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The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Mar 28, 2005 11:34 am

Billy was driving home from one of his business trips in Northern Arizona when he saw an elderly Navajo man walking on the side of the road. As the trip was a long and quiet one, he stopped the car and asked the Navajo man if he would like a ride. With a word or two of thanks, the old man got in the car. After resuming the journey and a bit of small talk, the Navajo man noticed a brown bag on the seat next to Billy. "What's in the bag?" asked the old man.
Billy looked down at the brown bag and said, "It's a bottle of wine. Got it for my
wife."
The Navajo man was silent for a moment, and then speaking with the quiet wisdom of an elder said, "Good trade."
The 'Chain of Command' is the chain I am going to beat you with until you understand I am in charge.
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Postby mattola » Fri Apr 01, 2005 4:00 pm

A woman enrolled in nursing school and was attending an anatomy class. The subject of the day was involuntary muscles.

The instructor, hoping to perk the students up a bit asked the woman,
"Do you know what your asshole does when you're having an orgasm"?

"Sure", she said, "he's at home taking care of the kids."!!!!
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Fri Apr 01, 2005 4:02 pm

Im a Goalie like my father before me. Goalies are 3 sandwiches shy of a picnic from the moment primitive man lurched erect he survived on a principle that when something hard & potentially lethal comes at you at great velocity get the hell out of its path


LOL, nice. I just noticed that Matty. I like it!
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Postby Jovorock » Tue Apr 05, 2005 8:03 am

> > >>>> A woman and a baby were in the doctor's examining room, waiting
for
> > >>> the doctor to come in for the baby's first exam.
> > >>>
> > >>> The doctor arrived, examined the baby, checked his weight, and
> > >>> being a little concerned, asked if the baby was breast-fed or
> > >>> bottle-fed.
> > >>>
> > >>> "Breast-fed" she replied.
> > >>>
> > >>> "Well, strip down to your waist," the doctor ordered.
> > >>>
> > >>> She did. He pinched her nipples, then pressed, kneaded, and rubbed
> > >>> both breasts for a while in a detailed examination. Motioning to
her
> > >>> to
> > >>> get dressed, he said, "No wonder this baby is underweight. You
> > >>> don't have any milk."
> > >>>
> > >>> "I know," she said, "I'm his Grandma, but I'm glad I came.
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Apr 05, 2005 4:14 pm

Had this e-mailed to me and had a good laugh from it

Some of these people are unbelievable idiots.

Number One Idiot of 2004

I am a medical student currently doing a rotation in toxicology at the poison control center. Today, this woman called in very upset because she caught her little daughter eating ants. I quickly reassured her that the ants are not harmful and there would be no need to bring her daughter into the hospital. She calmed down and at the end of the conversation happened to mention that she gave her daughter some ant poison to eat in order to kill the ants. I told her that she better bring her daughter into the emergency room right away. Here's your sign, lady. Wear it with pride.

Number Two Idiot of 2004

Early this year, some Boeing employees on the airfield decided to steal a life raft from one of the 747's. They were successful in getting it out of the plane and home. Shortly after they took it for a float on the river, they noticed a Coast Guard helicopter coming towards them. It turned out that the chopper was homing in on the emergency locator beacon that activated when the raft was inflated. They are no longer employed at Boeing. Here's your sign, guys. Don't get it wet; the paint might run.

Number Three Idiot of 2004

A true story out of San Francisco: A man, wanting to rob a downtown Bank of America, walked into the branch and wrote, "this is a stickup. Put all your muny in this bag." While standing in line, waiting to give his note to the teller, he began to worry that someone had seen him write the note and might call the police before he reached the teller's window. So he left the Bank of America and crossed the street to Wells Fargo. After waiting a few minutes in line, he handed his note to the Wells Fargo teller. She read it and, surmising from his spelling errors that he wasn't the brightest light in the harbor, told him that she could not accept his stickup note because it was written on a Bank of America deposit slip and that he would either have to fill out a Wells Fargo deposit slip or go back to Bank of America. Looking somewhat defeated, the man said, "OK," and left. He was arrested a few minutes later, as he was waiting in line back at Bank of America. Don't bother with this guy's sign. He probably couldn't read it anyway.

