Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Jun 07, 2005 9:43 am

hey no prob there ferit, just remember,

The camouflaged face at the window is mine


:)
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jun 13, 2005 7:30 am

Prime Minister Martin was invited to address a major gathering of the Canadian Indian Nation last weekend in Alberta. He spoke for almost an hour on his future plans for increasing every Native Canadians present standard of living. He referred to his career as Minister of Finance how he had signed "YES" 1,237 times - for every Indian issue that came to his desk for approval. Although the Prime Minister was vague on the details of his plan, he seemed most enthusiastic about his future ideas for helping his "red brothers".

At the conclusion of his speech, the Tribes presented the Prime Minister with a plaque inscribed with his new Indian name - Walking Eagle. The proud Prime Minister then departed in his motorcade, waving to the crowds. A news reporter later inquired to the group of chiefs of how they came to select the new name given to the Prime Minister.

They explained that Walking Eagle is the name given to a bird so full of shit it can no longer fly.
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Postby Mozy » Wed Jun 15, 2005 8:03 pm

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations.

Americans: Please divert your course 15 degrees to the North to avoid a
collision.

Canadians: Recommend you divert YOUR course 15 degrees to the South to
avoid collision.

Americans: This is the Captain of a US Navy ship. I say again, divert
your course.

Canadians: No. I say again, you divert YOUR course.

Americans: THIS IS THE AIRCRAFT CARRIER USS LINCOLN, THE SECOND LARGEST
SHIP IN THE UNITED STATES' ATLANTIC FLEET. WE ARE ACCOMPANIED BY THREE
DESTROYERS, THREE CRUISERS AND NUMEROUS SUPPORT VESSELS. I DEMAND THAT
YOU CHANGE YOUR COURSE 15 DEGREES NORTH, THAT'S ONE FIVE DEGREES NORTH,
OR COUNTER-MEASURES WILL BE UNDERTAKEN TO INSURE THE SAFETY OF THIS
SHIP.

Canadians: This is a lighthouse. It's your call."
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Jun 16, 2005 10:02 am

This is the transcript of an ACTUAL radio conversation of a US naval
ship with Canadian authorities off the coast of Newfoundland in
October,1995. Radio conversation released by the Chief of Naval
Operations.


Its actually an internet spoof... I keep the video on my 'puter..
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Postby Mozy » Thu Jun 16, 2005 12:02 pm

what can i say i got in an email from a good bud of mine....im not actually going to see if its true or not...its funny as hell and thats all that counts
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Jun 16, 2005 2:53 pm

PM me your e-mail addy, I'll send you the video clip that goes with it.
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Postby Mozy » Thu Jun 16, 2005 4:47 pm

ive PM'd you so much i dont think you are getting my PM's....but ill try again...because I was trying to PM you about those DVD's you wanted
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Jun 16, 2005 7:59 pm

I got that one.... and replyed :)
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Fri Jun 17, 2005 1:39 am

Hey ferrit, do you still have technical problems ? :twisted: ;)
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013
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Postby Cornuck » Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:53 pm

Joe was moderately successful in his career, but as he got older he was increasingly hampered by incredible headaches. When his personal hygiene and love life started to suffer, he sought medical help. After being referred from one specialist to another, he finally came across a doctor who solved the problem.

"The good news is I can cure your headaches... The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition which causes your testicles to press up against the base of your spine. The pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital, his mind was clear, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life.

He walked past a men's clothing store and thought, "That's what I need: a new suit." He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit."

The salesman eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly. As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see... 34 sleeve and... 16 and a half neck" Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see... 9-1/2... E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about a new hat?" Without hesitating, Joe said, "Sure..."

The salesman eyed Joe's head and said, "Let's see... 7-5/8." Joe was incredulous, "That's right, how did you know?"

"It's my job."

The hat fit perfectly. Joe was feeling great, when the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure..." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed, "No, I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old."

The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. It would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache."
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Postby Cornuck » Sat Jun 18, 2005 12:55 pm

One day Mom was cleaning Junior's room and in the closet she found a bondage S&M magazine.

This was highly upsetting for her. She hid the magazine until his Father got home and showed it to him.

He looked at it and handed it back to her with out a word. So she asked him, "What should we do about this?"

Dad looked at her and said, "Well I don't think you should spank him."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jun 20, 2005 9:08 am

A large group of US soldiers are moving down a road when they hear a
voice call from behind a sand dune: "One Canadian Soldier is better than ten
Americans!"

The US commander quickly sends 10 of his best soldiers over the dune,
whereupon a gun battle breaks out and continues for a few minutes, then
silence. The voice then calls out "One Canadian soldier is better than one
hundred Americans!"

Furious, the US commander sends his next best 100 troops over the dune
and instantly a huge firefight commences. After 10 minutes of battle, again
silence. The voice calls out again "One Canadian soldier is better than one
thousand Americans!"

The enraged US Commander musters one thousand fighters and sends them
across the dune. Cannons, rockets, and machine guns ring out as a huge
battle is fought. Then silence. Eventually one wounded US fighter crawls
back over the dune and with his dying words tells his commander, "Don't
send any more men, it's a trap. There are two of them!"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Mozy » Tue Jun 21, 2005 10:09 am

Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Fri Jun 24, 2005 4:24 pm

Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Mozy » Fri Jun 24, 2005 11:07 pm

Image
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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