Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Jul 19, 2005 12:26 pm

A couple had been debating buying a new vehicle for
weeks. He wanted a truck. She wanted a fast little
sports car so she could zip through traffic around
town, but everything she wanted was way out of their
price range. "Look!" she said. "I want something that
goes from 0 to 200 in just a few seconds. Nothing else
will do. My birthday is coming up so surprise me!" He
did just that. For her birthday, he bought her a brand
new bathroom scale. Nobody has seen or heard from him
since.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Cornuck » Tue Jul 19, 2005 4:56 pm

A blonde, wanting to earn some money, decided to hire herself out as a handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood. She went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if he had any jobs for her to do.

"Well, you can paint my porch. How much will you charge?"
The blonde said, "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told her that the paint and ladders that she might need were in the garage. The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to her husband, "Does she realize that the porch goes all the way around the house?"
The man replied, "She should. She was standing on the porch."

A short time later, the blonde came to the door to collect her money.
"You're finished already?" he asked. "Yes," the blonde answered, "and I had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the way," the blonde added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Jul 21, 2005 11:06 am

Two cheerleading teams, one of all Blondes and one of all Brunettes chartered a double-decker bus for a weekend cheerleading competition.

The Brunette team rode on the bottom of the bus, and the Blonde team Rode on the top level. The Brunette team down below really whooped it up, having a great time, when one of them realised she hasn't heard anything from the Blondes upstairs. She decided to go up and investigate. When the Brunette reached the top, she found all the Blondes frozen in fear, staring straight ahead at the road, clutching the seats in front of them with white knuckles.

The brunette asked, "What the heck's going on up here? We're having a great time downstairs!"
One of the Blondes looks up at her, swallows hard and whispered, "But you've got a driver"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby mattola » Thu Jul 21, 2005 3:11 pm

What did one Hockey Player say to another Hockey Player


"We aint accepting a Cap"!!



BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAH

:roll:
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Postby Jovorock » Fri Jul 22, 2005 7:40 am

NEWFIE
> >>>
> >>> A Newfie,
> >>> a little man,
> >>> was sitting at a bar
> >>> in Toronto
> >>> when this huge, burly
> >>> American guy walks in.
> >>>
> >>> As he passes the Newfie,
> >>> he hits him on the neck
> >>> knocking him to the floor.
> >>> The big, burly Yank says,
> >>> "That's a karate chop
> >>> from Korea."
> >>>
> >>> Well,
> >>> the Newfie
> >>> gets back on his barstool
> >>> and resumes drinking his beer.
> >>>
> >>> The burly American
> >>> then gets up
> >>> to go to the bathroom
> >>> and,
> >>> as he walks by the Newfie,
> >>> he hits him
> >>> on the other side of the neck
> >>> and
> >>> knocks him to the floor.
> >>> "That's a judo chop
> >>> from Japan",
> >>> he says.
> >>>
> >>> The Newfie
> >>> decides he's had enough
> >>> and leaves.
> >>> A half hour later he comes back
> >>> and sees the burly
> >>> American bastard
> >>> sitting at the bar.
> >>> He walks up behind him
> >>> and
> >>> smacks him on the head,
> >>> knocking him out.
> >>> The Newfie says to the bartender, "When he wakes up, eh,
> >>> tell him that was
> >>> a f*ckin' crowbar
> >>> from
> >>> Canadian Tire."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Jul 26, 2005 4:12 pm

This one a little on the racey side, but still kinda funny...

A plane leaves Los Angeles airport under the control of a Jewish captain.
His co-pilot is Chinese. It's the first time they've flown together and an
awkward silence between the two seems to indicate a mutual dislike.

Once they reach cruising altitude, the Jewish captain activates the auto
pilot, leans back in his seat, and mutters, "I don't like Chinese."

"No rike Chinese?" asks the co-pilot, "why not?"

"You people bombed Pearl Harbour, that's why!"

"No, no," the co-pilot protests, "Chinese not bomb Peahl Hahbah! That
Japanese, not Chinese."

"Japanese, Chinese, Vietnamese... doesn't matter, you're all alike!"

There's a few minutes of silence. "No rike Jews!" the co-pilot suddenly
announces.

"Why not?" asks the captain.

"Jews sink Titanic," the co-pilot responds.

