Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Cookie La Rue » Sat Jun 25, 2005 1:57 am

feritflame wrote:http://www.gambino.com/curse.htm

:D I'm playing soccer too with our local squad and our coach is italian, i guess i'll do a tryout with some of the vocabulary.
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013
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Postby Mozy » Sat Jun 25, 2005 7:31 am

calling him un pompinaio shouldnt be too bad :twisted:
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Sat Jun 25, 2005 3:24 pm

No, i will call him a sticchiou. :mrgreen:
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Postby Mozy » Sat Jun 25, 2005 5:42 pm

whatever floats your boat man, or whatever pisses him off the most :twisted:
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Mon Jun 27, 2005 7:10 am

And now the OWNED section

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the more you run over a rat with a car, the flatter it gets...
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Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Mon Jun 27, 2005 7:11 am

Image

This is a photoshopped image....but still its bloody hilarious
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jun 27, 2005 6:02 pm

This married couple was on holiday in Jamaica. They were touring around the marketplace looking at the goods and such, when they passed this small sandal shop. From inside they heard the shopkeeper with an Jamaican accent say, "You foreigners! Come in. Come into my humble shop." So the married couple walked in.

The Jamaican said to them, "I have some special sandals I think you would be interested in. Dey make you wild at sex."

Well, the wife was really interested in buying the sandals after what the man claimed, but her husband felt he really didn't need them, being the sex god he was. The husband asked the man, "How could sandals make you into a sex freak?"

The Jamaican replied, "Just try dem on, Man."

Well, the husband, after some badgering from his wife, finally gave in, and tried them on.

As soon as he slipped them onto his feet, he got this wild look in his eyes, something his wife hadn't seen in many years!!

In the blink of an eye, the husband grabbed the Jamaican, bent him violently over a table, yanked down his pants, ripped down his own pants, and grabbed a firm hold of the Jamaican's hips.

The Jamaican then began screaming, YOU GOT DEM ON DE WRONG FEET!!!
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Postby mattola » Tue Jun 28, 2005 4:10 pm

These are from a book called Disorder in the American Courts, and are things people actually said in court, word for word, taken down and now published by court reporters that had the torment of staying calm while these exchanges were actually taking place.





ATTORNEY: Are you sexually active?

WITNESS: No, I just lie there.



______________________________

ATTORNEY: What is your date of birth?

WITNESS: July 18th.

ATTORNEY: What year?

WITNESS: Every year.

______________________________________



ATTORNEY: This myasthenia gravis, does it affect your memory at all?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And in what ways does it affect your memory?

WITNESS: I forget.

ATTORNEY: You forget? Can you give us an example of something you forgot?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How old is your son, the one living with you?

WITNESS: Thirty-eight or thirty-five, I can't remember which.

ATTORNEY: How long has he lived with you?

WITNESS: Forty-five years.

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: What was the first thing your husband said to you that morning?

WITNESS: He said, "Where am I, Cathy?"

ATTORNEY: "Why did that upset you?'

WITNESS: My name is Susan.

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Now doctor; isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, he doesn't know about it until the next morning?

WITNESS: Did you actually pass the bar exam?

_________________________________

ATTORNEY: The youngest son, the twenty-year-old, how old is he?

WITNESS: duh, he's twenty-one.

_______________________________________

ATTORNEY: Were you present when your picture was taken?

WITNESS: Would you repeat the question?

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: So the date of conception (of the baby) was August 8th?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: And what were you doing at that time?

WITNESS: duh....

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: She had three children, right?

WITNESS: Yes.

ATTORNEY: How many were boys?

WITNESS: None.

ATTORNEY: Were there any girls?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: How was your first marriage terminated?

WITNESS: By death.

ATTORNEY: And by whose death was it terminated?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Can you describe the individual?

WITNESS: He was about medium height and had a beard.

ATTORNEY: Was this a male or a female?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Is your appearance here this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your attorney?

WITNESS: No, this is how I dress when I go to work.

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, how many of your autopsies have you performed on dead people?

WITNESS: All my autopsies are performed on dead people.

____________________________________

ATTORNEY: ALL your responses MUST be oral, OK? What school did you go to?

WITNESS: Oral.

___________________________________

ATTORNEY: Do you recall the time that you examined the body?

WITNESS: The autopsy started around 8:30 p.m.

ATTORNEY: And Mr. Denton was dead at the time?

WITNESS: No, he was sitting on the table wondering why I was doing an autopsy on him!

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Are you qualified to give a urine sample?

WITNESS: Huh?

_____________________________________

ATTORNEY: Doctor, before you performed the autopsy, did you check for a pulse?

WITNESS: No

ATTORNEY: Did you check for blood pressure?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY Did you check for breathing?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: So, then it is possible that the patient was alive when you began the autopsy?

WITNESS: No.

ATTORNEY: How can you be so sure, Doctor?

WITNESS: Because his brain was sitting on my desk in a jar.

ATTORNEY: But could the patient have still been alive, nevertheless?

WITNESS: Yes, it is possible that he could have been alive and practicing law.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:22 am

Triumph the dog interviews Jackson supporters outside the courthouse. Its about 10 minutes long, and in some places rude...

http://ryoni.com/media/jackson.wmv
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Postby Mozy » Wed Jun 29, 2005 9:28 am

I saw that stuff live, damn funny i'll tell ya
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Postby mattola » Wed Jun 29, 2005 10:17 am

Madcombinepilot wrote:Triumph the dog interviews Jackson supporters outside the courthouse. Its about 10 minutes long, and in some places rude...

http://ryoni.com/media/jackson.wmv


doesnt beat the star wars one but damn funny nonetheless

http://www.milkandcookies.com/article/924/
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Postby Mozy » Mon Jul 04, 2005 4:55 pm

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Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Jul 05, 2005 9:22 am

A newly arrived immigrant Pakistani arrives in Toronto All excited, he stops the first person he meets. "Good day, Mr.Canadian, thank you to accept me in your nice country, and..."
The person interrupts and says, "I am not Canadian, I'm Chinese "

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by, "Thank you Mr.Canadian for to let my family and me stay here..."
The person interrupts and says, "I am not Canadian, I'm Jamaican"

The Pakistani continues on his way and meets another passer-by, "Mr Canadian,
me thank you for hospitality you give..."
"But my friend, don't you see that I am black? I am African, not Canadian"
"But", answers the Pakistani distressed, "where are the Canadians ??"
The African looks at his watch and says: "Oh, they're all at work"
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Jul 15, 2005 11:27 am

A sixteen year-old boy came home with a Porsche and his parents began to yell and scream, “Where did you get that car???!!!

He calmly told them, "I bought it today."

"With what money?" demanded his parents. "We know what a Porsche costs."

"Well," said the boy, "this one cost me fifteen dollars."

So the parents began to yell even louder. "Who would sell a car like that for fifteen dollars?" they said.

"It was the lady up the street," said the boy. "I don't know her name; they just moved in. She saw me ride past on my bike and asked me if I wanted to buy a Porsche for fifteen dollars."

"Oh my Goodness," moaned the mother, "she must be a child abuser. Who knows what she will do next? John, you go right up there and see what's going on."

So the boy's father walked up the street to the house where the lady lived and found her out in the yard calmly planting petunias! He introduced himself as the father of the boy to whom she had sold a Porsche for fifteen dollars and demanded to know why she did it.

"Well," she said, "this morning I got a phone call from my husband. I thought he was on a business trip, but learned from a friend he has run off to Hawaii with his secretary and really doesn't intend to come back. He claimed he was stranded and asked me to sell his new Porsche and send him the money. So I did."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jul 18, 2005 3:56 pm

The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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