Number Four Idiot of 2004

A guy walked into a little corner store with a shotgun and demanded all of the cash from the cash drawer. After the cashier put the cash in a bag, the robber saw a bottle of Scotch that he wanted behind the counter on the shelf. He told the cashier to put it in the bag as well, but the cashier refused and said, "because I don't believe you are over 21." The robber said he was, but the clerk still refused to give it to him because he didn't believe him. At this point, the robber took his driver's license out of his wallet and gave it to the clerk. The clerk looked it over and agreed that the man was in fact over 21 and he put the Scotch in the bag. The robber then ran from the store with his loot. The cashier promptly called the police and gave the name and address of the robber that he got off the license. They arrested the robber two hours later. This guy definitely needs a sign!

Idiot Number Five of 2004

A pair of Michigan robbers entered a record shop nervously waving revolvers. The first one shouted, "Nobody move!" When his partner moved, the startled first bandit shot him. This guy doesn't need a sign; he probably figured it out himself.

Idiot Number Six of 2004

Seems this guy wanted some beer pretty badly. He decided that he'd just throw a cinder block through a liquor store window, grab some booze, and run. So, he lifted the cinder block and heaved it over his head at the window. The cinder block bounced back and hit the would-be thief on the head, knocking him unconscious. It seems the liquor store window was made of Plexiglas. The whole event was caught on videotape. Oh, that smarts. Give him his sign.

Idiot Number Seven of 2004

Ann Arbor: The Ann Arbor News crime column reported that a man walked into a Burger King in Ypsilanti, Michigan at 12:50 AM, flashed a gun and demanded cash. The clerk turned him down because he said he couldn't open the cash register without a food order. When the man ordered onion rings, the clerk said they weren't available for breakfast. The man, frustrated, walked away. Sign please.

Please note that all of the above people are allowed to vote (and breed). Scary, isn't it?
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Postby mattola » Fri Apr 08, 2005 10:13 am

got this from a female coworker

Marriage - Part I

Typical macho man married typical good-looking lady and after the
wedding, he laid down the following rules:

"I'll be home when I want, if I want and at what time I want and I
don't expect any hassle from you. I expect a great dinner to be on
the table unless I tell you that I won't be home for dinner. I'll
go hunting, fishing, boozing and card-playing when I want with my
old buddies and don't you give me a hard time about it. Those are
my rules. Any comments?"

His new bride said, "No, that's fine with me. Just understand that
there will be sex here at seven o'clock every night .........
whether you're here or not."



************************************
Marriage (Part II)

Husband and wife had a bitter quarrel on the day of their 40th
wedding anniversary! The husband yells, "When you die, I'm getting
you a headstone that reads: "Here Lies My Wife - Cold As Ever "
"Yeah?" she replies. "When you die, I'm getting you a headstone
that reads: "Here Lies My Husband - Stiff At Last"


******************************
Marriage (Part III)

Husband (a doctor) and his wife are having a fight at the breakfast
table. Husband gets up in a rage and says, "And you are no good in
bed either," and storms out of the house. After sometime, he
realizes he was nasty and decides to make amends and rings her up.
She comes to the phone after many rings, and the irritated husband
says, "what took you so long to answer the phone?" She says, "I
was in bed." "In bed this early, doing what?" "Getting a second
opinion!"


******************************************
Marriage (Part IV)

A man has six children and is very proud of his achievement. He
is so proud of himself, that he starts calling his wife, "Mother of
Six" in spite of her objections. One night, they go to a party.
The man decides that it's time to go home and wants to find out if
his wife is ready to leave as well. He shouts at the top of his
voice, "Shall we go home 'Mother of Six?' His wife, irritated by
her husband's lack of discretion, shouts right back, "Anytime
you're ready, Father of Four."


