of his pickup truck and was about to drive home when he was confronted by an ornery game warden who didn't like Norskis.

The game warden ordered the Norski to show his hunting license, and Ole pulled out a valid Wisconsin hunting license.

The game warden looked at the license, then reached over and picked up
one of the ducks, sniffed its butt, and said, "This duck ain't from Wisconsin. This is a Minnesota duck. You got a Minnesota huntin' license, boy?"

Ole reached into his wallet and produced a Minnesota hunting license.

The game warden looked at it, then reached over and grabbed the second duck, sniffed its butt, and said, "This ain't no Minnesota duck. This duck's from Iowa You got an Iowa license?"

Again Ole reached into his wallet and produced an Iowa hunting license.

The warden then reached over and picked up the third duck, sniffed its butt and said, This ain't no Iowa duck. This here duck's from Michigan. You got a Michigan huntin’ license?"



Once again Ole reached into his wallet and brought out a Michigan hunting license.

The game warden was extremely frustrated at this point, and he yelled at the Norski, "Boy, just where the hell are you from?"

With that Ole turned around, dropped his pants, bent over, and said,"Vell you tell me. You're da expert by golly."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
User avatar
Madcombinepilot
MVP
MVP
 
Posts: 1932
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
Location: Saskatoon, Sk.

Postby puckhead » Thu Mar 09, 2006 1:48 pm

sensitivity alert - this one might be a little dirty.
-------------------------------------------------------

Sheila, the Aussie housewife got out of the shower and slipped over
on the bathroom floor.
Instead of slipping over forwards or backwards, she slipped, did
the splits and suctioned herself to the floor.
She yelled out for her husband Bruce. "Bruce, Bruce" she yelled.
Bruce came running in.
"Bruce, I've bloody suctioned myself to the floor" she said.
"Struth" Bruce said and tried to pull her up. "You're stuck fast girl.
I'll go across the road and get Cobba" (his mate).
They came back and they both tried to pull her up.
"No way. We can't do it, let's try Plan B."
Cobba said Plan B?" exclaimed Bruce. "What's that"?
"I'll go home and get my hammer and chisel and we can break the tiles under
her and release the vacuum." replied Cobba
"Spot on" Bruce said. "While you're doing that, I'll stay here and play with her tits."
"Play with her tits"? Cobba said, " Not exactly a good time for that mate?"
"No" Bruce replied, "But I reckon if I can get her wet enough, we can slide
her into the kitchen where the tiles aren't so expensive".
----------------------------
We got LUONGO!!!!!!!!!!
User avatar
puckhead
CC 2nd Team All-Star
 
Posts: 298
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 8:50 am
Location: Vancouver

Postby Cornuck » Thu Mar 09, 2006 1:59 pm

magnum44 wrote:What did George Bush get on his S.A.T's?

Drool


LOL - best joke I've heard in a while...
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
User avatar
Cornuck
Moderator & MVP
Moderator & MVP
 
Posts: 4808
Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 11:39 am
Location: Chester, NE

PreviousNext

Return to Creeper's Bar & Grill

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 1 guest