Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Cookie La Rue » Sat Sep 10, 2005 3:53 am

:lol: heard this joke a few days ago, even jokes becoming globalized.... :mrgreen:
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013
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Postby Mozy » Tue Sep 13, 2005 10:23 pm

Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Jovorock » Wed Sep 14, 2005 11:41 am

Hillbilly Mirror
> > > >> >After living in the remote wilderness of Kentucky
> > > >> >all his life, an old hillbilly decided it was time to visit the
big
> > > >> >city.
> > > >> >In one of the stores he picks up a mirror and looks in it.
> > > >> >Not knowing what it was, he remarked,"How about that!
> > > >> >Here's a picture of my daddy."
> > > >> >He bought the 'picture', but on the way home he
> > > >> >remembered his wife,Lizzy,didn't like his father. So he
> > > >> >hung it in the barn, and every morning before leaving
> > > >> >for the fields, he would go there and look at it.
> > > >> >Lizzy began to get suspicious of these many trips
> > > >> >to the barn.
> > > >> >One day after her husband left, she searched the barn
> > > >> >and found the mirror.
> > > >> >As she looked into the glass, she fumed, "So that's
> > > >> >the ugly bitch he's running' around with."
Keep your friends and your enemies very close
You never know when you might have to stab one
of them in the back!
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Postby Jovorock » Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:34 am

The World's Shortest Fairy Tale



Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl, "Will you marry me?".



The girl said, "No!".



And the guy lived happily ever after. And went fishing, hunting, played golf a lot, and drank beer and farted whenever he wanted.



THE END
Keep your friends and your enemies very close
You never know when you might have to stab one
of them in the back!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Sep 28, 2005 7:44 am

Loyalty in Marriage


A woman's husband had been slipping in and out of a coma for several months, yet she had stayed by his bedside every single day.



One day, he motioned for her to come nearer. As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, "You know what? You have been with me all through the bad times. When I got fired, you were there to support me. When my business failed, you were there. When I got shot, you were by my side. When we lost the house, you stayed right here. When my health started failing, you were still by my side......... You know what?"



"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.



"I think you're bad luck, get the hell away from me."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Mozy » Wed Oct 05, 2005 8:42 am

Donald Rumsfeld was giving President George W. Bush his daily briefing. He concluded by saying, "Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh my God!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!!! That's horrible!!" His staff was stunned at this outburst of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat for a few minutes with his head buried in hands.
Finally, the president looked up, his face forlorn and grief-stricken, and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Fri Oct 07, 2005 11:52 am

While visiting India , George Bush is invited to tea with Abdul Kalam.

He asks Kalam what his leadership philosophy is. He says that, it is to
surround himself with intelligent people.
Bush asks how he knows if they're intelligent.
"I do so by asking them the right questions," says the Kalam.
"Allow me to demonstrate."
Bush watches as Kalam phones Manmohan Singh and says, "Mr. Prime
Minister,please answer this question: your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or sister. Who is it?"
Manmohan immediately responds, "It's me, Sir !"
"Correct. Thank you and good-bye, sir," says the Kalam. He hangs up
and
says, "Did you get that, Mr. Bush?" Bush nods: "Yes Mr.
President.
Thanks a lot. I'll definitely be using that!" Bush, upon returning to Washington,
decides he'd better put the Condoleeza Rice to the test. Bush summons
her to the White House and says, "Condoleeza, I wonder if you can answer a
question for me."
"Why, of course, sir. What's on your mind?"
Bush poses the question: "Uhh, your mother has a child, and your father
has a child, and this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Rice was puzzled and finally asks, "Can I think about it and get back
to you?" Bush agrees, and Rice leaves. Rice immediately calls a meeting of
senior senators, and they puzzle over the question for several hours,
but nobody can come up with an answer. Finally, in desperation, Rice calls
Colin Powell and explains the problem.
"Mr. Powell, your mother has a child, and your father has a child,
and
this child is not your brother or your sister. Who is it?"
Powell answers immediately, "It's me, of course."
Much relieved, Rice rushes back to the White House, finds George Bush,
and exclaims, "I know the answer, sir! I know wh o it is! It's our Colin
Powell!"
And Bush replies in disgust, "Wrong, its Manmohan Singh!" .
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby MinnesotaCanuck » Fri Oct 07, 2005 12:24 pm

feritflame wrote:Donald Rumsfeld was giving President George W. Bush his daily briefing. He concluded by saying, "Mr. President, yesterday three Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh my God!" the president exclaimed. "That's terrible!!! That's horrible!!" His staff was stunned at this outburst of emotion, nervously watching as the president sat for a few minutes with his head buried in hands.
Finally, the president looked up, his face forlorn and grief-stricken, and asked, "Exactly how many is a brazillion?"


