Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue May 31, 2005 6:49 pm

Cinderella wants to go to the ball, but her wicked stepmother won't let her.
As Cinderella sits crying in the garden, her fairy godmother appears, and promised to provide Cinderella with everything she needs to go to the ball, but only on two conditions. "First, you must wear a diaphragm."
Cinderella agrees. "What's the second condition?"
"You must be home by 2:00 a.m. Any later, and your diaphragm will turn into a pumpkin."
Cinderella agrees to be home by 2:00 a.m. The appointed hour comes and goes, and Cinderella doesn't show up. Finally, at 5:00 a.m. Cinderella shows up, looking love struck and very satisfied.
"Where have you been?" demands the Fairy Godmother. "Your diaphragm was supposed to turn into a pumpkin three hours ago!!!"
"I met a prince, Fairy Godmother. He took care of everything."
The Fairy Godmother stated, "I know of no prince with that kind of power! Tell me his name!"
Cinderella replied, I can't remember, exactly, .
Peter, Peter, something or other..."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue May 31, 2005 6:52 pm

A woman went to a pet shop & immediately spotted a large, beautiful parrot. There was a sign on the cage that said $20.

"Why so little?" she asked the pet store owner. The owner looked at her and said "I should tell you first that this Bird used to live in a house of prostitution, & sometimes it says some pretty vulgar stuff."

The woman thought about this, but decided she wanted the bird anyway. She took it home & hung the bird's cage up in her living room & waited for it to say something. The bird looked around the room, then at her, & said, "New house, new madam." The woman was a bit shocked at the implication, but thought "that's really not so bad."

When her 2 teenage daughters returned from school the bird saw them and said, "New house, new madam, new girls." The girls & the woman were a bit offended but then began to laugh about the situation, considering how & where the parrot had been raised.

Moments later, the woman's husband Keith came home from work. The bird looked at him & said, "Hi, Keith."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue May 31, 2005 7:36 pm

A drunk gets up from the bar and heads for the bathroom. A few minutes later, a loud, blood curdling scream is heard from the bathroom. Few minutes after that, another loud scream reverberates through the bar.

The bartender goes into the bathroom to investigate why the drunk is screaming. "What's all the screaming about in there? You're scaring the customers!"

"I'm just sitting here on the toilet and every time I try to flush, something comes up and squeezes the hell out of my testicles."

With that, the bartender opens the door, looks in and says..."You idiot! You're sitting on the mop bucket!"!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Jun 01, 2005 9:15 am

PINOCCHIO had a human girlfriend who would sometimes complain about splinters when they were having sex. Pinocchio, therefore, went to visit Gepetto to see if he could help.

Gepetto suggested he try a little sandpaper wherever indicated and Pinocchio skipped away enlightened.
A couple weeks later, Gepetto saw Pinocchio bouncing happily through town and asked him, "How's the girlfriend?"
Pinocchio replied, "Who needs a girlfriend?"
_____________________________________________



LITTLE RED RIDING HOOD was walking through the woods when suddenly the Big Bad Wolf jumped out from behind a tree and, holding a sword to her throat, said, "Red, I'm going to screw your brains out!"
To that, Little Red Riding Hood calmly reached into her picnic basket and pulled out a ..

44 magnum and pointed it at him and said, "No, you're not. You're going to eat me, just like it says in the book."
____________________________________________

MICKEY MOUSE and MINNIE MOUSE were in divorce court and the judge said to Mickey, "You say here that your wife is crazy."
Mickey replied, "I didn't say she was crazy, I said she's f**king Goofy."
___________________________________________
SNOW WHITE saw Pinocchio walking through the woods so she ran up behind him, knocked him flat on his back, and then sat on his face crying, "Lie to me! Lie to me!"
___________________________________________

Did you know...Captain Hook died from jock itch.
____________________________________________

One day, JANE met TARZAN in the jungle. She was very attracted to him and during her questions about his life she asked him how he engaged to have sex.
"What's that?" he asked.
She explained to him what sex was and he said, "Oh, I use a hole in the trunk of a tree."
Horrified, she said, " Tarzan, you have it all wrong but I will show you how to do it properly." She took off her clothes, lay down on the ground and spread her legs. "Here," she said, "you must put it in here."
Tarzan removed his loincloth, stepped closer and then gave her an almighty kick in the crotch. Jane rolled around in agony. Eventually she managed to gasp, "What the hell did you do that for?"
"Just checking for bees," said Tarzan
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Jun 02, 2005 8:33 am

Courtesy of Mrs.CombinePilot

There were 3 good arguments that Jesus was Black:
1. He called everyone "brother".
2. He liked Gospel ..
3. He couldn't get a fair trial.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Jewish:
1. He went into His Father's business.
2. He lived at home until he was 33.
3. He was sure his Mother was a virgin and his mother was sure he was God.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Italian:
1. He talked with his hands.
2. He had wine with every meal.
3. He used olive oil.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was a Californian:
1. He never cut his hair.
2. He walked around barefoot all the time.
3. He started a new religion.

