Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Nov 09, 2004 11:52 am

Grandpa's Advice
Hope that this will once again confirm that the most important information in your life won't come from a teacher, the library or the internet, but from a mentor, and on a very personal level.

My long-passed grandfather's birthday is coming up, and for me it is a time to reminisce. The long walks we used to take. The long drives, the special trips he would make to pick me up so I could spend weekends with him, and the advice he used to give!

Much was wasted because I was young when he died. If he were alive today and sharing his pearls of wisdom, I'd be a better man. Those gems were well and good, but the one I remember most, the jewel in the crown of grandfatherly advice, came when I was only 12 .

We were sitting in a park, watching children and their mothers enjoying a beautiful spring day. He told me that one day, I'd find a woman and start my own family. "And son," he said, "be sure you marry a woman with small hands."

"How come, Grandpa?" I asked.

"It makes your pecker look bigger."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Momesso » Wed Nov 10, 2004 12:46 am

Corporate lesson_1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next door neighbour. Before she says a word, Bob says,"I'll give you 800 dollars to drop that towel that you have on."

After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob.

After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the shower "Who was that?"

"It was Bob the next door neighbour," she replies.

"Great," the husband says, "did he say anything about the 800 dollars he owes me?"

Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk in time with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable Exposure!


Corporate lesson 2

A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road, he stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthfully slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember psalm 129?"

The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. However, he was unable to remove his eyes from her leg.

Further on while changing gear, he let his hand slide up her leg again. The nun once again Said, "Father, remember psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized."Sorry sister but the flesh is weak."

Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a bible and looked up psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory."


MORAL OF THE STORY:

Always be well informed in your job, or you might
miss a great opportunity!


Corporate Lesson 3

Usually the executives and staff of the company play football.

The middle level managers are more interested in Tennis.

The top management usually has a preference for Golf.

Finding: As you go up the corporate ladder, the balls
reduce in size.
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Postby Momesso » Wed Nov 10, 2004 1:05 am

The Compassionate Lawyer

One afternoon, a wealthy lawyer was riding in the back of his limousine when he saw two men eating grass by the road side. He ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. "Why are you eating grass?" he asked one man. "We don't have any money for food," the poor man replied. "Oh, come along with me then," instructed the lawyer. "But, sir, I have a wife and two children!" "Bring them along!" replied the lawyer.

He turned to the other man and said, "Come with us." "But sir, I have a wife and six children!" the second man answered. "Bring them as well!" answered the lawyer as he headed for his limo. They all climbed into the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limo.

Once underway, one of the poor fellows says, "Sir, you
are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you."
The lawyer replied, "No problem, the grass at my home
is almost a foot tall."
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Postby tey » Wed Nov 10, 2004 9:56 am

THE FLU SHOT

In recent negotiations for influenza vaccine between a Canadian health
official and an American representative, it was clear that there was a
disconnect between the American government's sudden reliance on Canada for
influenza vaccine despite the fact that the U.S. wants to discourage
Americans from buying routine prescription drugs from Canadian pharmacies.

Not seeing the irony in the request, the American continued to press for the
vaccine and then demanded to know why the United States would be charged for
the vaccine when Canadians get theirs "for free."

The Canadian official replied, "Oh it's not free, the government pays for
it."

"Well then," the American replied, "How much will it cost us?"

The Canadian replied, "Well, we don't know...we'll let you know."

In frustration, the American replied, "Well, it's urgent, so just send an
invoice with the shipment. By the way...how will the vaccine be delivered?"

After careful consideration, the Canadian official replied, "By cow. Twenty
vials of vaccine will be tied around the neck of every cow that passes over
the border. Now...if you want faster delivery, there are some softwood
lumber trucks available..."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Nov 10, 2004 1:40 pm

The inventor of the Harley-Davidson motorcycle, Arthur Davidson, died and went to heaven. At the gates, St. Peter told Arthur, "Since you've been such a good man and your motorcycles have changed the world, your reward will be to hang out with anyone you want in Heaven."