**************************************

Marriage (Part V)

The Silent Treatment

A man and his wife were having some problems at home and were
giving each other the silent treatment. Suddenly, the man realized
that the next day, he would need his wife to wake him at 5:00 AM
for an early morning business flight. Not wanting to be the first
to break the silence (and LOSE), he wrote on a piece of paper,
"Please wake me at 5:00 AM." He left it where he knew she would
find it. The next morning, the man woke up, only to discover it
was 9:00 AM and he had missed his flight. Furious, he was about to
go and see why his wife hadn't wakened him, when he noticed a piece
of paper by the bed. The paper said, "It is 5:00 AM. Wake up."

Men are not equipped for these kinds of contests. God may have
created man before woman, but there is always a rough draft before
the masterpiece.
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Postby Mozy » Sun Apr 10, 2005 11:07 am

great one matty :lol:
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Logic

Postby mattola » Tue Apr 12, 2005 10:29 am

Two South Texas farmers, Jim and Bob, are sitting at their favorite bard, drinking beer. Jim turns to Rob and says, "You know, I'm tired of going through life without an education. Tomorrow I think I'll go to the community college and sign up for some classes."

Bob thinks it's a good idea, and the two leave.

The next day Jim goes down to the college and meets the dean of admissions, who signs him up for the four basic classes: math, English, history, and logic.

"Logic?" Jim says. "What's that?"

The dean says, "I'll show you. Do you own a weed-eater?"

"Yeah."

"Then logically because you own a weed-eater, I think that you have a yard."

"That's true, I do have a yard."

"I'm not done," the dean says. "Because you have a yard, I think logically that you would have a house."

"Yes, I do have a house."

"And because you have a house, I think that you might logically have a family."

"I have a family."

"I'm not done yet. Because you have a family, then logically you must have a wife."

"Yes, I do have a wife."

"And because you have a wife, then logically you must be a heterosexual."

"I am a heterosexual. That's amazing; you were able to find out all of that because I have a weed-eater." Excited to take the class now, Jim shakes the dean's hand and leaves to meet Bob at the bar.

He tells Bob about his classes, how he is signed up for math, English, history and logic.

"Logic?" Bob says, "What's that?"

Jim says, "I'll show you. Do you have a weed-eater?"

"No."

"Then you're gay."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Tue Apr 12, 2005 10:14 pm

Definition:

True bravery is arriving home stinking drunk after a
very late night out with the boys, being met at the
door and assaulted with a broom by your wife and still
having the guts to ask:

"Are you cleaning, or were you flying somewhere?'
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Postby Mozy » Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:31 pm

that ones been posted here before...
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Postby Mozy » Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:35 pm

"So let me get this straight" the prosecuter says to the defendant " you got home from work early adn found your wife in bed with a strange man" "Thats correct," says the defendant. " Upon which" continues the prosecuter, " You took out a pistol and shot your wife, killing her" "Thats correct" said the defendant. " Then my question to you is, Why did you shoot your wife and not her lover?" " It seemed easier," the defendant replied "than shooting a different man everyday!"
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Postby Mozy » Sun Apr 17, 2005 12:42 pm

Drunk Ole Mulvihill (from teh Northern Irish Clan) staggers into a Catholic church and enters teh confession box an dsiits down but says nothing. THe priest coughs a few times to get the Ole's attention but he remains silent. Finally the priest pounds three times on the wall. Finally the drunk mumbles " 'aint no use knocking, theres no paper on this side either."
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Postby Madcombinepilot » Mon Apr 18, 2005 7:16 am

Words Women Use :

FINE:
This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

FIVE MINUTES:
If she is getting dressed, this is half an hour.
Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given 5 more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

NOTHING
This is the calm before the storm. This means "something" and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with "nothing" usually end in "fine".

GO AHEAD
This is a dare, not permission, DON'T DO IT!


LOUD SIGH
Although not actually a word, the loud sigh is often misunderstood by men. A "Loud Sigh" means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you over "Nothing".

THAT'S OKAY
This is one of the most dangerous statements that woman can make to a man. "That's Okay" means that she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

THANKS
This is the least used of all words in the female vocabulary. If a woman is thanking you. Do not question it, just say you're welcome and back out of the room slowly.
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Postby jchockey » Tue Apr 19, 2005 8:45 pm

thought this was interesting.....

These are actual sports quotes said by various people throughout the world.

