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The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Jovorock » Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:18 am

Two couples were playing poker one evening. John accidentally dropped
some cards on the floor. When he bent down under the table to pick them
up, he noticed Bill's wife Sue wasn't wearing any underwear under her
dress! Shocked by this, John upon trying to sit back up again, hit his
head on the table and emerged red-faced.

Later, John went to the kitchen to get some refreshments. Bill's wife
followed and asked, "Did you see anything that you liked under there?"
Surprised by her boldness, John courageously admitted that, well indeed
he did. She said, " Well, you can have it but it will cost you $500."

After taking a minute or two to assess the financial and moral costs of
this offer, John confirms that he is interested. She tells him that since
her husband Bill works Friday afternoons and John doesn't, John should be
at her house around 2 p.m. Friday afternoon.

When Friday rolled around, John showed up at Bill's house at 2 p.m. sharp
and after paying Sue the agreed sum of $500 they went to the bedroom and
closed their transaction, as agreed. John quickly dressed and left. As
usual, Bill came home from work at 6 p.m. and upon entering the house,
asked his wife abruptly. "Did John come by the house this afternoon?"

With a lump in her throat Sue answered "Why yes, he did stop by for a few
minutes this afternoon."

Her heart nearly skipped a beat when her husband curtly asked, "And did he
give you $500?"

In terror she assumed that somehow he had found out and after mustering
her best poker face, replied, "Well, yes, in fact he did give me $500."

Bill, with a satisfied look on his face, surprised his wife by saying,
"Good, I was hoping he did. John came by the office this morning and
borrowed $500 from me. He promised me he'd stop by our house this
afternoon on his way home and pay me back."

Now THAT, my friends, is a poker player!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Apr 20, 2005 8:26 pm

A man walked into the ladies department of a Macy's and shyly walked up to the woman behind the counter and said, "I'd like to buy a bra for my wife.
"What type of bra?" asked the clerk.
"Type?" inquires the man, "There's more than one type?
"Look around," said the saleslady, as she showed a sea of bras in every shape, size, colour and material imaginable. " Actually, even with all of this variety, there are really only four types of bras to choose from."
Relieved, the man asked about the types.
The saleslady replied: "There are the Catholic, the Salvation Army, the Presbyterian, and the Baptist types. Which one would you prefer?"
Now totally befuddled, the man asked about the differences between them.
The Saleslady responded, "It is all really quite simple...
The Catholic type supports the masses.
The Salvation Army type lifts the fallen,
The Presbyterian type keeps them staunch and upright,
and The Baptist makes mountains out of mole hills."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Apr 27, 2005 8:28 am

Two tourists were driving through Nova Scotia.
As they were approaching Schubenacadie, they started
arguing about the pronunciation of the town's name.

They argued back and forth as they stopped for lunch.
Standing at the counter, one of the tourists asked the blonde employee,

"Before we order, could you please settle an argument for us?

Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?"
The blonde waitress leaned over the counter and said:



"Tiiimmmmm Hoorrrrttoooonnnssss"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Wed Apr 27, 2005 11:31 am

compliments: alt.sports.hockey.nhl.vanc-canucks


Steve Moore, Ken Linsman and Tie Domi were sitting in a bar having a few beers

The rat say"hey guys isnt that jesus sitting at the bar?"

Dumi says "yeah i think it is,let's buy hiim a brewski"

moore says ok good idea I am gonna take a leak you guys cover it ok?

Dumi and the rat send jesus over a Canadian.

Later they are discussing how to screw people over and look innocent
and jesus walks up to the table and says

" thank you for the beer,is there anything i can do for you?"

The Rat says "yeah man i have a nagging back injury can you help?"
jesus waves his hand over the rats back and he is instantly cured.

Dumi chimes in "jesus, jesus that was awesome can you fix up my face?"

Jesus says"I am sorry sir but even I cannot perform That miracle But i
can cure your arthritic knees from turtling so much on the cold ice"

Again he waves his hand and Dumi's knees are cured

Then Jesus turns to Steve Moore and says "WOW you are that poor man
that the big bad mean bertuzzi almost killed"

as jesus reaches out to wave his hand over stevie's neck, moore slides
his chair away and says

"hey back off man my lawyer and I have a meeting with Bettman in the
morning"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Cookie La Rue » Wed Apr 27, 2005 11:40 pm

Madcombinepilot wrote:as jesus reaches out to wave his hand over stevie's neck, moore slides his chair away and says "hey back off man my lawyer and I have a meeting with Bettman in the morning"

:lol: never heard this before. :twisted:
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013
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Postby Cornuck » Thu Apr 28, 2005 11:36 pm

^^ Classic :lol:
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Top 50 ways to get fired

Postby mattola » Fri Apr 29, 2005 2:53 pm

#14 still makes me laugh.

