Joke Central

The primary goal of this site is to provide mature, meaningful discussion about the Vancouver Canucks. However, we all need a break some time so this forum is basically for anything off-topic, off the wall, or to just get something off your chest! This forum is named after poster Creeper, who passed away in July of 2011 and was a long time member of the Canucks message board community.

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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Wed Oct 24, 2012 3:04 pm

As a Christian I am looking forward to everlasting life ;

I just wish I didn't have to die first.
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Listercat » Wed Oct 24, 2012 9:16 pm

I caught some "Christians" digging potatoes out of my garden this summer. I guess "thou shalt not steal" only applies to their gardens!!
"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt "
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Re: Joke Central

Postby ukcanuck » Wed Oct 24, 2012 10:45 pm

Listercat wrote:I caught some "Christians" digging potatoes out of my garden this summer. I guess "thou shalt not steal" only applies to their gardens!!

How did you know they were Christian did they try to convert you ? Lol
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Listercat » Wed Oct 24, 2012 11:08 pm

They are involved with my neighbours and their bible studies. Whole works of them are a bunch of hypocrites.
"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt "
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Re: Joke Central

Postby donlever » Thu Oct 25, 2012 1:44 pm

...reminds me, for some reason, of an old Garrett Morris skit on the original S n L.

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o2qasexk_Bs
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Listercat » Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:06 pm

Ya Donnie I can see where that comes from. If they had not had their kid with them They would have heard some very blasphemous language. Fortunatley my firearms were locked up some distance away at the time. The part that really pissed me off was that the good C neighbours thought it was funny. Assholes!!! :evil:
"It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to open one's mouth and remove all doubt "
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Arachnid » Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:40 pm

Listercat wrote:Ya Donnie I can see where that comes from. If they had not had their kid with them They would have heard some very blasphemous language. Fortunatley my firearms were locked up some distance away at the time. The part that really pissed me off was that the good C neighbours thought it was funny. Assholes!!! :evil:


Kill all the Christians! (they are going to heavyen anyways 8-)
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Re: Joke Central

Postby donlever » Thu Oct 25, 2012 2:43 pm

Arachnid wrote: (they are going to heavyen anyways 8-)


..the fat ones at least.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Fri Nov 16, 2012 11:21 am

What did the war veteran in Texas say?

'Don't train on my parade.'
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby rats19 » Mon Nov 26, 2012 9:47 am

The Mistress

A husband and wife were having dinner at a very fine
restaurant when this absolutely stunning young womancomes over to their table, gives the husband a big open-
mouthed kiss, says she'll see him later and walks away..
His wife glares at him and says, "Who the hell was that?"
"Oh," replies the husband, "she's my mistress." "Well,
that's the last straw," says the wife. "I've had enough,
I want a divorce."

"I can understand that," replies her husband, "but remember,
if we get a divorce it will mean no more shopping trips
to Paris, no more wintering in Barbados, no more summers
in Tuscany, no more Infinities and Lexuses in the garage
and no more yacht club. But the decision is yours."

Just then, a mutual friend enters the restaurant with
a gorgeous babe on his arm.

"Who's that woman with Jim? " asks the wife. "That's
his mistress," says her husband.

"Ours is prettier," she replies.
You are who you hang with.....
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Fred » Mon Nov 26, 2012 3:37 pm

A drunken Farmer staggers up stair to his wife with his favourite sheep tucked under his arm.

He says this is the pig I've had to f**k all this time

His wife says you f**king idiots thats a sheep not a pig

Farmer says shut up I was talking to the sheep
cheers
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Mon Nov 26, 2012 4:53 pm

This asshole looked at my beer belly last night and sarcastically said, "Is that Corona or Bud?"

I said, "There's a tap underneath; taste it and find out."

***********

I was talking to a girl in the bar last night.

She said, "If you lost a few pounds, had a shave and got your hair cut, you'd look all right."

I said, "If I did that, I'd be talking to your friends over there instead of you."
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Arachnid » Mon Nov 26, 2012 8:04 pm

First Christmas Joke

Three men died on Christmas Eve and were met by Saint Peter at the pearly gates.

'In honor of this holy season' Saint Peter said, 'You must each possess something that symbolizes Christmas to get into heaven.'

The Englishman fumbled through his pockets and pulled out a lighter. He flicked it on. 'It's a candle', he said.

