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Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 1:57 am
by Cookie La Rue
:D I'm playing soccer too with our local squad and our coach is italian, i guess i'll do a tryout with some of the vocabulary.

Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:31 am
by Mozy
calling him un pompinaio shouldnt be too bad :twisted:

Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 3:24 pm
by Cookie La Rue
No, i will call him a sticchiou. :mrgreen:

Posted: Sat Jun 25, 2005 5:42 pm
by Mozy
whatever floats your boat man, or whatever pisses him off the most :twisted:

Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 7:10 am
by Mozy
And now the OWNED section

the more you run over a rat with a car, the flatter it gets...

Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 7:11 am
by Mozy

This is a photoshopped image....but still its bloody hilarious

Posted: Mon Jun 27, 2005 6:02 pm
by Madcombinepilot
This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!

Posted: Tue Jun 28, 2005 4:10 pm
by mattola
These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.

ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.


ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.


ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?


ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?


ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.


ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: "Why did that upset you?'

WITNESS: My name is Susan.


ATTORNEY: Now doctor; isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?


ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: duh, he's twenty-one.


ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?


ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?


ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: duh....


ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?


ATTORNEY: How many were boys?


ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?


ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?


ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?


ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.


ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.


ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?



ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!


ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?



ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?


ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?


ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?


ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?


ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.

Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:22 am
by Madcombinepilot
Triumph the dog interviews Jackson supporters outside the courthouse. Its about 10 minutes long, and in some places rude...

Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:28 am
by Mozy
I saw that stuff live, damn funny i'll tell ya

Posted: Wed Jun 29, 2005 10:17 am
by mattola
Madcombinepilot wrote:Triumph the dog interviews Jackson supporters outside the courthouse. Its about 10 minutes long, and in some places rude...
doesnt beat the star wars one but damn funny nonetheless

Posted: Mon Jul 04, 2005 4:55 pm
by Mozy

Posted: Tue Jul 05, 2005 9:22 am
by Madcombinepilot
A newly arrived immigrant Pakistani arrives in Toronto All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr.Canadian, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and..."
The person interrupts and says, "I am not Canadian, I'm Chinese "

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by, "Thank you Mr.Canadian for to let my family and me stay here..."
The person interrupts and says, "I am not Canadian, I'm Jamaican"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by, "Mr Canadian,
me thank you for hospitality you give..."
"But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not Canadian"
"But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Canadians ??"
The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they're all at work"

Posted: Fri Jul 15, 2005 11:27 am
by Madcombinepilot
A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."

Posted: Mon Jul 18, 2005 3:56 pm
by Madcombinepilot
A man and his wife are awakened, at 3 o'clock in the morning by a loud pounding on the door. The man gets up and goes to the door where a drunken stranger, standing in the pouring rain, is asking for a push. "Not a chance," says the husband, "it is 3 o'clock in the morning! He slams the door and returns to bed. "Who was that?" asked his wife. "Just some drunken guy asking for a push," he answers. "Did you help him?" she asks. "No, I did not, it is 3 o'clock in the morning and it is pouring out there!" "Well, you have a short memory," says his wife. "Can't you remember, about three months ago when we broke down, and those two guys helped us? I think you should help him and you should be ashamed of yourself!"

The man does as he is told, gets dressed, and goes out into the pounding rain. He calls out into the dark, "Hello, are you still there?" "Yes" comes back the answer. "Do you still need a push?â€￾ calls out the husband. "Yes, please!" comes the reply from the dark. "Where are you?" asks the husband. "Over here on the swing!" replies the drunk.