Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Re: Joke Central

Postby rats19 » Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:25 pm

^
:lol:
You are who you hang with.....
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Re: Joke Central

Postby rats19 » Fri Jan 25, 2013 12:50 pm

A little boy was waiting for his mother to come out of the grocery
Store. As he waited, he was approached by a man called Terry who asked, "Son, can
You tell me where the Post Office is?"
The little boy replied, "Sure! Just go straight down this street a
Coupla blocks and turn to your right."
Terry thanked the boy kindly and said, "I'm the new pastor in town.
I'd like for you to come to church on Sunday. I'll show you how to get to Heaven."
The little boy replied with a chuckle. "Awww, come on... You don't
Even know the way to the fucking Post Office"
:stupid:
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Re: Joke Central

Postby rats19 » Wed Jan 30, 2013 3:25 pm

The Mexican Maid


The Mexican maid asked for a pay increase.

The wife was very upset about this, and decided to talk to her about the raise. She asked: "Now Maria, why do you want a pay increase?"

Maria: "Well, Señora, there are tree reasons why I wanna increaze."
"The first is that I iron better than you."

Wife: "Who said you iron better than me?"

Maria: "Jor huzban he say so."

Wife: "Oh yeah?"

Maria: "The second reason eez that I am a better cook than you."

Wife: "Nonsense, who said you were a better cook than me?"

Maria: "Jor hozban did."

Wife, increasingly agitated: "Oh he did, did he?"

Maria: "The third reason is that I am better at sex than you in the bed."

Wife, really boiling now and through gritted teeth.
Wife: "And did my husband say that as well?"

Maria: "No Señora...."The gardener did."

Wife: "So, how much do you want?" :mex:
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Re: Joke Central

Postby CFP! » Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:17 pm

https://twitter.com/aviewfromabroad

Maybe?

No....

Is there a coin for a Tweet whore? :P
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Re: Joke Central

Postby rats19 » Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:24 pm

CFP! wrote:https://twitter.com/aviewfromabroad

Maybe?

No....

Is there a coin for a Tweet whore? :P

Adrian :mrgreen:
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Uncle dans leg » Thu Jan 31, 2013 12:28 pm

CFP! wrote:Maybe?

No....


Is that a "would you?"
I'll say why not...
nobody forks with...the jesus
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Re: Joke Central

Postby rats19 » Fri Feb 01, 2013 9:38 am

A fleeing Taliban insurgent desperate for water, was plodding through the Afghan desert when he saw something far off in the distance. Hoping to find water, he hurried toward what he hoped was an oasis, only to find a British soldier selling regimental ties.
The Taliban insurgent asked, "Do you have water?"

The soldier replied, "There is no water, the well is dry. Would you like to buy a tie instead? They are only £5."

The insurgent shouted, "You idiot infidel! I do not need your over-priced tie. I need water! I should kill you, but I must find water first!"

"OK," said the soldier, "It does not matter that you do not want to buy a tie and that you hate me. I will show you that I am bigger than that. If you continue over that hill to the east for about two miles, you will find our Sergeants' Mess. It has all the ice cold water you need. Inshallah."

Cursing him, the Taliban member staggered away over the hill.

Several hours later he staggered back, collapsed with dehydration & rasped …

"They won't let me in without a f-------g tie!
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Thu Feb 07, 2013 1:07 pm

Do You Toke? -------------------------

Lady: Do you toke?

Man: Yes

Lady: How much a day?

Man: 3- 6 joints

Lady: How much per joint?

Man: about $2-3

Lady: and how long have you been speaking to the chief?

Man: 15 years

Lady: So that's about $10,800 a year correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past15 years puts your spending at $162,000 correct?

Man: Correct

Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't toked, that money could have been put in a step-up interest savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have now bought a Ferrari?

Man: Do you toke?

Lady: No

Man: Where's your fucking Ferrari?
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Cornuck » Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:04 am

To the LAPD,

Christopher Dorner is at my ex-wife's house . You're welcome
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Tue Feb 12, 2013 11:06 am

lol
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Strangelove » Tue Feb 12, 2013 4:15 pm

Cornuck wrote:To the LAPD,

Christopher Dorner is at my ex-wife's house . You're welcome


Image
____
"I like to think that this team can get its mojo back" - Ryan Miller
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Cornuck » Tue Feb 12, 2013 4:26 pm

^ I hope that he wrote it on the back as well.
Over 40 years of pain - I just want one day of glory.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Wed Feb 20, 2013 9:58 am

At a job interview.

"What would you say was your greatest weakness?"

"Honesty."

"I don't think honesty is a weakness."

"I don't give a fuck what you think."
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby damonberryman » Tue Mar 05, 2013 3:01 pm

Aaronp18 wrote:If Livestrong is non profit why the hell do the close cost so damn much?

Maybe they'd bring in more money for cancer research if more people could afford the clothing.


How many of you heard that Lance won all this shit due to being born with a larger heart, like Secratariat? Now I am doubting the nag. My dreams are shattered. Next thing it will be no Santy Clause. I just cannot believe how people, myself included, want to believe in something being special. No wonder religion and mining stocks are popular. :wow:
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Re: Joke Central

Postby CFP! » Sat Mar 09, 2013 10:06 pm

Haven't been laid in a month by my lovely wife of two kids.

Haven't cooked a meal in as long/maybe a bit longer?

Fucking joke.
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