Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Re: Joke Central

Postby ukcanuck » Sun Mar 10, 2013 7:59 am

CFP! wrote:Haven't been laid in a month by my lovely wife of two kids.

Haven't cooked a meal in as long/maybe a bit longer?

Fucking joke.



I was just cleaning my garage and the automatic door went up/down 6 times..


Not sure the original was good advice UK..[mod edited]
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Re: Joke Central

Postby ukcanuck » Tue Mar 12, 2013 2:07 pm

Irish sunglasses...
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Rumsfeld » Thu Mar 14, 2013 11:43 am

CFP! wrote:Haven't been laid in a month by my lovely wife of two kids.

Haven't cooked a meal in as long/maybe a bit longer?

Fucking joke.


Your wife is married to two kids? I know you live on or around a Nanaimo Indian reserve, but even there that's pretty fucked up, CFP!

It is funny though.

Maybe even too funny...

Mods, please escort the 5'3 wagon-burner back to the hockey forum, where he can make ridiculous trade proposals in peace.

Here's one for ya on the way out though, chuckles: Higgins, Weise and a 4th for Jordan Staal.

Just sayin'...

:lol:
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Re: Joke Central

Postby ukcanuck » Thu Mar 14, 2013 12:06 pm

You're right it was terrible advice, garage door is much harder to prove :) :)


CFP:

Step away from the garage door opener...

If you want real advice, spend some money on a baby sitter and dinner, a good bottle of wine, some roses and leave the frustration in your moldy unholy old shorts...

And a shower, don't forget the shower...
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Re: Joke Central

Postby CFP! » Thu Mar 14, 2013 2:43 pm

Rumsfeld wrote:
CFP! wrote:Haven't been laid in a month by my lovely wife of two kids.

Haven't cooked a meal in as long/maybe a bit longer?

Fucking joke.


Your wife is married to two kids? I know you live on or around a Nanaimo Indian reserve, but even there that's pretty fucked up, CFP!

It is funny though.

Maybe even too funny...

Mods, please escort the 5'3 wagon-burner back to the hockey forum, where he can make ridiculous trade proposals in peace.

Here's one for ya on the way out though, chuckles: Higgins, Weise and a 4th for Jordan Staal.

Just sayin'...

:lol:


Ha, you guys are the cats meow. Streak ended today, I'll keep ya posted. BTW, I'm sure there are plenty of guys on this board who have gone much longer than that w/o from their wife. Guess thats why divorce is so high round these parts. Oh, and if it really matters I havent lived in the 'Mo since 2006-ish. The old CC days.

As for the trade proposal, Sutter would look great here...and they may be in a position to loose him when they resign Malkin/Knutiz/Letang. Maybe not what they are looking for.....my proposal but you get the idea.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Wed Mar 20, 2013 10:19 pm

A refuse collector in Cairns Australia is driving along a street picking up the wheelie bins and emptying them into his compactor.

He goes to one house where the bin hasn't been left out, and in the spirit of kindness, and after having a quick look about for the bin, he gets out of his truck goes to the Front door and knocks. There's no answer. Being a kindly and conscientious bloke, he knocks again - much harder.

Eventually a Chinese man comes to the door. "Harro!" says the Chinese man.

"Gidday, mate! Where's ya bin?" asks the collector.

"I bin on toiret," explains the Chinese bloke, a bit perplexed.

Realising the fellow had misunderstood him, the bin man smiles and tries again. "No ! No ! Mate, Where's your dust bin?"

"I dust been to toiret, I toll you!'' says the Chinese man, still perplexed.

"Listen," says the collector. "You're misunderstanding me. Where's your 'wheelie' bin?'"

"OK, OK." replies the Chinese man with a sheepish grin and whispers in the collector's ear. "I wheelie bin having sex wiffa wife's sista!"
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

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Re: Joke Central

Postby Blob Mckenzie » Thu Mar 21, 2013 6:34 am

Rumsfeld wrote:Your wife is married to two kids? I know you live on or around a Nanaimo Indian reserve, but even there that's pretty fucked up, CFP!


Mods, please escort the 5'3 wagon-burner back to the hockey forum, where he can make ridiculous trade proposals in peace.


I thought he was in Victoria. I remember Creeper riding him for wanting to know where he could play poker in Vic.
Tell me how my ass tastes.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Fri Mar 22, 2013 11:36 am

Lesson In Irony
*****************
The Food Bank Program, administered by Social Welfare Canada is actually proud of the fact that "It is distributing the greatest amount of free meals and food vouchers ever!"

Meanwhile, the National Park Service, administered by the Canada Parks and Natural Resources, asks us to "Please Do Not Feed the Animals." Their stated reason for the policy is because the animals will grow dependent on handouts and will not learn to take care of themselves.

This ends today's lesson
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Cookie La Rue » Sat Mar 23, 2013 6:11 am

Animals are responsible for themselves..... not like humans. :mrgreen:
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Arachnid » Sat Mar 23, 2013 11:51 am

Cookie La Rue wrote:Animals are responsible for themselves..... not like humans. :mrgreen:


I agree with TopTop, stop feeding those that cannot help themselves...mind you, it falls in the face of ''teach a man to fish...'.
We will have to actually teach people, for free, how to feed themselves...like in nature :D
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Cornuck » Wed Apr 03, 2013 10:22 am

Woman Stops Grizzly Attack With .25 Cal Pistol

This is a story of self control and marksmanship by a brave, cool-headed woman with a small pistol against a fierce predator.
What is the smallest caliber you trust to protect yourself?
The Beretta Jetfire:

Here is her story:

"While out hiking in Alberta Canada with my boyfriend we were surprised by a huge grizzly bear charging at us from out of no where.

She must have been protecting her cubs because she was extremely aggressive.

If I had not had my little Beretta Jetfire with me I would not be here today!

Just one shot to my boyfriend's knee cap was all it took. The bear got him easily, and I was able to escape by just walking away at a brisk pace.

It's one of the best pistols in my collection……..."
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Wed Apr 03, 2013 10:29 am

I and a couple of others on a crew carried .44Mags in the bush. A guy showed up with .357 and we gave him the gears about the wimpy gun he carried and how it didn't have the stopping power for a bear. He said he had no intention of shooting a bear, he was shooting his assistant.

Next morning as they headed out of camp, the assistant had one of the camp 303 Lee Enfields slung over his shoulder.
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby paddy » Mon May 13, 2013 5:04 pm

Why did the surfer lose his balance???





cause a shark bit off one of his legs...
whether you like it or don't like it learn to live with it because its the best thing going today...
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Re: Joke Central

Postby dangler » Sun May 19, 2013 8:02 am

A sad story in today's news:

Vancouver, Canada (AP) -A seven year old boy was at the centre of a Vancouver courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that family unity be maintained to the degree possible. The boy surprised the court when he proclaimed that his aunt beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him. After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the Vancouver Canucks, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Mon May 20, 2013 9:32 am

Angelina Jolie said, "I lost my mum to cancer, my kids won't."

That's because 'your' kids lost their mums to you.

--------------------------------------------------------------

A Newfie is visiting Texas and starts a conversation with a Texan at a local bar.
The Texan asks The Newfie where he's from and The Newfie says,
"You know where New York is?"
The Texan says, "Yeh, yeh, I know where that is"
The Newfie says, " Well boy, you just drive north of there aboot 6 hours,
turn right for 3 hours and catch a 6 hour ferry and you're there in Newfoundland."
The Texan says "That's got to be close to China!"
The Newfie thinks aboot this and then says,
"By gosh, I think you might be right.
I work with a Chinese guy and he goes home for lunch every day!"
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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