Oiler coach Bum Phillips: When asked by Bob Costas why he takes his wife on all the road trips, Phillips responded, "Because she is too ugly to kiss goodbye."

New Orleans Saint RB George Rogers when asked about the upcoming season:"I want to rush for 1,000 or 1,500 yards, whichever comes first."

And, upon hearing Joe Jacoby of the 'Skins say "I'd run over my own mother to win the Super Bowl," Matt Millen of the Raiders said, "To win, I'd run over Joe's mom too."

Football commentator and former player Joe Theismann 1996: "Nobody in football should be called a genius. A genius is a guy like Norman Einstein."

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."

Clemson recruit Ray Forsythe, who was ineligible as a freshman because of academic requirements: "I play football. I'm not trying to be a professor. The tests don't seem to make sense to me, measuring your brain on stuff I haven't been through in school."

Boxing promoter Dan Duva on Mike Tyson hooking up again with promoter Don King: "Why would anyone expect him to come out smarter? He went to prison for three years, not Princeton."

Stu Grimson, Chicago Blackhawks left wing, explaining why he keeps a color photo of himself above his locker: "That's so when I forget how to spell my name, I can still find my fucking clothes."

Shaquille O'Neal on whether he had visited the Parthenon during his visit to Greece: "I can't really remember the names of the clubs that we went to."

Shaquille O'Neal, on his lack of championships: "I've won at every level, except college and pro."

Lou Duva, veteran boxing trainer, on the Spartan training regime of heavyweight Andrew Golota: "He's a guy who gets up at six o'clock in the morning regardless of what time it is."

Pat Williams, Orlando Magic general manager, on his team's 7-27 record: "We can't win at home. We can't win on the road.. As general manager, I just can't figure out where else to play." (1992)

Chuck Nevitt, North Carolina State basketball player, explaining to Coach Jim Valvano why he appeared nervous at practice: "My sister's expecting a baby, and I don't know if I'm going to be an uncle or an aunt." (1982)

Tommy Lasorda , Dodger manager, when asked what terms Mexican-born pitching sensation Fernando Valenzuela might settle for in his upcoming contract negotiations: "He wants Texas back." (1981)

Darrell Royal, Texas football coach, asked if the abnormal number of Longhorn injuries that season resulted from poor physical conditioning: "One player was lost because he broke his nose. How do you go about getting a nose in condition for football?" (1966)

Mike McCormack, coach of the hapless Baltimore Colts after the team's co-captain, offensive guard Robert Pratt, pulled a hamstring running onto the field for the coin toss against St. Louis: "I'm Going to send the injured reserve players out for the toss next time." (1981)

Steve Spurrier, Florida football coach, telling Gator fans that a fire at Auburn's football dorm had destroyed 20 books: "But the real tragedy was that 15 hadn't been colored yet." (1991)

Jim Finks, New Orleans Saints G.M., when asked after a loss what he thought of the refs: "I'm not allowed to comment on lousy officiating." (1986)

Alan Kulwicki, stock car racer, on racing Saturday nights as opposed to Sunday afternoons: "It's basically the same, just darker." (1991)

Lincoln Kennedy, Oakland Raiders tackle, on his decision not to vote: "I was going to write myself in, but I was afraid I'd get shot." (1996)

Frank Layden, Utah Jazz president, on a former player: "I told him, 'Son, what is it with you. Is it ignorance or apathy?' He said, 'Coach, I don't know and I don't care.' " (1991)

Torrin Polk, University of Houston receiver, on his coach, John Jenkins: "He treats us like men. He lets us wear earrings." (1991)

Shelby Metcalf, basketball coach at Texas A&M, recounting what he told a player who received four F's and one D: "Son, looks to me like you're spending too much time on one subject." (1987)
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Postby Mozy » Wed Apr 20, 2005 7:35 am

Senior basketball player at the University of Pittsburgh: "I'm going to graduate on time, no matter how long it takes." Bill Peterson, a Florida State football coach: "You guys line up alphabetically by height." and "You guys pair up in groups of three, then line up in a circle."


maybe thats why they havent won the NCAA title ...
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