Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Feb 18, 2005 11:16 am

your welcome ;)

anything to make your day better ....
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Postby Mozy » Fri Feb 18, 2005 9:12 pm

nucks_girl wrote:
Madcombinepilot wrote:Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Austrailia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless Canadian Women


Just for you NG


thanks MCP, i've been busy, but i came out of the woodwork (a bit late) just to read your joke! made my day!


welcome back NG 8-)
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Sun Feb 20, 2005 3:49 pm

Two married buddies are out drinking one night when one turns to the other and says, "You know, I don't know what else to do. Whenever I go home after we've been out drinking, I turn the headlights off before I get to the driveway. I shut off the engine and coast into the garage. I take my shoes off before I go into the house, I sneak up the stairs, get undressed in the bathroom, stick my foot in the toilet and pee down my leg to prevent splashing sounds. I ease into bed and my wife STILL wakes up and yells at me for staying out so late!"
His buddy looks at him and says, "Well, you're obviously taking the wrong approach. I screech into the driveway, slam the door, storm up the steps, throw my shoes in the closet, jump into bed, slap her on the ass and shout, 'WHO'S HORNY'..." and she acts like she is asleep every time !!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Sun Feb 20, 2005 3:50 pm

Snow White and the Seven Dwarfs are roaming in the forest when they come across a lake. The water was enticing and Snow White decides to take a bath. So she tells the Dwarfs to turn around while she is taking a bath in the lake. The Dwarfs protest vehemently because they want to take a bath, too. Snow White relents and says, "When I get into the water and you hear the splash, you can turn around." Snow White undresses and as she is about to jump into the water, at that very moment, she is startled by a frog who jumps into the water before she can. The moment the Dwarfs hear the SPLASH, they turn around and see Snow White standing NAKED. Now, given that this incident is an idea for a TV ad, what product is being advertised?
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Postby Mozy » Sun Feb 20, 2005 3:58 pm

beer :D
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Sun Feb 20, 2005 7:01 pm

feritflame wrote:beer :D


nope.
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Postby Mozy » Sun Feb 20, 2005 7:14 pm

porno movie?

is this a scam to raise your post total, because i have your ass beat, and now that im passed you theres no looking back :twisted:
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Feb 21, 2005 11:24 am

porno movie

nope.

Its a rejected advertisement for 'Seven up'

As to the post totals, I really couldn't care less... sorry to disappoint you, bud. Post totals are not the center of my universe. I don't take 4 or 5 to answer my own questions, or use a couple just to quote myself.

have a nice day.
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Postby mattola » Wed Feb 23, 2005 1:25 pm

A group of kindergartners were trying very hard to become accustomed to the first grade. The biggest hurdle they faced was that the teacher insisted on NO baby talk! You need to use 'Big People' words," she was always reminding them.

She asked John what he had done over the weekend?

"I went to visit my Nana."

No, you went to visit your GRANDMOTHER. Use Big People' words!"

She then asked Mitchell what he had done

"I took a ride on a choo-choo."

She said "No, you took a ride on a TRAIN. You must remember to use 'Big People' words."

She then asked little Alex what he had done? "I read a book," he replied.

That's WONDERFUL!" the teacher said. "What book did you read?"

Alex thought real hard about it, then puffed out his chest with great Pride, and said, "Winnie the SHIT"
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Postby mattola » Wed Feb 23, 2005 1:40 pm

SUNDAY MORNING SEX


Upon hearing that her elderly grandfather had just passed away,
Katie went straight to her grandparent's house to visit her 95 year old
grandmother and comfort her. When she asked how her grandfather had died,
her grandmother replied, "He had a heart attack while we were
making love on Sunday morning."


Horrified, Katie told her grandmother that 2 people nearly 100 years
old having sex would surely be asking for trouble. "Oh no, my dear," replied Granny. "Many years ago, realizing our advanced age, we figured out the best time to
do it was when the church bells would start to ring. It was just the
right rhythm. Nice and slow and even. Nothing too strenuous, simply in
on the ding and out on the dong."