But then there were 3 equally good arguments that Jesus was Irish:
1. He never got married.
2. He was always telling stories.
3. He loved green pastures.

But the most compelling evidence of all 3 proofs that Jesus was a woman:
1. He fed a crowd at a moment's notice when there was no food
2. He kept trying to get a message across to a bunch of men who just didn't get it.
3. And even when he was dead, He had to get up because there was more work to do.


Amen
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Thu Jun 02, 2005 11:45 pm

And the conclusion is: Jesus is in all of us. :roll:
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Jun 03, 2005 7:17 am

TEN RULES FOR DATING MY DAUGHTER

Rule One
If you pull into my driveway and honk you'd better be delivering a package, because you're sure not picking anything up.

Rule Two
You do not touch my daughter in front of me. You may glance at her, so long as you do not peer at anything below her neck. If you cannot keep your eyes or hands off of my daughter's body, I will remove them.

Rule Three
I am aware that it is considered fashionable for boys of your age to wear theirs trousers so loosely that they appear to be falling off their hips. Please don't take this as an insult, but you and all of your friends are complete idiots. Still, I want to be fair and open minded about this issue, so I propose this compromise: you may come to the door with your underwear showing and your pants ten sizes too big, and I will not object. However, in order to ensure that your clothes do not, in fact, come off during the course of your date with my daughter, I will take my electric nail gun and fasten your trousers securely in place to your waist.

Rule Four
I'm sure that you've been told that in today's world, sex without utilizing a "barrier method" of some kind can kill you. Let me elaborate, when it comes to sex, I am the barrier, and I will kill you.

Rule Five
In order for us to get to know each other, we should talk about sports, politics, and other issues of the day. Please do not do this. The only information I require from you is an indication of when you expect to have my daughter safely back at my house, and the only word I need from you on this subject is "early."

Rule Six
I have no doubt you are a popular fellow, with many opportunities to date other girls. This is fine with me as long as it is okay with my daughter. Otherwise, once you have gone out with my little girl, you will continue to date no one but her until she is finished with you. If you make her cry, I will make you cry.

Rule Seven
As you stand in my front hallway, waiting for my daughter to appear, and more than an hour goes by, do not sigh, and fidget. If you want to be on time for the movie, you should not be dating. My daughter is putting on her makeup, a process that can take longer than painting the Golden Gate Bridge. Instead of just standing there, why don't you do something useful, like changing the oil in my car?

Rule Eight
The following places are not appropriate for a date with my daughter:
Places where there are beds, sofas, or anything softer than a wooden stool. Places where there are no parents, policemen, or pastors within eyesight. Places where there is darkness. Places where there is dancing, holding hands, or happiness. Places where the ambient temperature is warm enough to induce my daughter to wear shorts, tank tops, midriff T-shirts, or anything other than overalls, a sweater, and a goose down parka zipped up to her throat. Movies with a strong romantic or sexual theme are to be avoided; movies, which feature chain saws are okay. Hockey games are okay. Old folks homes are better.

Rule Nine
Do not lie to me. I may appear to be a potbellied, balding, middle-aged, dimwitted has-been. But on issues relating to my daughter, I am the all-knowing, merciless commander of your universe. If I ask you where you are going and with whom, you have one chance to tell me the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth. I have a shotgun, a shovel, and five acres behind the house. Do not trifle with me.

Rule Ten
Be afraid. Be very afraid. It takes very little for me to mistake the sound of your car in the driveway for a chopper coming in over a rice paddy outside of Hanoi. When my Agent Orange starts acting up, the voices in my head frequently tell me to clean the guns as I wait for you to bring my daughter home. As soon as you pull into the driveway you should exit your car with both hands in plain sight. Speak the perimeter password, announce in a clear voice that you have brought my daughter home safely and early, then return to your car-there is no need for you to come inside. The camouflaged face at the window is mine.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Jun 03, 2005 12:25 pm

World Records
As the legendary book of Guinness World Records celebrates its 50th birthday, we present...

YOUNGEST SOLDIER: Brazilian Luis Alves de Lima e Silva joined the infantry aged five in 1808.

LONGEST SURVIVING HEADLESS CHICKEN: From September 1945 a chicken called Mike survived for 18 months. He was fed with an eye dropper but choked to death on a corn kernel.

LONGEST CHAMPAGNE CORK FLIGHT: American Heinrich Medicus ejected a cork 54.18m (177ft 9in) in New York in 1988.

FASTEST HEARTBEAT: The shrew has a heart rate of 1,200 beats per minute.

