Joke Central

[Mozy]

Two Americans Boarded a Flight....

One sat in the windew seat and the other sat in the middle seat. Just before take off the canadian kicked his shoes off,wiggled his toeas and was settling in when the american in the window seat said " I think I'll get up and get a beer" "No problem" said the Canadian " I'll get if for you"

While he was gone one of the Americans picked up the Canadians shoe and spat in it. When he returned with the beer the other american said "That looks good, I think I'll have one too" Again the Canadian obligingly went to fetch it and while he was gone the other American spat in his other shoe.

THe Canadian returned to his seat, they all sat back and enjoyed the flight. As the flight was landing the Canadian slipped his feet back in his shoes and immediatley knew what had happened. "Why does it have to be this way?" he asked " How long must this go on? This fighting between our nations? This Hatred? This animosity? This spitting in shoes and pissing in beers?

[Mozy]

One for the dillusioned

Failed in business ...1831
Lost election for legislation ...1832
Ffailed again at business ...1834
Sweetheart died ...1835
Nervous Breakdown ...1836
Lost second political race ...1838
Defeated for congress ...1843
Defeated for congress ...1846
Defeated for congress ...1848
Defeated for US Senate ...1855
Defeated for vice president ...1856
Defeated for US Senate ...1858
Electected President ...1860


Abraham Lincoln

[Madcombinepilot]

There is an example of never giving up hope.

So, I wonder what good things happened to him during that time....

[Mozy]

Fart Football...

An old married coupl no sooner hit the pillows when the old man passes gas adn says "Seven points." His wife rolls over and says "What in the world was that?" The old man replied "It's fart footbal" A few minutes later his wife lets one go and says "Touchdown, tie score." Abotu five minutes later the old man lets another one go and says "Aha im in the lead 14 to 7." Not to be outdone the wife rips out another one and says " Touchdown, tie score" Five seconds go by and she lets out a squeaker "Feild goal, i lead 17 to 14" Now the pressuer is on the old man . He refuses to get beaten by a woman so he strains really hard. Since defeat is totally unacceptable he gives it everything hes got and accidentally poops in bed. The wife says "What the hell was that!?!?" The old man says "Half time, switch sides"

[mattola]

Joke of the Year



























ready for it






















ready




















almost there













... here it is


the joke of the year is..... the fact the NHL is holding back from calling it a season and are still meeting the NHLPA today.......

what a joke... hardy......har......har........

[Madcombinepilot]

the fact the NHL is holding back from calling it a season and are still meeting the NHLPA today.......

In a twisted kinda way that IS funny

[Mozy]

the joke of the year is..... the fact the NHL is holding back from calling it a season and are still meeting the NHLPA today.......

no kidding, what gives, they said the were gonna do it tuesday and then....





under the title "Breaking News"





NHL postpones tuesdays meeting.....till wednesday....





wow, and this comes as a surprise why, i mean they did it with the last d-day set why not do it again

[mattola]

Oops didnt mean to highjack it as CBA discussion. was trying to find some humour in this bleak time.... thanks guys for keeping this thread alive

[Jovorock]

Twelve Truths

12. Life is sexually transmitted.

11. Good health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die.

10. Men have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you don't see him excited,
make him a sandwich!

9. Give a person a fish and you feed them for a day; teach a person to use
the internet and they won't bother you for weeks.

8. Some people are like Slinkies. . . not really good for anything, but you
can't help but smile when you see one tumble down the stairs.

7. Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of
nothing.

6. Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing.

5. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to
criticism.

4. Why does a slight tax increase cost you two hundred dollars and a
substantial tax cut saves you thirty cents?

3. In the 60's, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is
weird and people take Prozac to make it normal.

2. Politics is supposed to be the second oldest profession. I have come to
realize that it bears a very close resemblance to the first.

1. Many terrorists come to America legally and hang around on expired Visas
(some for as long as 10-15 years). At Blockbuster you're two days late with a
video rental and those people are all over you. I think we should put
Blockbuster in charge of US Immigration.

[Mozy]

Critically acclaimed

The new ten commandments --FeritFlame, Canucks Corner poster and hockey enthusiast

[Madcombinepilot]

This is amusing.

http://www.sailinganarchy.com/general/2 ... l_test.htm

[Mozy]

hhehehe

[Madcombinepilot]

Tom did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly man dressed in a white robe standing in front of his bed.

"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?...and who are you?" he asked.

"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St. Peter, and you are in heaven."

"WHAT! Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die! I'm too young," said Tom. "I want you to send me back immediately."

"It's not that easy", said St.Peter. "You can only return as a dog or a hen. The choice is your own."

Tom thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad. "I want to return as a hen," Tom replied.

And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But now he felt like his rear end was gonna blow. Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen St. Peter told me about," he said. "How do you like being a hen?"

"Well, OK I guess, but it feels like my ass is about to explode."

"Oh that!" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on. You need to lay an egg."

"How do I do that?" Tom asked.

"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."

Tom clucked twice and pushed more than he was good for, and then 'plop' an egg was on the ground. "Wow" Tom said. "That felt really good!" So he clucked again and squeezed. And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground. The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:

"Tom, for Christ's sake! Wake up! You're shittin' all over the bed!"

[Mozy]

Some Bumper Stickers....

A fine is a tax for doing bad, a tax is a fine for doing well

A bartender is just a pharmacist with a limited inventory

A fool and his money are soon partying

A man is not complete untill he is married -- then he is finished

According to my calculations the problem doesnt exist

Before giving someone a peice of your mind make sure you have enough to spare

I smile because i dont know what is going on

Humpty Dumpty was pushed!

[nucks_girl]

Three men were sitting together bragging about how they had given their new wives duties.

Terry had married a woman from America, and bragged that he had told his wife she was going to do all the dishes and house cleaning that needed done at their house. He said that it took a couple days but on the third day he came home to a clean house and the dishes were all washed and put away.

Jimmie had married a woman from Austrailia. He bragged that he had given his wife orders that she was to do all the cleaning, dishes, and the cooking. He told them that the first day he didn't see any results, but the next day it was better. By the third day, his house was clean, the dishes were done, and he had a huge dinner on the table.

The third man had married a Canadian girl. He boasted that he told her that her duties were to keep the house cleaned, dishes washed, lawn mowed, laundry washed and hot meals on the table for every meal. He said the first day he didn't see anything, the second day he didn't see anything, but by the third day most of the swelling had gone down and he could see a little out of his left eye. Enough to fix himself a bite to eat, load the dishwasher, and call a landscaper.

God Bless Canadian Women

Just for you NG

thanks MCP, i've been busy, but i came out of the woodwork (a bit late) just to read your joke! made my day!