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Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:50 pm
good one matty
Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:52 pm
Brendan Shanahan was trying to choose which of his three girlfriends to marry, so he gave each one $5,000 to see how they would spend it.
The first spent hers on a makeover, clothes, a new hairdo, manicure, pedicure, the works, and tells Shanahan, "I spent the money so I could look pretty for you because I love you so much."
The second one went out and bought new golf clubs, a CD player, a television, and a stereo and gives them to Shanahan. She says, "I bought these gifts for you with the money because I love you so much."
The third one takes the $5000 and invests it in the stock market, doubles her investment, returns the $5000 to Shanahan and reinvests the rest. She says, "I am investing the rest of the money for our future because I love you so much."
Shanahan thought long and hard about how each of the women spent the money, and decided to marry the one with the biggest tits.
Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:53 pm
A man walked into the produce section of his local supermarket and asked
to buy half a heaf of lettuce. The boy working in that department told
him that they only sold whole heads of lettuce.
The man was insistent that they boy ask his manager about the matter.
Walking into the back room, the boy said to his manager, "Some a-hole
wants to buy half a head of lettuce." As he finished his sentence, he
turned to find the man standing right behind him, so he added "And this
gentleman kindly offered to buy the other half."
The manager approved the deal and the man went on his way.
Later the manager found the boy and said "I was impressed with the way you
got yourself out of that situation earlier. We like people who think on
their feet here. Where are you from son?"
"Canada, sir" the boy replied.
"Well, why did you leave Canada," the manager asked.
The boy said "Sir, there's nothing but whores and hockey players up
"Really!" said the manager. "My wife is from Canada."
The boy replied, "No kidding??? Who did she play for?"
Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:55 pm
I doubt it but...
TOP 10 REASONS HOCKEY IS BETTER THAN SEX...
10. YOU GO IN 1-2 MINUTE SHIFTS
9. THE PUCK IS ALWAYS HARD
8. THE PROTECTIVE EQUIPMENT IS REUSABLE
7. IT LASTS A FULL HOUR
6. YOU KNOW YOU ARE FINISHED WHEN THE BUZZER SOUNDS
5. YOUR PARENTS CHEER WHEN YOU SCORE
4. A 2 ON 1 OR 3 ON 1 IS NOT UNCOMMON
3. IT IS LEGAL TO PLAY PROFESSIONALLY
2. YOU CAN COUNT ON IT AT LEAST TWICE A WEEK
1. PERIODS ONLY LAST 20 MINUTES
Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 5:55 pm
Two boys are playing hockey on a pond in a park in Toronto, when one is attacked by a rabid Rottweiler. Thinking quickly, the other boy takes his stick, wedges it down the dogs collar and twists,breaking the dogs neck. A reporter who was strolling by sees the incident,and rushes over to interview the boy. "Young Leaves Fan Saves Friend From Vicious Animal," he starts writing in his notebook. "But I'm not a Leaves fan," the little hero replied. "Sorry, since we are in Toronto, I just assumed you were." said the reporter and starts again. "Little Jays Fan Rescues Friend From Horrific Attack" hecontinued writing in his notebook. "I'm not a Jays fan either," the boy said. "I assumed everyone in Toronto was either for the Leaves or Jays fan."What team do you root for?" the reporter asked. "I'm a Montreal Canadiens fan." the child said. The reporter starts a new sheet in his notebook and writes, "Little French Bastard from Montreal Kills Beloved Family Pet.
Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:00 pm
Mario Lemieux, Mats Sundin and Wayne Gretzky are standing before God at the throne of Heaven. God looks at them and says, "Before granting you a place at my side, I must first ask you what you believe in." Addressing Lemieux first he asks, "What do you believe?" Mario looks God in the eye and states passionately, "I believe Hockey to be the food of life. Nothing else brings such unbridled joy to so many people from Moscow to the bright lights of New York. I have devoted my life to ringing such joy to people who watch us and support their team." God looks up and offers Mario the seat to his left. He then turns to Mats Sundin, "And you, Mats, what do you believe?" Mats stands tall and proud, "I believe courage, honour and passion are the fundamentals to life and I've spent my whole playing career providing a living embodiment of these traits." God, moved by the passion of the speech offers Mats the seat to his right. Finally, he turns to Wayne Gretzky, "And you, Wayne, what do you believe?" "I believe," says Gretzky, "You're sitting in my seat!"