OLDEST WOMAN: Jeanne Louise Calment made it to 122 years 164 days on 4 August 1997.

WORLD'S FASTEST FERRET: Warhol clocked 10m (32ft) in 12.59 seconds at the 1999 North of England Ferret Racing event.

FIRST MANNED SPACEFLIGHT: Yuri Gagarin, on 12 April 1961.

MOST TEACUPS CAUGHT ON THE HEAD WHILE UNICYCLING: German Rudi Horn in 1952 threw six cups and saucers with his feet and balanced them on his head while mounted on a unicycle.

GREATEST SEA RESCUE: In 1942, 2,735 people were saved from the USS Lexington after it sank in the Pacific.

HIGHEST FEE PER MINUTE FOR AN ACTOR IN A TV AD: Nicole Kidman earned $3.71m (£2m) for a four-minute commercial for Chanel No 5 in 2003 - $928,800 per minute.

LONGEST WORKING LIFE: Shigechiyo Izumi, from Japan, worked 98 years. He retired as a sugar cane farmer in 1970, aged 105.

FASTEST TIME TO SCORE A HAT-TRICK: Tommy Ross scored three goals in 90 seconds for Ross County against Nairn County at Dingwall, Ross-shire, in 1964.

LARGEST NUDE PHOTO SHOOT: In 2003 7,000 volunteers posed in Barcelona for the photographer Spencer Tunick.

KEENEST BIRD VISION: A peregrine falcon can spot a pigeon at a range of over 5 miles.

HIGHEST MURDER RATE: Colombia has 65 murders per 100,000 people per year.

DEAREST OLD MASTER: Rubens' The Massacre of the Innocents was sold at Sotheby's, London for £49.5m in 2002.

GREATEST EGG-DROPPING HEIGHT: England's David Donoghue dropped eggs 213m (700ft) from a helicopter in 1994 - and some survived.

LONGEST MARRIAGE: Wesley and Stella McGowen, married since 6 February 1920 - almost 85 years.

EARLIEST USE OF SMALLPOX AS A WEAPON: British soldiers in the Wars of 1754-1767 distributed smallpox-impregnated blankets to native Americans.

BIGGEST CONFERENCE CALL: On 29 September 2003, 3,466 shared the line with presidential challenger Howard Dean.

TOP-SCORING AIR ACE IN SECOND WORLD WAR: German Major Erich Hartmann shot down 352 aircraft, including 13 planes in 17 minutes during one 1943 sortie.

MOST VOTES FOR A CHIMP IN A CAMPAIGN: In the 1988 mayoral elections in Rio, Tiao came third, taking 400,000 votes.

BIGGEST EYE: An Atlantic giant squid found in Canada in 1878 had eyes 40cm (15.75in) across.

FASTEST TIME TO DRINK TWO PINTS OF STOUT: Canadian Scott Williams downed two pints of Guinness in 6.3 seconds in 2003.

LONGEST TRAFFIC JAM: A jam stretched 109 miles from Lyon towards Paris in February 1980.

LONGEST TIME TRAPPED IN A LIFT: Cypriot Kively Papajohn, 76, was trapped for 6 days in 1987.

HIGHEST-PAID FILM ACTOR: Bruce Willis received $100m (£62m) for The Sixth Sense.

OLDEST LIVING TREE: A bristlecone pine in the USA's White Mountains, called Methuselah, is 4,733 years old.

LONGEST DAY: As Earth's rotation slows by 0.02 seconds per century, the longest day is today.

BIGGEST CAT LITTER: In 1970 a Burmese/Siamese cross cat owned by Brit V Gane gave birth to 19 kittens, although 4 were stillborn.

FASTEST TIME TO TYPE ONE TO ONE MILLION: Australia Les Stewart typed one to one million, in words, between 1982 and '88.

BIGGEST ANIMAL BRAIN: The brain of the sperm whale weighs roughly 9kg (19lb 13oz).

HIGHEST BUNGEE JUMP: Kiwi Chris Allum jumped 251m (823ft) from the New River Gorge Bridge, West Virginia, in 1992.

FASTEST ROLLER COASTER: The Top Thrill Dragster at Cedar Point, Ohio, clocks 120mph.

LONGEST POLE-SITTING: The monk St Simeon the Stylite (circa AD 386-459) spent about 39 years on a stone pillar near Aleppo, Syria. It is the longest-standing record in the book of Guinness World Records.

BIGGEST FLOP: Cutthroat Island (1995) cost more than $100m (£62m). It earned back $11m (11 per cent).

LOWEST TEMPERATURE IN AN INHABITED AREA: The Siberian village of Oymyakon reached -68C (-90F) in 1933.

MOST BASKETBALLS SPUN: American Michael Kettman span 28 balls simultaneously in 1999.

MOST VALUABLE LETTER: A letter written by Abraham Lincoln in 1863 sold for $748,000 (£418,000) in 1991 in New York.