Arthur thought about it for a minute and then said, "I want to hang out with God."

St. Peter took Arthur to the Throne Room and introduced him to God.

God recognized Arthur and commented, "Okay, so you were the one who invented the Harley Davidson motorcycle?"

Arthur said, "Yeah, that's me."

God commented, "Well, what's the big deal in inventing something that's pretty unstable, makes noise and pollution and can't run without a road?"

Arthur was apparently embarrassed, but finally spoke, "Excuse me, but aren't you the inventor of woman?"

God said, "Umm, yes."

"Well," said Arthur, "professional to professional, you have some major design flaws in your invention:

1. There's too much inconsistency in the front-end protrusion;
2. It chatters constantly at high speeds;
3. Most of the rear ends are too soft and wobble too much;
4. The intake is placed way too close to the exhaust;
5. And the maintenance costs are outrageous!!"

"Hmmmm, you may have some good points there," replied God, "Hold on."

God went to his Celestial super-computer, typed in a few words and waited for the results.

The computer printed out a slip of paper and God read it.

"Well, it may be true that my invention is flawed," God said to Arthur, "but according to these numbers, more men are riding my invention than yours."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Jovorock » Thu Nov 11, 2004 11:08 am

Seeing Eye Dog

A blind man is walking down the street with his seeing-eye
dog one day. They come to a busy intersection, and the dog, ignoring
the high volume of traffic zooming by on the street, leads the blind
man right out into the thick of traffic.

This is followed by the screech of tires and horns blaring as panicked drivers try desperately not to run the pair down.

The blind man and the dog finally reach the safety of the sidewalk on the other side of the street, and the blind man pulls a cookie out of his coat pocket, which he offers to the dog. A passer-by, having observed the near fatal incident, can't control his amazement and says to the blind man, "Why on earth are you rewarding your dog with a cookie?

He nearly got you killed!"

The blind man turns partially in his direction and replies,"To find out where his head is, so I can kick his ass!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Sat Nov 13, 2004 3:27 pm

THE HOTEL BILL

A husband and wife are traveling by car from Key West to Boston. After almost twenty-four hours on the road, they're too tired to continue, and they decide to stop for a rest. They stop at a nice hotel and take a room, but they only plan to sleep for four hours and then get back on the road. When they check out four hours later, the desk clerk hands them a bill for $350.

The man explodes and demands to know why the charge is so high. He tells
the clerk although it's a nice hotel; the rooms certainly aren't worth $350. When the clerk tells him $350 is the standard rate, the man insists on speaking to the Manager. The Manager appears, listens to the man, and then explains that the hotel has an Olympic-size pool and a huge conference centre that were available for the husband and wife to use.

"But we didn't use them," the man complains.

"Well, they are here, and you could have," explains the Manager. He goes on to explain they could have taken in one of the shows for which the hotel is famous. "The best entertainers from New York, Hollywood and Las Vegas perform here," the Manager says.

"But we didn't go to any of those shows," complains the man again.

"Well, we have them, and you could have", the Manager replies. No matter what facility the Manager mentions, the man replies, "But we didn't use it!" The Manager
is not moved, and eventually the man gives up and agrees to pay. He writes a check and gives it to the Manager. The Manager is surprised when he looks at the check. "But sir," he says, "This check is only made out for $100."

"That's right," says the man. "I charged you $250 for sleeping with my wife."

"But I didn't!" exclaims the Manager.

"Well," the man replies, "She was here, and you could have."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Jovorock » Sun Nov 14, 2004 9:46 am

BLACK TESTICLES...........