Posted: Fri Jan 21, 2005 6:02 pm
Two guys from Ottawa die and wake up in hell. The devil stops in to check on them and sees them dressed in parkas, mittens and toques warming themselves around the fire. The devil asks, "Isn't it hot enough for you?" They reply, "'Well, we're from Canada, the land of snow and ice and cold. We're just happy for a chance to warm up a little bit eh". The devil decides they aren't miserable enough and turns up the heat. The next morning, there they are, still in parkas, toques and mittens. The devil asks again, "It's awfully hot down here, can't you guys feel it?" Again they reply, "Well, like we told ya, we're from Canada, land of ice and snow, and we're just happy for a chance to warm up a little, eh." This gets the devil steamed up. He cranks the heat up as high as it will go. People are wailing and screaming. He finds the two Canadians in light jackets, grilling sausages and drinking beer. The devil is astonished. "Everyone down here is in misery, and you two seem to be enjoying yourselves." The two Canadians reply, "We don't get much warm weather in Ottawa. We've just got to have a cook-out when the weather is THIS nice." The devil is furious, and decides to turn all the heat off in hell. The next morning, icicles are everywhere, people are unable to do anything but wail, moan and gnash their teeth. The devil smiles. He finds the two Canadians back in their parkas, toques and mittens. But now they are jumping up and down, cheering, yelling and screaming like mad men! The Devil is dumbfounded. "When I turn up the heat you're happy. Now it's freezing and you're still happy. What is wrong with you two?" The two guys from Ottawa look at the devil in surprise, "Don't you know? If Hell freezes over, it must mean the Sens have won the Stanley Cup!"
Posted: Sat Jan 22, 2005 11:30 am
great ferrit, your last jokes were the best i heard in a long time. cheers.
(maybe because of the lack of something we're all missing
Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:17 pm
A flat-chested young lady went to Dr Smith for advice about enlarging her breasts. He told her, "Everyday when you get out of the shower, rub your nipples and say, "Scooby doobie doobies, I want bigger boobies".
So she did this faithfully for several months, and it worked! She grew great boobs!
One morning she was running late and when she was on the bus she realized she had forgotten her morning ritual. At this point she loved her new boobs and didn't want to lose them. So she got up,right in the middle of the bus, and sain, "Scooby doobie doobies I want bigger boobies."
A guy was sitting nearby and asked her, "Do you go to Dr. Smith by any chance?"
"Why yes, I do. How did you know?"
He leaned toward her and whispered, "Hickory dickory dock".
Posted: Sun Jan 23, 2005 7:18 pm
How was your game, dear?" asked Jack's wife Tracy.
"Well, I was hitting pretty well, but my eyesight's gotten so bad I couldn't
see where the ball went," he answered.
"But you're 75 years old, Jack!" admonished his wife, "Why don't you take my
brother Scott along?"
"But he's 85 and doesn't play golf anymore," protested Jack.
"But he's got perfect eyesight. He would watch the ball for you," Tracy
The next day Jack teed off with Scott looking on. Jack swung and the ball
disappeared down the middle of the fairway. "Do you see it?" asked Jack.
"Yup," Scott answered.
"Well, where is it?" yelled Jack, peering off into the distance.
Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:09 pm
A man escapes from prison where he has been for 15 years. He breaks
into a house to look for money and guns and finds a young couple in bed. He orders the guy out of bed and ties him to a chair.
While tying the girl to the bed he gets on top of her, kisses her neck, then
gets up and goes to the bathroom. While he's in there, the husband tells
his wife: "Listen, this guys an escaped convict, look at his clothes! He has
probably spent lots of time in jail and hasn't seen a woman inyears. I
saw how he kissed your neck. If he wants sex, don't resist, don'tcomplain,
do whatever he tells you. Satisfy him no matter how much he nauseates you.
This guy is probably very dangerous if he gets angry, he'll kill us. Be
strong, honey, I love you."
To which the wife responded, "he wasn't kissing my neck, he was whispering
in my ear. He told me he was gay, thought you were cute, and asked if we
had any Vaseline. I told him it was in the bathroom.
Be strong, honey, I love you too."
Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:33 pm
How do you get European skaters into the corners? Start a fight at center ice!
Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:34 pm
After one last concussion, Eric Lindros needs to find a new job. He goes and applies at the first place he finds. Unfortunatly his mom wasnt there to help him fill out the application form for a job. He promptly filled the columns titled, 'NAME, AGE, ADDRESS,' etc. Then came the column 'SEX'. He was not sure how to answer this particular question on the application. After much thought, he wrote 'TWICE A WEEK.' On seeing this on his application form, he was told that it was wrong and what they wanted it to be filled was either 'MALE' or 'FEMALE'. Again, Eric thought for a long time before coming up with the answer 'PREFERABLY FEMALES.'
Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:36 pm
A Toronto Maple Leaf fan, a Red Wings fan and a Boston Bruins fan were all in Saudi Arabia, sharing a smuggled crate of alcohol. All of the sudden Saudi police rushed in and arrested them. The mere possession of alcohol is a severe offence in Saudi Arabia, so for the terrible crime of actually being caught consuming the alcohol, they were sentenced to death! However, after many months and with the help of very good lawyers, they were able to successfully appeal their sentence down to life imprisonment. By a stroke of luck, it was a Saudi national holiday the day their trial finished, and the extremely benevolent Sheikh decided they could be released after receiving just 20 lashes each of the whip. As they were preparing for their punishment, the Sheikh suddenly said: "It's my first wife's birthday today, and she has asked me to allow each of you one wish before your whipping." The Boston Bruin fan was first in line (he had drunk the least), so he thought about this for a while and then said: "Please tie a pillow to my back." This was done, but the pillow only lasted 10 lashes before the whip went through. The Boston Bruin fan had to be carried away bleeding and crying with pain when the punishment was done. The Red Wings fan was next up (he almost finished a half-can), and after watching the scene, said: "All Right! Please fix two pillows on my back." But even two pillows could only take 15 lashes before the whip went through again, sending the Detroit fan crying. The Toronto Maple Leaves fan was the last one up (he had finished off the crate), but before he could say anything, the Sheikh turned to him and said: "You support the greatest team in the world, your city has some of the best and most loyal hockey fans in the world. For this, you may have two wishes!" "Thank you, your most Royal highness", the Leaves fan replies. "In recognition of your kindness, my first wish is that you give me not 20, but 100 lashes." "Not only are you an honourable, handsome and powerful man, you are also very brave," the Sheikh says with an admiring look on his face. "If 100 lashes is what you desire, then so be it. And your second wish? What is it to be?" the Sheikh asks. "Tie the Red Wings fan to my back."
Posted: Tue Jan 25, 2005 12:38 pm
On a tour of Florida, the Pope took a couple of days off his itinerary to visit the coastline on an impromptu sightseeing trip. His 4X4 Popemobile was driving along the beautiful shoreline in an area where Canadian tourists typically inhabit when there was an enormous commotion heard just off the headland. He drove closer to see what it was. Upon approaching the scene, he saw a man in the water wearing a Toronto Maple Leaf hockey jersey, struggling frantically to free himself from the jaws of a 25-foot shark. At that moment, a speedboat containing three men wearing Senators jerseys, roared into view from around the point. Immediately, one of the men took aim and fired a harpoon into the shark's ribs, immobilizing it instantly. The other two reached out and pulled the Toronto fan from the water and then, using long clubs, beat the shark to death. They then bundled the bleeding, semi-conscious man into the boat along with the dead shark and prepared for a hasty retreat when they heard frantic shouting from the shore. It was the Pope summoning them to the beach. After they reached shore, the Pope praised them for the rescue and said, "I give you my blessing for your brave actions. I had heard that there was bitter hatred in your country between the fans of the Senators and the Leaves,but now I have seen with my own eyes this is not true. I can see that your society is a truly enlightened example of true harmony and companionship and could serve as a model on which other countries, like this one, could follow". He blessed them all and drove off in a cloud of dust. As he departed, the harpooner asked the others, "Who was that?" "That," one answered, "was his Holiness the Pope. He is in direct contact with God and has access to all of God's wisdom". "Well," the harpooner replied, "he doesn't know a thing about shark fishing. Is the bait holding up okay, or do we need to get another one?"