"Jews didn't sink the Titanic!" exclaims the captain, "It was an iceberg!"

"Iceberg, Goldberg, Greenberg, Rosenberg, no mattah... alla same!"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Aug 12, 2005 9:16 am

Just in case you ever get these two environments mixed up, here's a
handy reference:


IN PRISON: You spend the majority of your time in a 10x10 cell.
AT WORK: You spend the majority of your time in 8x8 cubicle.

IN PRISON: You get 3 meals a day.
AT WORK: You get 1 break a day and have to pay for it.

IN PRISON: You get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK: You get more work for good behavior.

IN PRISON: The guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK: You must often carry a security card and open all the doors
yourself.

IN PRISON: You can watch tv and play games.
AT WORK: YOU GET SACKED FOR THE ABOVE.

IN PRISON: You get your own toilet.
AT WORK: You share a toilet with people who pee on the seat.

IN PRISON: They allow your friends and family to visit.
AT WORK: You aren't even supposed to speak to your family.

IN PRISON: All expenses are paid by the taxpayer with no work required.
AT WORK: You get to pay all your expenses to work and they deduct taxes
from your salary to pay for prisoners.

IN PRISON: You spend most of your time behind bars wanting to get out.
AT WORK: You spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside
bars.

IN PRISON: You deal with sadistic wardens.
AT WORK: They are called managers.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Mozy » Fri Aug 19, 2005 9:38 pm

got a good kick out of this

Image
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Sun Aug 21, 2005 9:13 pm

Freak accident
A circus dwarf, nicknamed Od, died recently in the North when he bounced sideways from a trampoline and was swallowed by a yawning hippopotamus which was waiting to appear in the next act. Vets on the scene said Hilda the Hippo had a gag reflex which automatically caused her to swallow. They added in mitigation that the hefty creature was a vegetarian who had not previously digested a circus performer. Unfortunately, the 1000 plus spectators continued to applaud wildly until common sense dictated there had been a tragic mistake. Police said the trampoline has been sent for forensic analysis.

if you dont beleive me

http://www.pattayamail.com/309/columns.htm#hd7
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Mon Aug 22, 2005 10:03 pm

Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Mon Aug 22, 2005 10:48 pm

http://forum.canucks.com/viewtopic.php?t=96009

Canucks.com wrote:This is about hte only guy I could see giving Cookie up for. It is pretty obvious we won't be able to afford him, so lets flip him for someone decent at least.

Would it be cool to have two Canadian Olympic defensemen on our roster? And up to two forwards as well.

You know, they should just use the Canucks as the Canadian Olympic team.


http://forum.canucks.com/viewtopic.php? ... c&start=15
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Aug 26, 2005 11:53 am

SUBJECT: DEQ File No.97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County

Dear Mr. DeVries:

It has come to the attention of the Department of Environmental Quality that there has been recent unauthorized activity on the above referenced parcel of property. You have been certified as the legal landowner and/or contractor who did the following unauthorized activity:

Construction and maintenance of two wood debris dams
across the outlet stream of Spring Pond.

A permit must be issued prior to the start of this type of activity. A review of the Department's files shows that no permits have been issued. Therefore, the Department has determined that this activity is in violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

The Department has been informed that one or both of the dams partially failed during a recent rain event, causing debris and flooding at downstream locations.
We find that dams of this nature are inherently hazardous and cannot be permitted. The Department therefore orders you to cease and desist all activities at this location, and to restore the stream to a free-flow condition by removing all wood and brush forming the dams from the stream channel. All restoration work shall be completed no later than January 31, 2006.

Please notify this office when the restoration has been completed so that a follow-up site inspection may be scheduled by our staff. Failure to comply with this request or any further unauthorized activity on the site may result in this case being referred for elevated enforcement action.

We anticipate and would appreciate your full cooperation in this matter.

Please feel free to contact me at this office if you have any questions.

Sincerely,
David L. Price
District Representative and Water Management Division






Re: DEQ File No. 97-59-0023; T11N; R10W, Sec. 20; Montcalm County.

Dear Mr. Price,

Your certified letter dated 07/19/2005 has been handed to me to respond to. I am the legal landowner but not the Contractor at 2088 Dagget, Pierson, Michigan.