50. The Auctioneer
Image
Sell office items on ebay. "Hey Mr. Jones, I need your chair. Some guy in Boston bought it for 85 bucks... You believe that? Don't worry; I'll cut you in. How's 80/20 sound? It's only fair since I did the all work."

49. The Cookout
Cook your lunch on a charcoal grill you brought into your cubicle. Slaughtering the pig at your desk before you fabricate and cook it, wouldn't hurt either.

48. The Happy Birthday
When a birthday card is being passed around the office to be signed, instead of signing “Happy Birthdayâ€￾, sign, “I will taste your flesh.â€￾

47. The J - E - W
When your boss enters your office while you are on the phone, quickly wrap up the call with, “I'm gonna have to call you later. The J - E - W is back.â€￾

46. The Worm
Store live bait in the refrigerator with a price tag. When confronted, ask how much they want. Then when they insist you remove it, deny having put it there, and get angry at the implication.

45. The Dreamcatcher
Image
Send out a play-by-play email detailing the dream you had about Suzy the temp, the boss' teenage daughter and your ex-girlfriend. The more descriptive and lewd the details the better. Make sure to focus how depraved the boss' daughter was.

44. The Material Girl
Tape the paper cones from the water cooler onto your chest and sing "Material Girl" at the top of your lungs into a stapler. Refuse to stop.

43. The Switcheroo
Repeatedly change your boss' homepage to farmgirls.com, and then put a repair request into the IT department from his email.

42. The Ma Fratelli
Take whatever money you have in your pocket and make B&W copies of the bills on the office copy machine while laughing manically and repeating, “It’s too fucking easy…â€￾

41. The Elephant
Walk around the office with your pockets out and your cock dangling from your open zipper. When confronted, make an elephant noise and then chase them around screaming, "STAMPEDE" and laughing hysterically.

40. The Sex Chair
Image
Insist your coworkers smell your chair, repeatedly saying that it smells like sex. Constantly comment about how hard it is to concentrate with the sweet smell of sex in the air.

*Having an erection the whole time really sells this one.

39. The Racist
When your office manager posts the State affirmative action laws, saunter over to them, read them out loud, stopping to laugh after each, then turn around and say quite loudly, "Yeah right. We'd be outta business in a month.â€￾

38. The Halloween Boss
On Halloween, come in piss drunk and dressed like your boss (doesn't matter man or woman). Walk around the office slurring your words and repeatedly insist, "I am the boss! Look at me!" Be sure to piss yourself and fire anyone who crosses you.

37. The Resume Shocker
Print out your resume on the office printer and leave it there. Next to your current job, list your duties as “two in the pink, one in the stink.â€￾

36. The Old 86er
When a woman in the office takes orders for Girl Scout cookies, put down “86â€￾ by your name. Then when the order for 86 boxes of cookies comes in, look confused and tell her that you were just “86â€￾ing the idea that you'd buy Girl Scout cookies from her daughter. Then tell her that the wrinkles around her eyes are making her look old.

35. The Health Plan Brunch
Image
When the company is having a doughnut brunch to explain their new health insurance plan, ask, “So, which STDs are covered by this policy? Does a new outbreak of herpes count as a pre-existing condition? What if it's a form of hepatitis that is not currently found in the USA, but you can only get it from Russian prisons and Malaysian teen prostitutes? You know, that kind that causes the pus blisters on your hands? What would be my deductible?â€￾ Then touch everybody’s doughnuts.

34. The Jesus Hates Vending Machines
Punch a hole through the vending machine and steal all the candy. When they ask you why you did it, tell them you had a very good reason: you killed the vending machine because it was a homosexual.

33. The Three's Company
Tell your boss that you’re the star of the company, and you demand 10% of the gross profits, and they could never continue without you.

32. The Baby Talker
Communicate with your coworkers only in baby talk. "Baby wanna status report... aww goochie goochie. Baby smells poopy."

31. The Scalper
Send out an e-mail asking "Is there anyone that would like Free tickets to tonight’s NBA Game?" Reply to all inquiries with "Yeah, me too"

30. The Dartboard
Image
Hang a dartboard up and in the center of it, hang a photo of an underwear model from the Sears catalog. Title the photo your boss' little package.

29. The Skeptic
Anytime you are in a meeting, raise your hand and and ask your boss, "What makes you so smart?" or "How’d you figure that Einstein?" or "You come up with that all by yourself, champ?"