She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."




funny but makes me shudder .......
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Postby Mozy » Wed Feb 23, 2005 7:48 pm

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


creepy if you ask me :lol:
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Feb 24, 2005 9:07 am

She paused to wipe away a tear, and continued,
"He'd still be alive if the ice cream truck hadn't come along."


LMFAO!

Thats hilarious!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Feb 24, 2005 9:13 am

Lamoz class is full, and the training is well underway. Many couples are there learning the various aspects of childbirth. During the class, the instructor is explaining the various breathing methods to the class, and why its important to learn them - to help cope with the pain. The enevitable question is raised of what else can be done to lessen the pain. After a long discussion on various drugs available, the instructor points out that walking excersice is one of the most important things, because it helps strengthen the pelvic muscles. After critically looking over the rest of the class, she also added that a little walking excersise wouldn't hurt any of the men, either. It was at that point in the class that I asked, "Would it be OK if she carried my golf clubs as well?"
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Thu Feb 24, 2005 9:18 am

Being a man, I've never quite figured out why the sexual urge of men and women differ so much. And I never have figured out the whole Venus and Mars thing. I have never figured out why men think with their Head and women with their heart. I have never figured out why the sexual Desire gene gets thrown into a state of turmoil, when it hears the words "I do."

FOR EXAMPLE:

One evening last week, my wife and I were getting into bed. Well, the passion starts to heat up, and she eventually says "I don't Feel like it, I just want you to hold me."

I said "WHAT????!!! What was that?!"
So she says the words that every husband on the planet dreads to hear.....
"You're just not in touch with my emotional needs as a woman enough for me to satisfy your physical needs as a man." She responded to my puzzled look by saying, "Can't you Just love me for who I am and not what I do for you in the bedroom?" Realizing that nothing was going to happen that night I went to sleep.

The very next day I opted to take the day off of work to spend time with her. We went out to a nice lunch and then went shopping at a big, big unnamed department store. I walked around with her while She tried on several different very expensive outfits. She couldn't decide Which one to take so I told her we'll just buy them all. She wanted new shoes to compliment her new clothes, so I said lets get a pair for each outfit. We went on to the jewellery department where she picked out a pair of diamond earrings.

Let me tell you ... she was so excited. She must have thought I was one wave short of a shipwreck! I started to think she was testing me because she asked for a tennis bracelet when she doesn't even Know how to play tennis. I think I threw her for a loop when I said, "That's fine honey". She was almost nearing sexual satisfaction from all of the excitement.

Smiling with excited anticipation she finally said, "I think this is all dear, let's go to the cashier".
I could hardly contain myself when I blurted out, "No honey, I don't feel like it."
Her face just went completely blank as her jaw dropped with a baffled WHAT??!!!"
I then said, "Really honey! I just want you to HOLD this stuff for awhile. You're just not in touch with my financial needs as a man enough for me to satisfy your shopping needs as a woman."

And just when she had this look like she was going to kill me I added, "Why can't you just love me for who I am and not for the things I buy you?"

Apparently I'm not having sex tonight either...
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Postby mattola » Thu Feb 24, 2005 2:01 pm

A blonde enters a store that sells curtains. She tells the salesman, "I would like to buy a pair of pink curtains."

The salesman assures her that they have a large selection of pink curtains.

He shows her several patterns, but the blonde seems to be having a hard time choosing. Finally, she selects a lovely pink floral print.

The salesman asks what size curtains she needs.

The blonde replies, "Fifteen inches."

"Fifteen inches? " asks the salesman. "That sounds very small, what room are they for?"

The blonde tells him that they aren't for a room, they are for her computer monitor.

The surprised salesman replies, "But, Miss, computers do not have curtains!"

The blonde says, "Hellllooooooooo...I've got Windows!"
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