This is the funniest joke I have heard in MONTHS. Thanks for the laugh.
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Postby Dave » Fri Oct 07, 2005 9:36 pm

Loved it[img][/img]
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Oct 12, 2005 2:58 pm

Mike gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen making breakfast. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, Mike walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Oct 13, 2005 9:28 am

Little Billy and Jenny are only 10 years old, but they just know that they are in love. One day they decide that they want to get married, so Billy goes to Jenny's father to ask him for her hand. Billy bravely walks up to him and says "Mr. Smith, me and Jenny are in love and I want to ask you for her hand in marriage."


Thinking that this was just the cutest thing that he had ever heard, Mr. Smith replies, "Well Billy, you are only 10. Where will you two live?" Without even taking a moment to think about it, Billy replies "In Jenny's room. It's bigger than mine and we can both fit there nicely."



Still thinking this is just adorable, Mr. Smith says with a huge grin, "Okay then how will you live? You're not old enough to get a job." You'll need to support Jenny."Again, Billy instantly replies, "Our allowance. Jenny makes 5 bucks a week and I make 10 bucks a week. That's about 60 bucks a month and that should do us just fine."



By this time Mr. Smith is a little shocked that Billy has put so much thought into this. He thinks for a moment trying to come up with something that Billy won't have an answer to. After a second, Mr. Smith says, "Well Billy, it seems like you have got everything all figured out. I just have one more question for you. What will you do if the two of you should have little ones of your own?" Billy just shrugs his shoulders and says "Well, we've been lucky so far..."



Mr. Smith doesn't think the little twerp is adorable anymore.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby levelheaded » Thu Oct 13, 2005 5:40 pm

Madcombinepilot wrote:Mike gets up one morning to find his wife in the kitchen making breakfast. He looks to see what she's cooking, and sees one of his socks in frying pan.
"What are you doing?" he asks.
"I'm doing what you asked me to do last night when you came to bed very drunk," she replied.

Completely puzzled, Mike walks away thinking to himself, "I don't remember asking her to cook my sock..."


:D That one is awesome. I have heard it before, but it still ranks in my top 10 jokes of all time.
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Postby Mozy » Sun Oct 16, 2005 1:43 pm

A couple were invited to a swanky family masked fancy dress Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, woke without pain and as it was still early, decided to go to the party. As her husband didn't know what her costume was, she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him.

So she joined the party and soon spotted her husband in his costume, cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice "chick" he could and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband.

After more drinks he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had passionate intercourse in the back seat. Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behaviour.

She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had. "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there." Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"

He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening." "You must have looked really silly wearing that costume playing poker all night!" she said with unashamed sarcasm. To which the husband replied, "Actually, I gave my costume to your Dad, apparently he had the time of his life."
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Sun Oct 16, 2005 1:49 pm

The 7 Dwarves are standing outside a convent. Then Happy goes and knocks on the door. A nun answers and says "Can I help you, my child?" Happy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this convent?" The nun is puzzled, and says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this convent." Happy thinks for a minute, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this city?" The nun says "No, there are no 3 foot nuns in this city." So Happy leaves and forms a huddle with the rest of the dwarves. Then a few minutes later, Doc leaves the huddle and goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers and says "What now?" Doc says, "Ok, are there any 3 foot nuns in this state?" The nun says "No! There are no 3 foot nuns!" Doc thinks, then says "Are there any 3 foot nuns in this country?" The nun is starting to get mad, and says "NO! THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!" So Doc leaves and returns to the huddle. A few minutes later, Sleepy goes and knocks on the door. The same nun answers. Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns on this continent?" The nun says "NO!! HOW MANY TIMES DO I HAVE TO TELL YOU??? THERE ARE NO 3 FOOT NUNS!!" Sleepy says "Are there any 3 foot nuns anywhere in the world?" The nun says "NO!!" and slams the door in this face. Sleepy returns to the huddle, then a few minutes later, all the dwarves start running around laughing and chanting "DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN! DOPEY SCREWED A PENGUIN!"
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Molson Muscle » Sat Oct 29, 2005 5:33 pm

NOT OUR LULU?????



Lulu was a prostitute - One day there was a raid. All the prostitutes were
lined up outside the police station as they took them in one by one.

As Lulu stood in line, she saw her Grandma coming down the street and was
so ashamed; Grandma didn't know her occupation.

Grandma stopped to say hi, and asked what the line was for. Lulu, saving
face, said that the police were giving away fresh oranges to those
waiting. Grandma said wonderful, she loved oranges
and got at the end of the line.

When the policeman got to the end and saw her, he was amazed. He said "How
the heck do you do this at your age?" She said "I just take out my teeth,
rip the skin back and suck'em dry!" The policeman fainted.
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