28. The Sales Opportunity
If someone tries soliciting candy for one of their kid's fund raising endeavors, just tell them the following, "No thanks, but have your kid talk to me if they want to make some "REAL money." Then just sit there rubbing your lap over and over smiling.

27. The Prank Page
Make prank calls to the receptionist and have her page you for a phone call. Then hang up. Immediately call back and call her an incompetent whore. When she pages you again, hang up. Then go up to the front and scream at her in person. After you slap her around a bit, let her in on the joke.


26. The Diaper
Brag about how much more work you've gotten done since you started wearing Depends. Lie down on top of your desk and change yourself periodically throughout the day. Talk to yourself in the baby voice while you do it, "You are a good boy. A BIG boy too. Look at you." Leave the soiled diapers in your regular trash.

25. The Takagi
Tell your boss you hope he gets "Takagi-ed" one of these days. When he finds out what this means, you'll be on your way.

24. The Birthday Dick
For your boss' birthday get him a cake that reads, "Happy Birthday Dick." Explain that it was a mix up at the bakery. Then write "Happy Birthday Dick" on his card.

*If his name is actually Dick, get a cake that says, "Happy Birthday Vagina."


23. The Christmas Gift
Give the hottest girl in the office a crotchless teddy for Christmas, and give everyone else a photo of you masturbating.

22. The Email Guy
The next time you get a phone call, smash your phone to pieces on your desk. If anybody questions it say, “I'm more of an email guyâ€￾.

21. The Tattoo
Get a giant tattoo of the boss' naked wife on your chest. The show it off to her at the Christmas party.

20. The Most Annoying Thing of All Time
Image
Do not leave any room, at any time, without first saying, "Seacrest Out."

19. The Windowless Van
Tell your secretary that the only way she can keep her job is "if you touch me where my bathing suit goes." Then asker if she wants to see the airbrushed desert mural on your conversion van.

18. The Moviefone Guy
If you’re working as an operator for 911, answer all your calls in the Moviefone guy voice. "Hello, and thank you for calling 911. What is your emergency? For murder, press one. For a house fire press two. For car accident press three. For all other emergencies, press 5." Then transfer them to Moviefone.

17. The Wet Nurse
Breast-feeding your co-workers is NEVER acceptable. I know, strange, but true.

16. The Valet
Park your car in your cubicle.


15. The Turbo and Ozone
Image
Set a fire. Then breakdance. When they ask you why you're break dancing, say that the sign said “In case of fire, break dance.â€￾ When they tell you that the sign actually said, “In case of fire, break glass,â€￾ tell them you panicked because of the fire.

14. The Fredo
Arrive at work early and hide under your boss' desk. When the boss arrives, do nothing but hide for the first three hours. Then roll up his pants so slowly he doesn't notice. Then lick his shin. After he finishes freaking out and asks you what the hell you're doing, tell him that he's crazy, and that you have no idea what he’s talking about. Do the “screws looseâ€￾ gesture with your hands, and then kiss him on the mouth and say, "You broke my heart."

13. The Cotton Mouth
Stare at your coworkers and lick your lips sensually. Do this until someone asks you what your problem is. Then, matter of factly explain that your mouth is dry because of all the "nose candy."

12. The Breath Police
Interrupting the managing director's morning monologue by making a police siren sound at the top your lungs. Then say, "Breath Police... I don't mean to be mean, but someone needs some Listerine! You're stank mouth is kickin' up a gail in this muthafucker."

11. The Come On Down
Bring a little television into your cubicle and watch the Price is Right everyday, cheering loudly. Be sure to call bullshit when you guess wrong, and insist you could get that item cheaper at any grocery store in America.

10. The Lunch Break
Image
Announce that it is time for lunch, then pull out a bottle of bourbon and a bong.

9. The Candy Dish
Replace the candy bowl on your desk with one full of condoms and a sign that says, "Hot Bitches Only!"

8. The Water Closet Reporter
Every time you return from the bathroom give a detailed update about your activities. Digital photos are a nice touch too.


7. The Caribbean Flu
Call in sick for a week with the "Caribbean Flu." Then return with the deepest tan imaginable.

6. The Korean Niece
On bring your daughter to work day, bring a Korean whore and tell everybody she's your “niece.â€￾ Then engage in deviant sex with her on top of your desk.

5. The Hasselhoff
Image
Explain that where you come from, a Speedo and an unbuttoned shirt is considered "business casual."

* God, any excuse to use this photo. Hasselhoff, you handsome bastard.


4. The Finger Licking Good
Whenever you leave the employee bathroom, rather than washing your hands, lick your fingers like you just had a delicious meal.

