http://sports.espn.go.com/mlb/news/story?id=1999622
thats a slap in the face
Joke Central
Moderator: Referees
-
Madcombinepilot
- MVP
- Posts: 4242
- Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
- Location: Saskatoon, Sk.
A blonde heard that milk baths would make her beautiful. She left a note for her milkman to leave 15 gallons of milk.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant l.5 gallons so he knocked on the
door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean l.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it in my eyes.
When the milkman read the note, he felt there must be a mistake. He thought she probably meant l.5 gallons so he knocked on the
door to clarify the point. The blonde came to the door and the milkman said, "I found your note to leave 15 gallons of milk. Did you mean l.5 gallons?"
The blonde said, "I want 15 gallons. I'm going to fill my bathtub up with milk and take a milk bath."
The milkman asked, "Do you want it Pasteurized?" The blonde said, "No, just up to my tits, I can splash it in my eyes.
-
Madcombinepilot
- MVP
- Posts: 4242
- Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
- Location: Saskatoon, Sk.
6 Corporate Lessons
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the hower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob from next door," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk, in time, with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he again let his hand slide up her leg. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Corporate Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat uncovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story: 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
Corporate Lesson 1
A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower when the doorbell rings. After a few seconds of arguing over which one should go and answer the doorbell, the wife gives up, quickly wraps herself up in a towel and runs downstairs. When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbor. Before she says a word, Bob says, "I'll give you $800 to drop that towel that you have on." After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob. After a few seconds, Bob hands her 800 dollars and leaves. Confused, but excited about her good fortune, the woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs. When she gets back to the bathroom, her husband asks from the hower, "Who was that?" "It was Bob from next door," she replies. "Great!" the husband says, "Did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?"
Moral of the story: If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk, in time, with your stakeholders, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.
Corporate Lesson 2
A priest was driving along and saw a nun on the side of the road. He stopped and offered her a lift which she accepted. She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her habit to open and reveal a lovely leg. The priest had a look and nearly had an accident. After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg. The nun looked at him and immediately said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" The priest was flustered and apologized profusely. He forced himself to remove his hand. Changing gear, he again let his hand slide up her leg. The nun once again said, "Father, remember Psalm 129?" Once again the priest apologized "Sorry, Sister, but the flesh is weak." Arriving at the convent, the nun got out gave him a meaningful glance and went on her way. On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to retrieve a Bible and looked up Psalm 129. It Said, "Go forth and seek, further up you will find glory."
Moral of the story: Always be well informed in your job, or you might miss great opportunity.
Corporate Lesson 3
A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp. They rub it and a Genie comes out in a puff of smoke. The Genie says, "I usually only grant three wishes, so I'll give each of you just one." "Me first! Me first!" says the admin clerk. "I want to be in the Bahamas, driving a speedboat, without a care in the world." Poof! She's gone. In astonishment, "Me next! Me next!" says the sales rep. "I want to be in Hawaii, relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of pina coladas, and the love of my life." Poof! He's gone. "OK, you're up," the Genie says to the manager. The manager says, "I want those two back in the office after lunch."
Moral of the story: Always let your boss have the first say.
Corporate Lesson 4
A crow was sitting on a tree, doing nothing all day. A small rabbit saw the crow, and asked him, "Can I also sit like you and do nothing all day long?" The crow answered: "Sure, why not." So, the rabbit sat on the ground below the crow, and rested. All of a sudden a fox appeared, jumped on the rabbit and ate it.
Moral of the story: To be sitting and doing nothing, you must be sitting very, very high up.
Corporate Lesson 5
A turkey was chatting with a bull. "I would love to be able to get to the top of that tree," sighed the turkey, but I haven't got the energy." "Well, why don't you nibble on some of my droppings?" replied the bull. "They're packed with nutrients." The turkey pecked at a lump of dung and found that it actually gave him enough strength to reach the lowest branch of the tree. The next day, after eating some more dung, he reached the second branch. Finally after a fourth night, there he was proudly perched at the top of the tree. Soon he was promptly spotted by a farmer, who shot the turkey out of the tree.
Moral of the story: Bullshit might get you to the top, but it won't keep you there.
Corporate Lesson 6
A little bird was flying south for the winter. It was so cold the bird froze and fell to the ground in a large field. While it was lying there, a cow came by and dropped some dung on it. As the frozen bird lay there in the pile of cow dung, it began to realize how warm it was. The dung was actually thawing him out! He lay there all warm and happy, and soon began to sing for joy. A passing cat heard the bird singing and came to investigate. Following the sound, the cat uncovered the bird under the pile of cow dung, and promptly dug him out and ate him.
Moral of the story: 1) Not everyone who shits on you is your enemy. 2) Not everyone who gets you out of shit is your friend. 3) And when you're in deep shit, it's best to keep your mouth shut!
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with until you understand I am in charge.
-
Kickassguy
- AHL Prospect
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2005 2:26 am
- Contact:
A time-honoured blonde joke:
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror. The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear."
The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished.
Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared.
Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Poof, she disappeared.
A blonde, a brunette, and a red head all went to an antique store and saw a beautiful old mirror. The lady working at the store said, "This is a magic mirror. You must say something true. And if it's true, your wish will come true. If it's not true, you will disappear."
The blonde, red head, and brunette decided to buy the mirror, and brought it home with them. First the red head walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the most beautiful girl in the world." Poof, she vanished.
Then the brunette walked up to the mirror and said, "I think I'm the smartest girl in the world." Poof, she disappeared.
Then the blonde walked up to the mirror and said, "I think ... " Poof, she disappeared.