'You may pass through the pearly gates' Saint Peter said.

The Scotsman reached into his pocket and pulled out a set of keys. He shook them and said, 'They're bells.'

Saint Peter said 'You may pass through the pearly gates'.

The Irishman started searching desperately through his pockets and finally pulled out a pair of women's panties.

St. Peter looked at the man with a raised eyebrow and asked, 'And just what do those symbolize?'

The paddy replied, 'These are Carols.'
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Re: Joke Central

Postby rats19 » Wed Nov 28, 2012 11:25 am

DISNEYLAND
Two blondes were going to Disneyland .
They were driving on the Interstate when they saw the sign
that said Disneyland LEFT.
They started crying and turned around and went home.
FLORIDA OR MOON
Two blondes living in Oklahoma
were sitting on a bench talking,
and one blonde says to the other,
Which do you think is farther away...
Florida or the moon?'
The other blonde turns and says
'Helloooooooooo, can you see Florida ?????'
CAR
TROUBLE
A blonde pushes her BMW into a gas station.
She tells the Mechanic it died.
After he works on it for a few minutes,
it is idling smoothly.
She says, 'What's the story?'
He replies, 'Just crap in the carburetor'
She asks, 'How often do I have to do that?'
SPEEDING TICKET
A police officer stops a blonde for speeding
and asks her very nicely if he could see her license.
She replied in a huff,
'I wish you guys would get your act together.
Just yesterday you take away my license
and then today you expect me to show it to you!'
RIVER WALK
There's this blonde out for a walk.
She comes to a river and sees
another blonde on the opposite bank
Yoo-hoo!' she shouts, 'How can I get to the other side?'
The second blonde looks up the river
then down the river and shouts back,
'You ARE on the other side.'
AT THE DOCTOR'S OFFICE
A gorgeous young redhead goes into the doctor's office
and said that her body hurt wherever she touched it.
'Impossible!' says the doctor.. 'Show me.'
The redhead took her finger, pushed on her left shoulder
and screamed, then she pushed her elbow
and screamed even more.
She pushed her knee and screamed;
likewise she pushed her ankle and screamed.
Everywhere she touched made her scream.
The doctor said, 'You're not really a redhead, are you?
'Well, no' she said, 'I'm actually a blonde.'
'I thought so,' the doctor said, 'Your finger is broken.'
KNITTING
A highway patrolman pulled alongside
a speeding car on the freeway.
Glancing at the car, he was astounded
to see that the blonde behind the wheel was knitting!
Realizing that she was oblivious to his flashing lights
and siren, the trooper cranked down his window,
turned on his bullhorn and yelled, 'PULL OVER!'
'NO!' the blonde yelled back, 'IT'S A SCARF!'
BLONDE ON THE SUN
A Russian, an American, and a Blonde were talking one day.
The Russian said, 'We were the first in space!'
The American said, 'We were the first on the moon!'
The Blonde said, 'So what?
We're going to be the first on the sun!'
The Russian and the American looked at each other and shook their heads.
'You can't land on the sun, you idiot!
You'll burn up!' said the Russian.
To which the Blonde replied,
'We're not stupid, you know. We're going at night!'
IN A VACUUM
A blonde was playing Trivial Pursuit one night...
It was her turn. She rolled the dice
and she landed on Science & Nature. Her question was,
'If you are in a vacuum and someone calls your name,
can you hear it?' She thought for a time
and then asked, 'Is it on or off?'
FINALLY,
THE BLONDE JOKE TO END ALL BLONDE JOKES!
A girl was visiting her blonde friend,
who had acquired two new dogs,
and asked her what their names were.
The blonde responded by saying that one was named Rolex
and one was named Timex. Her friend said,
'Whoever heard of someone naming dogs like that?'
'HELLLOOOOOOO......,'
answered the blonde. 'They're watch dogs
________________________________________
You are who you hang with.....
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Re: Joke Central

Postby Topper » Mon Jan 21, 2013 3:02 pm

I was in Ft. Myers , Florida the other day and I saw a bumper sticker on a parked car that read,

"I miss Regina ."

So, I broke the window, stole the radio, shot out two of the tires and left a note that read,

"I hope this helps!"
Over the Internet, you can pretend to be anyone or anything.

I'm amazed that so many people choose to be complete twats.
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