TALLEST MAN: America's Robert Wadlow, right, stood at 2.72m (8ft 11.1in) in 1940.

FURTHEST VISIBLE OBJECT: The spiral Triangulum galaxy can be seen 2.53 million light years away.

LARGEST PANTS: The largest cotton underwear, 9.54m (31ft 4in) wide and 4.9m (16ft) tall, were unveiled in Exeter in 2003.

HIGHEST ANNUAL RAINFALL: Mawsynram, in eastern India, has 11,873mm (4,678in) per annum.

BIGGEST SNOWBALL FIGHT: Involved 2,473 people at Triel, Switzerland, in January 2003.

BIGGEST SPIDER: A male goliath bird-eating spider, above, found in Venezuela in 1965 had a legspan of 28cm (11in).

HOTTEST PLANET: Venus has an average of 480C (896F).

MOST RETAKES FOR ONE SCENE: Stanley Kubrick demanded 127 retakes for a scene with Shelley Duval in The Shining.

FASTEST BAKED BEAN EATER: Briton Andy Szerbini ate 226 baked beans in five minutes using a cocktail stick in London in 1996.

BIGGEST CONDOM: A 21.94m (72ft) condom was fitted over the obelisk at Place de la Concorde in Paris in 1993.



(They still havent returned it to me, I had to get it custom fitted)
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Postby Cornuck » Fri Jun 03, 2005 12:58 pm

FASTEST TIME TO SCORE A HAT-TRICK: Tommy Ross scored three goals in 90 seconds for Ross County against Nairn County at Dingwall, Ross-shire, in 1964.

WRONG!

Bill Mosienko in 21 seconds- Chicago Black Hawks 1952

-----------------------

HIGHEST ANNUAL RAINFALL: Mawsynram, in eastern India, has 11,873mm (4,678in) per annum.

WRONG!

Any long weekend in Vancouver

----------------------

MOST VOTES FOR A CHIMP IN A CAMPAIGN: In the 1988 mayoral elections in Rio, Tiao came third, taking 400,000 votes.

WRONG!

George Bush - 56,202,111

----------------------
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Fri Jun 03, 2005 1:04 pm

Hey mcp the 10 rules are huge. :shock:
If i ever will have a daughter i'll remember them for sure. ;)

ps: do you have too much time left on work to check out these records ? f+++++ s+++ :mrgreen:
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Postby Mozy » Fri Jun 03, 2005 4:26 pm

MOST VOTES FOR A CHIMP IN A CAMPAIGN: In the 1988 mayoral elections in Rio, Tiao came third, taking 400,000 votes.

WRONG!

George Bush - 56,202,111



touche
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jun 06, 2005 10:38 am

Cookie La Rue wrote:Hey mcp the 10 rules are huge. :shock:
If i ever will have a daughter i'll remember them for sure. ;)

ps: do you have too much time left on work to check out these records ? f+++++ s+++ :mrgreen:


I wish!

They were both forwarded to me in the e-mail... As much as I would like to take credit for them, I can't....

With Little Miss CombinePilot being as cute as she is, I will take the 10 rules to heart... :)
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Jun 06, 2005 8:14 pm

A young doctor had moved out to a small community to replace the retiring country doctor. The older doctor suggested the young one accompany him on his rounds so the community could become used to a new doctor.

At the first house a woman complained, "I've been a little sick to my stomach.

"The older doctor said, "Well, you've probably been overdoing the fresh fruit. Why not cut back on the amount you've been eating and see if that does the trick?"

As they left the younger man said, "You didn't even examine that woman. How did you arrive at your diagnosis so quickly?"

"I didn't have to. You noticed I dropped my stethoscope on the floor in there? When I bent over to pick it up, I noticed a half-dozen banana peels in the trash. That was what was probably making her sick.

"Huh," the younger doctor said, "pretty clever. I think I'll try that at the next house." Arriving at the next house, they spent several minutes talking with a younger woman. She complained that she just didn't have the energy she once did. "I'm feeling terribly run down lately."

"You've probably been doing too much work for the church," the younger doctor told her. "Perhaps you should cut back a bit and see if that helps.

"As they left, the elder doc said, "Your diagnosis is almost certainly correct, but how did you arrive at it?"

"Well, just as you did at the last house, I dropped my stethoscope and when I bent down to retrieve it, I noticed the preacher under the bed."
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Postby Mozy » Tue Jun 07, 2005 6:05 am

Miss CombinePilot being as cute as she is, I will take the 10 rules to heart...


but youll make an exception for me right? cuz we're buds and whatnot ;)
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Tue Jun 07, 2005 8:48 am

feritflame wrote:
... cuz we're buds and whatnot ;)

In this case i wouldn't make an exception more than ever. :mrgreen:
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