I took my kid's entire soccer team to the Incredibles
on Saturday as a reward for a big win (Yep, your truly is the coach - and I'm encouraging these tykes on to ever greater athletic performance by good old-fashioned bribery. I admit it, I'm just as shallow as Glen Sather . . .) and it was a typically great Pixar flick - everybody liked it.
However, when the Star Wars teaser came on the little guys were all shouting "Whoa!", "Neeto!", "Totally Cool!", "Rockin!", "Amazing!" and "Cloutier Sucks!" (Um . . . okay, so that last outburst would have been from my son - it's a genetic thing . . .). They were particularly taken by Anakin's freaky yellow Rosemary's Baby
eyes, Yoda wielding his lightsabre, that frightening Emperor dude with the horrible English teeth wielding his (!!!) lightsabre and the whole "Rise Lord Vader" sequence as the big, black, badass suit makes its appearance. So the teaser clearly passes the all important pre-adolescent little boy test, which - let's face it - is what the Force has always been about. (I was 11 years old in 1977 when Star Wars first came out, and I think I saw it about 15 times. I was
the target market. By contrast, although I dutifully took my son to see Episode One and bought him the DVD - I actually run from the bigscreen TV when he puts the damned thing on, because Jar Jar Binks and that young Anakin kid are soooooo goddamned irritating to me at my age now that I'm worried I might actually harm my TV set by throwing something at it.)
The one thing I took from the teaser, however, is how much better an actor Sir Alec Guiness was than anybody else who's been in the series since 1977 . . .
The other thing I took from the teaser, is it reminded me just how disappointing the whole saga became when I found out to my chagrin in The Empire Strikes Back
that Darth Vader wasn't a negro. 'Cause with the whole black suit and James Earl Jones voice going on, I had always just assumed that Darth Vader was black - like some totally hyper-bad Superfly from outer space. He was not only a villain who could crush your larynx from across a room - damnit the cat had soul! I mean, to hell with John Williams. Isaac Hayes should have written the goddamned Darth Vader theme song!
I think it would be a better ending for Episode Three to turn the whole thing over to Quentin Tarantino and then let Samuel L. Jackson turn to the dark side, put on the big black suit and go medieval on some poor honky Jedi asses to a James Brown tune.
Watch me ... watch me!
I got it!
Watch me ... I got it
I got somethin' that makes me wanna shout
I got somethin' that tells me what it's all about
Huh, I got soul and I'm SUPER BAD!!!!
Oh yeah . .