Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Jovorock » Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:18 am

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her
dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since
her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be
at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As
usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,
asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he
give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:26 pm

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. " Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Apr 27, 2005 8:28 am

Two tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Schubenacadie, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth as they stopped for lunch.
Standing at the counter, one of the tourists asked the blonde employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and said:



"Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnnssss"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Apr 27, 2005 11:31 am

compliments: alt.sports.hockey.nhl.vanc-canucks


Steve Moore, Ken Linsman and Tie Domi were sitting in a bar having a few beers

The rat say"hey guys isnt that jesus sitting at the bar?"

Dumi says "yeah i think it is,let's buy hiim a brewski"

moore says ok good idea I am gonna take a leak you guys cover it ok?

Dumi and the rat send jesus over a Canadian.

Later they are discussing how to screw people over and look innocent
and jesus walks up to the table and says

" thank you for the beer,is there anything i can do for you?"

The Rat says "yeah man i have a nagging back injury can you help?"
jesus waves his hand over the rats back and he is instantly cured.

Dumi chimes in "jesus, jesus that was awesome can you fix up my face?"

Jesus says"I am sorry sir but even I cannot perform That miracle But i
can cure your arthritic knees from turtling so much on the cold ice"

Again he waves his hand and Dumi's knees are cured

Then Jesus turns to Steve Moore and says "WOW you are that poor man
that the big bad mean bertuzzi almost killed"

as jesus reaches out to wave his hand over stevie's neck, moore slides
his chair away and says

"hey back off man my lawyer and I have a meeting with Bettman in the
morning"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Wed Apr 27, 2005 11:40 pm

Madcombinepilot wrote:as jesus reaches out to wave his hand over stevie's neck, moore slides his chair away and says "hey back off man my lawyer and I have a meeting with Bettman in the morning"

:lol: never heard this before. :twisted:
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013
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Postby Cornuck » Thu Apr 28, 2005 11:36 pm

^^ Classic :lol:
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Top 50 ways to get fired

Postby mattola » Fri Apr 29, 2005 2:53 pm

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Postby dangler » Mon May 02, 2005 5:23 pm

Q: How are a grape and a spider the same?

A: They both have 8 legs,except the grape
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu May 12, 2005 1:38 pm

In light of the many perversions and jokes we send to one another for a >laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson
asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding the attacks on Sept. 11).
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said "I
believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He
leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school the Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they
don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and
workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on
your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they WILL think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in!
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu May 12, 2005 1:39 pm

After reading the last comment I posted on this thread, I read it again...

Sure makes you think, don't it?
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Postby Cornuck » Thu May 12, 2005 3:29 pm

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.


How true.....
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Postby Mozy » Thu May 12, 2005 7:57 pm

Sure makes you think, don't it?


totally....good post MCP
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Jovorock » Fri May 13, 2005 7:44 am

>Subject: Jumping On The Bed"

>A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

>Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
>ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

>The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care ... I just
>came from having a mammogram and the Doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.


>The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

>"Your name never came up," She replied
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Postby Jovorock » Wed May 18, 2005 2:00 pm

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, Where in
> >the hell have you been?
> >
> > He replies, I was out getting a tattoo.
> >
> > A tattoo? she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?
> >
> > I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates he said proudly.
> >
> > What the hell were you thinking? she said, shaking her head in disdain.
> >
> > Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
> >on his privates?
> >
> > Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
> >
> > Two,once in awhile I like to play with my money.
> >
> > Three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you
> >going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred
> >bucks anytime you want!!!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu May 19, 2005 11:11 am

lmfao!
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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