> > A MAN IS LYING IN BED IN THE HOSPITAL WITH AN OXYGEN
> > MASK
> > OVER
> > HIS FACE. A YOUNG NURSE APPEARS TO SPONGE HIS HANDS AND
> > FEET.
> > "NURSE", HE MUMBLES FROM BEHIND THE MASK, ARE MY TESTICLES
> > BLACK?"
> > EMBARRASSED, THE YOUNG NURSE REPLIES, "I DON'T KNOW, I'M
> > ONLY
> > HERE TO WASH YOUR HANDS AND FEET. HE STRUGGLES AGAIN TO
> > ASK,
> > "NURSE, ARE MY > TESTICLES BLACK?" FINALLY, SHE PULLS BACK
> > THE
> > COVERS, RAISES HIS GOWN, HOLDS HIS > PENIS IN ONE HAND AND
> > HIS
> >
> > TESTICLES IN HER OTHER HAND AND TAKES A CLOSE LOOK > AND
> > SAYS,
> > "THERE'S NOTHING WRONG WITH THEM!" > > FINALLY, THE MAN PULLS
> > OFF
> > HIS OXYGEN MASK AND REPLIES," THAT WAS VERY > NICE BUT, ARE
> > --MY--TEST--RESULTS--BACK ?
> >
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Postby mattola » Tue Nov 16, 2004 10:08 am

For his birthday, little Patrick asked for a 10-speed bicycle. His father said, "Son, we'd give you one, but the mortgage on this house is $80,000 & your mother just lost her job. There's no way we can afford it." The next day the father saw little Patrick heading out the front door with a suitcase. So he asked, "Son, where are you going?" Little Patrick told him, "I was walking past your room last night heard you telling mom you were pulling out. Then I heard her tell you to wait because she was coming too. And I'll be damned if I'm staying here by myself with an $80,000 mortgage & no bike!"
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Postby WCE » Tue Nov 16, 2004 10:30 am

Tasteless...

But what else can you expect from a sun-soaking braggart?!?!?

;)
"We Will Rise Again"

- Fan's sign from the final game of the 05/06 season
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Postby mattola » Tue Nov 16, 2004 11:07 am

WCE wrote:Tasteless...

But what else can you expect from a sun-soaking braggart?!?!?

;)


:D :D
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Sat Nov 20, 2004 11:50 am

Not a bad joke there Matty....

Considering the sun has fried your brains and its your first attempt at humor since your return to 'The World'
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Nov 23, 2004 11:51 am

A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father
many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of
our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and
sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whale realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,
lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore!"
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby mattola » Tue Nov 23, 2004 3:38 pm

Madcombinepilot wrote:A male whale and a female whale were swimming off the coast of Japan when they noticed a whaling ship.
The male whale recognized it as the same ship that had harpooned his father
many years earlier.
He said to the female whale, "Lets both swim under the ship and blow out of
our air holes at the same time and it should cause the ship to turn over and
sink."
They tried it and sure enough, the ship turned over and quickly sank.
Soon however, the whale realized the sailors had jumped overboard and were
swimming to the safety of the shore.
The male was enraged that they were going to get away and told the female,
lets swim after them and gobble them up before they reach the shore!"
At this point, he realized the female was becoming reluctant to follow him.
"Look," she said, "I went along with the blow job, but I absolutely refuse
to swallow the seamen."


:roll:
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Nov 26, 2004 10:56 am

got a phone call from a gorgeous ex-girlfriend of mine the other day. We lost track of time, chatting about the good times we used to have together.

I couldn't believe it when she asked if I'd like to meet up and maybe rekindle a little of that magic. "Wow!", I said, "I don't know if I could keep pace with you now! I'm a bit older and a bit balder than when you last saw me!"

She giggled and said she was sure I'd meet the challenge!

"Yeah", I said, "just so long as you don't mind a man with a waistband that's a few inches wider these days!" She laughed and told me to stop being so silly! She teased me, saying that she thought tubby bald men were cute!

"Anyway", "I've put on a couple of pounds myself!" she giggled...

...so I told her to fuck off.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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