A couple of beavers are in the (State unauthorized) process of constructing and maintaining two wood "debris" dams across the outlet stream of my Spring Pond. While I did not pay for, authorize, nor supervise their dam project, I think they would be highly offended that you call their skillful use of natures building materials "debris." I would like to challenge your department to attempt to emulate their dam project any time and/or any place you choose. I believe I can safely state there is no way you could ever match their dam skills, their dam resourcefulness, their dam ingenuity, their dam persistence, their dam determination and/or their dam work ethic.

As to your request, I do not think the beavers are aware that they must first fill out a dam permit prior to the start of this type of dam activity.

My first dam question to you is:
(1) Are you trying to discriminate against my Spring Pond Beavers, or
(2) do you require all beavers throughout this State to conform to said dam request?
If you are not discriminating against these particular beavers, through the Freedom of Information Act, I request completed copies of all those other applicable beaver dam permits that have been issued. Perhaps we will see if there really is a dam violation of Part 301, Inland Lakes and Streams, of the Natural Resource and Environmental Protection Act, Act 451 of the Public Acts of 1994, being sections 324.30101 to 324.30113 of the Michigan Compiled Laws, annotated.

I have several concerns. My first concern is; aren't the beavers entitled to legal representation? The Spring Pond Beavers are financially destitute and are unable to pay for said representation -- so the State will have to provide them with a dam lawyer. The Department's dam concern that either one or both of the dams failed during a recent rain event, causing flooding, is proof that this is a natural occurrence, which the Department is required to protect. In other words, we should leave the Spring Pond Beavers alone rather than harassing them and calling their dam names.

If you want the stream "restored" to a dam free-flow condition please contact the beavers -- but if you are going to arrest them , they obviously did not pay any attention to your dam letter, they being unable to read English.

In my humble opinion, the Spring Pond Beavers have a right to build their unauthorized dams as long as the sky is blue, the grass is green and water flows downstream. They have more dam rights than I do to live and enjoy Spring Pond. If the Department of Natural Resources and Environmental Protection lives up to its name, it should protect the natural resources (Beavers) and the environment (Beavers' Dams).

So, as far as the beavers and I are concerned, this dam case can be referred for more elevated enforcement action right now. Why wait until 1/31/2006? The Spring Pond Beavers may be under the dam ice then and there will be no way for you or your dam staff to contact/harass them then.

In conclusion, I would like to bring to your attention to a real environmental quality (health) problem in the area. It is the bears! Bears are actually defecating in our woods. I definitely believe you should be persecuting the defecating bears and leave the beavers alone.
If you are going to investigate the beaver dam, watch your step! (The bears are not careful where they dump!! )
Being unable to comply with your dam request, and being unable to contact you on your dam answering machine, I am sending this response to your dam office.

THANK YOU.
RYAN DEVRIES & THE DAM BEAVERS
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Sep 06, 2005 11:59 am

A guy took his blonde girlfriend to her first football game. They had great seats right behind their team's bench. After the game, he asked her how she liked the experience.
"Oh, I really liked it," she replied, "especially the tight pants and all the big muscles, but I just couldn't understand why they were killing each other over 25 cents."
Dumbfounded, her date asked, "What do you mean?"
"Well, they flipped a coin, one team got it and then for the rest of the game, all they kept screaming was:
'Get the quarterback! Get the quarterback!' I'm like...Helloooooo? It's only 25 cents
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Sep 08, 2005 10:15 am

Once upon a time, a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?"





The girl said "No."





And the guy lived happily ever after and drank, went hunting and fishing and played golf as much as he wanted.





THE END
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Sep 09, 2005 9:05 am

A guy is in line at the supermarket when he notices that a rather dishy blonde behind him has just raised her hand and smiled hello to him.

He is rather taken aback that such a looker would be waving to him, and although familiar he can't place where he might know her from, so he says "Sorry, do you know me?"

She replies, "I may be mistaken, but I thought you might be the father of one of my children."

His mind shoots back to the one and only time he has been unfaithful.

"Holy crap," he says, "Are you that stripper from my bachelor party that I screwed on the pool table in front of all my friends while your girlfriend whipped me with some wet celery and stuck a cucumber up my ass?"

"No," she replies, "I'm your son's English teacher."
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