3. The Movie Critic
Show up to the office covered in blood. Casually ask around if anyone has ever seen a movie where someone had to dispose of a dead hobo, and how it worked out for them in the end.

2. The Roman Helmet
Nail the Boss's daughter... To a cross.

1. The Creepy Laugher
Spend all day surfing funny websites and trying to hide your laughter from your coworkers who hate you because they are doing real work.
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Postby dangler » Mon May 02, 2005 5:23 pm

Q: How are a grape and a spider the same?

A: They both have 8 legs,except the grape
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu May 12, 2005 1:38 pm

In light of the many perversions and jokes we send to one another for a >laugh, this is a little different: This is not intended to be a joke, it's not funny, it's intended to get you thinking.

Billy Graham's daughter was interviewed on the Early Show and Jane Clayson
asked her "How could God let something like this happen?" (regarding the attacks on Sept. 11).
Anne Graham gave an extremely profound and insightful response. She said "I
believe God is deeply saddened by this, just as we are, but for years we've been telling God to get out of our schools, to get out of our government and to get out of our lives. And being the gentleman He is, I believe He has calmly backed out. How can we expect God to give us His blessing and His protection if we demand He
leave us alone?"
In light of recent events...terrorists attack, school shootings, etc. I think it started when Madeleine Murray O'Hare (she was murdered, her body found recently) complained she didn't want prayer in our schools, and we said OK.
Then someone said you better not read the Bible in school the Bible says thou shalt not kill, thou shalt not steal, and love your neighbor as yourself. And we said OK.
Then Dr. Benjamin Spock said we shouldn't spank our children when they misbehave because their little personalities would be warped and we might damage their self-esteem (Dr. Spock's son committed suicide). We said an expert should know what he's talking about. And we said OK.
Now we're asking ourselves why our children have no conscience, why they
don't know right from wrong, and why it doesn't bother them to kill strangers, their classmates, and themselves.
Probably, if we think about it long and hard enough, we can figure it out. I think it has a great deal to do with "WE REAP WHAT WE SOW."

Funny how simple it is for people to trash God and then wonder why the world's going to hell. Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.

Funny how you can send 'jokes' through e-mail and they spread like wildfire but when you start sending messages regarding the Lord, people think twice about sharing.

Funny how lewd, crude, vulgar and obscene articles pass freely through
cyberspace, but public discussion of God is suppressed in the school and
workplace.

Are you laughing?

Funny how when you forward this message, you will not send it to many on
your address list because you're not sure what they believe, or what they WILL think of you for sending it. Funny how we can be more worried about what other people think of us than what God thinks of us.

Pass it on if you think it has merit. If not then just discard it... no one will know you did. But, if you discard this thought process, don't sit back and complain about what bad shape the world is in!
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu May 12, 2005 1:39 pm

After reading the last comment I posted on this thread, I read it again...

Sure makes you think, don't it?
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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Postby Cornuck » Thu May 12, 2005 3:29 pm

Funny how we believe what the newspapers say, but question what the Bible says.


How true.....
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Postby Mozy » Thu May 12, 2005 7:57 pm

Sure makes you think, don't it?


totally....good post MCP
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
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Postby Jovorock » Fri May 13, 2005 7:44 am

>Subject: Jumping On The Bed"

>A fiftyish woman was at home happily jumping on her bed and squealing with delight.

>Her husband watches her for a while and asks, "Do you have any idea how
>ridiculous you look? What's the matter with you?"

>The woman continues to bounce on the bed and says, "I don't care ... I just
>came from having a mammogram and the Doctor says I have the breasts of an 18 year-old.


>The husband said, "What did he say about your 56 year old ass?"

>"Your name never came up," She replied
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Postby Jovorock » Wed May 18, 2005 2:00 pm

An accountant gets home late one night and his wife says, Where in
> >the hell have you been?
> >
> > He replies, I was out getting a tattoo.
> >
> > A tattoo? she frowned. What kind of tattoo did you get?
> >
> > I got a hundred dollar bill on my privates he said proudly.
> >
> > What the hell were you thinking? she said, shaking her head in disdain.
> >
> > Why on earth would an accountant get a hundred dollar bill tattooed
> >on his privates?
> >
> > Well, one, I like to watch my money grow.
> >
> > Two,once in awhile I like to play with my money.
> >
> > Three, I like how money feels in my hand and lastly, instead of you
> >going out shopping, you can stay right here at home and blow a hundred
> >bucks anytime you want!!!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu May 19, 2005 11:11 am

lmfao!
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with untill you understand I am in charge.
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