-
Kickassguy
- AHL Prospect
- Posts: 7
- Joined: Sun Jan 09, 2005 2:26 am
- Contact:
St. Peter and Satan were having an argument one day about baseball. Satan proposed a game that would be played on neutral grounds between a select team from the Heavenly Host and the devil's own hand-picked boys.
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But I hope that you realize that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right." Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
"Very well," said the gatekeeper of Heaven. "But I hope that you realize that we've got all the good players and the best coaches."
"I know, and that's all right." Satan answered unperturbed. "We've got all the umpires."
-
Cookie La Rue
- MVP
- Posts: 2002
- Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 10:57 pm
- Location: 50° 10' North / 8° 34' East
3 mice arguing at a bar who's the coolest:
The first one says:"When i see a trap i take the cheese with my left hand, catch the bail with my other and do a workout."
The second says:"That's nothing. When i see rat poison i take a razor blade, reduce it to fine powder and pull it through my nose."
All of sudden the third is leaving the bar saying:"Oh you 2 are boring me. I'm going home now to f@%$ the cat."
The first one says:"When i see a trap i take the cheese with my left hand, catch the bail with my other and do a workout."
The second says:"That's nothing. When i see rat poison i take a razor blade, reduce it to fine powder and pull it through my nose."
All of sudden the third is leaving the bar saying:"Oh you 2 are boring me. I'm going home now to f@%$ the cat."
"Every dog has its day." - CC Hockey Pool Champion 2004 & 2013 'Moves like Lenarduzzi'
A man walking along a California beach was deep in prayer. Suddenly the sky clouded above his head and, in a booming voice, the Lord said,
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will send you one miracle."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge."
"Because you have TRIED to be faithful to me in all ways, I will send you one miracle."
The man said, "Build a bridge to Hawaii so I can drive over anytime I want."
The Lord said, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the enormous challenges for that kind of undertaking. The supports required to reach the bottom of the Pacific! The concrete and steel it would take! It will nearly exhaust several natural resources. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time and think of something that would honor and glorify me."
The man thought about it for a long time. Finally he said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand my wife. I want to know how she feels inside, what she's thinking when she gives me the silent treatment, why she cries, what she means when she says 'nothing's wrong,' and how I can make a woman truly happy."
The Lord replied, "You want two lanes or four on that bridge."
-
Cookie La Rue
- MVP
- Posts: 2002
- Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 10:57 pm
- Location: 50° 10' North / 8° 34' East
-
Madcombinepilot
- MVP
- Posts: 4242
- Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
- Location: Saskatoon, Sk.
A big UK blue chip company recently hired several cannibals. "You are all part of our team now," said the HR manager during the welcoming briefing. "You get all the usual benefits and you can go to the cafeteria forsomething to eat, but please don't eat any of the other employees."
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat someone they would miss!"
The cannibals promised they would not.
Four weeks later their boss remarked, "You're all working very hard, and I'm satisfied with you. However, one of our secretaries has disappeared. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals all shook their heads no.
After the boss had left, the leader of the cannibals said to the others, "Which one of you idiots ate the secretary?" A hand rose hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals continued, "You fool! For four weeks we've been eating Managers and no one noticed anything, but nooooo, you had to go and eat someone they would miss!"
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with until you understand I am in charge.
-
Madcombinepilot
- MVP
- Posts: 4242
- Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
- Location: Saskatoon, Sk.
This is not a joke, its just plain funny
http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=yougotownedwmv
Darwinism at it's best!
http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=yougotownedwmv
Darwinism at it's best!
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with until you understand I am in charge.
sheer brillianceMadcombinepilot wrote:This is not a joke, its just plain funny
http://www.putfile.com/media.php?n=yougotownedwmv
Darwinism at it's best!
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch
-
Madcombinepilot
- MVP
- Posts: 4242
- Joined: Mon Aug 09, 2004 9:54 am
- Location: Saskatoon, Sk.
Thank You For Shopping @ Wal-Mart
One day while in line at the company cafeteria, Ron says to John behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," John replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars -- a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Ron deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Ron began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and his sperm sample for good measure.
Ron hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours! Get a lawyer!
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
One day while in line at the company cafeteria, Ron says to John behind him,
"My elbow hurts like hell. I guess I'd better see a doctor."
"Listen, you don't have to spend that kind of money," John replies. "There's a diagnostic computer down at Wal-Mart. Just give it a urine sample and the computer will tell you what's wrong and what to do about it. It takes ten seconds and costs ten dollars -- a lot cheaper than a doctor."
So Ron deposits a urine sample in a small jar and takes it to Wal-Mart. He deposits ten dollars, and the computer lights up and asks for the urine sample. He pours the sample into the slot and waits. Ten seconds later, the computer ejects a printout: You have tennis elbow. Soak your arm in warm water and avoid heavy activity. It will improve in two weeks. Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
That evening while thinking how amazing this new technology was, Ron began wondering if the computer could be fooled. He mixed some tap water, a stool sample from his dog, urine samples from his wife and daughter, and his sperm sample for good measure.
Ron hurries back to Wal-Mart, eager to check the results. He deposits ten dollars, pours in his concoction, and awaits the results. The computer prints the following:
1. Your tap water is too hard. Get a water softener.. (Aisle 9)
2. Your dog has ringworm. Bathe him with anti-fungal shampoo. (Aisle 7)
3. Your daughter has a cocaine habit. Get her into rehab.
4. Your wife is pregnant. Twins. They aren't yours! Get a lawyer!
5. If you don't stop playing with yourself, your elbow will never get better.
Thank you for shopping @ Wal-Mart.
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with until you understand I am in charge.
Dear Dad,
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard.
With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would
like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.
Love,
Your $on
The Reply:
Dear Son,
I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even
an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a
NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.
Love,
Dad
Did you see the pool? They flipped the bitch